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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 122
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David A Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2004
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Hi everyone,
Most of you know I have been here since last November. I am currently awaiting the 6 month filing date for my divorce. On the anniversary of our first date if we haven't reached a divorce agreement eithier one of us can file for a hearing to move things along. My stbxw finally admitted to my face that she wanted the divorce, only to, 8 hours later tell me she needed more time to think about the terms of the agreement and wanted to wait until July. I was writing the agreement when she called to inform me of this.

I had finally heard the words and was moving on with the divorce only to be sucked back into the abyss once again. I have never given up hope of getting back together but had accepted I was going to be divorced. I know the way to heal is to let go and move on but there is something in me that screams there is something left between us that leaves me with the gut feeling that there is hope for us. That there is more between us than the children and the 24 years we have spent together. Even after all she has done and not done I feel this way. Even after all I have done and not done I feel this way.

On Sunday we were to talk at my request about our divorce agreement. She had spent the weekend at the Cape after having the kids go to friends housess for almost 2 days.

As we started I asked her if she was sure that this is what she wanted. She replied she had said the words, but at sometime in the future would she look back and regret the decesion. I had a notebook with me and she said she wanted to see what I was proposing. The notebook was empty. By then I was on the verge of tears and told her I couldn't bring myself to do it yet. Since she was having doubts would she see the MC with me to explore her doubts and get a better insight on her decision. She said she would think about it.

Her priest was in my store shopping yesterday and his advice was "keep praying and keep trying, don't give up".

So where does it all come from ? Why do we have such a base level instinct to hang on to someone who doesn't want us ? Why do we endure the emotional turmoil and pain and then want another chance knowing full well we might have to endure the same thing all over again ?

I have never gone against a gut feeling I have had my entire life. My guts and my God say to hang in there and endure what I must. Does this make me a strong committed person or a lunatic.

Here is a poem I wrote this morning. Should I give it to her ?

 Choices

The end of the road is oh so near
And so may end my life with you my dear

Second thoughts, yes you’ve had a few
To make what you have work, or leave and start a new

My mind is solid, my heart is yours
From an eternal well my love still pours

Your path in life is now yours to choose
Upon your decision is wether WE win or loose

The forgiveness we gave each other was truly a gift
But to love again we must forgive ourselves to give our souls a lift

I sit and wait in silence and anticipation
Hoping and praying for your participation

In rediscovering a new love, one that will last
Forgiving and forgetting and leaving the bad in the past

You asked me if again I could endure the pain
The answer is YES, For the risk is worth the gain

And now I must leave you to ponder your fate
As I have mine, and for me it’s never to late

The road will be hard and long at best
But I fear I must travel it before my soul can rest.

David A

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 384
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Joined: Apr 2003
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David, I don't know your situation or your history with your wife, but I think we all have this deep down conviction to hold on, that maybe, just maybe things will work out and you will be together. Divorce is not normal. It is hard decision to make. If you feel that strongly about holding on then maybe that is exactly what you need to do. Do what it takes. But also know that by holding on, continuing on, pursuing, sending letters of love, poems, you are opening yourself up for pain, pain like never before. But this may be the only way you come to know what you need to do.

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 13
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Joined: May 2004
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Dave--

I have struggled for many weeks now with the feeling that I know my soon to be x doesn't want a divorce. I have tried everything. Even calling the man she slept with to see if he could talk some sense into her. I feel that she is only getting a divore because she is afraid of the quilt and pain that the A has caused.

I have always let my heart tell me what to do. God gave me my heart and He holds it. So I feel that if my heart says something that is what I am supposed to do. Is that right, I don't know.

By continuing to try to work on things, I have opened myself up to a lot of pain. But I knew that going in. It really hurts. So be aware.

You cannot control the actions of any other person. Once you realize that, you are on the road to recovery. I have gone back and forth with "good cop/bad cop". Sometimes I get more honest feedback with bad cop, but that is not me.

So, my advice is to do what is in your heart. What would be the worst thing that could happen if you express to someone how you feel.

p.s. I hope you don't mind that I stole your poem. Thanks--

Joined: May 2004
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I'm sure there is a lot more to it than this but I think this is a basic. We didn't get married to get divorced. Divorce is seen as failing or losing and we hate to do either.

Joined: May 2000
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Remember that the past is gone and the future is not yet here. You only have to hang on through today. And maybe you have to view it as getting through the next few hours if 'today' is too much. Just do the next right thing. The next right thing. That's it. All that God asks. Do the next right thing and pray.

Joined: Jan 2004
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David A Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 122
I did not give her the poem. Most of the time I write them for me. I merely asked her if she was sure this is what she wanted. I didn't do well controling my emotions that day but it seems in a strange sort of way I think she needs to see that I am capable of showing it. Even though it comes from pain caused by our dysfunctional relationship. I am hanging on to the hope that we can come back together and heal our relationship and discover a new way to see each other. I am prepared to be divorced. Mind you I said prepared not happy about it. I spoke with her this evening as I was saying goodnight to my kids. I asked her what she was thinking. Her reply, "I haven't had time to think". Need I say more about what I am going through. I'm tired........... More later.
Good night and God Bless us all !


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