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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 122
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David A Offline OP
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Hi group,
Well I turned 50 today and figured it was time I grew up and called her bluff. I have been out of the house since February, back and forth for the kids, to give her space to contemplate her desire for trying to get back together to work on our marriage. I pretty much got the answer I figured I would get. Everything I say to her now she takes as if I am accusing her of something. We talk but we don't communicate. She thinks I am going to be a big mean ugly monster and do all kinds of sneaky underhanded stuff to hurt her and try to take the kids away from her.

She told me she would not go to marriage counseling. Had not seen her counselor in over a month, ( was waiting for her to call to set up an appointment for her ) Ya right.. As we sat at the dinner table ( she invited me for a birthday dinner ) her look became more and more sour as the dinner progressed. After the kids left the table I asked her what was wrong and after 5 or 6 nothings, she admitted she wasn't comfortable sitting at the table with me. This was before our talk.. Well I guess you don't have to hit me more than once with that 2 x 4.

I then informed her that in light of the current situation I would be moving back in. That went over real well ;-)

Time for me to take the cow by the udders and turn this situation on a new course. I'm going to do the driving now.

This will of course will all be done with love and respect as well as possible. I am not going to make this a dirty fight. After all she is still the mother of my children. Albeit a confused mother and person.

Why did I do this ? I asked my counselor about her possibilities of turning things around given her current frame of mind and history. Simply put she was not "getting with the program" and without working through her own problems she would never have a healthy relationship with me and any other relationship she may have in the future was doomed to suffer the same fate.

This started in November, the bomb anyway, actually started in her childhood, but I am being made the scapegoat and can't escape my fate with her with me. So I must cut the strings and move on. "Twangggggg !" anybody remember my wrecking ball story ? That was the last strand breaking. With any luck I'll dodge the ball.........

I move back in Saturday. Hopefully without police presence. This is going to be a tough situation for us both. With any luck she will either get serious and go back to counseling or move out and see what life is like outside the comfy home I have provided.

Off to the lawyers to draft a divorce agreement in the next day or 2. NO sense in waiting any longer.

Good Night and God Bless

David A

Not the news I wanted but at least I know and can move forward. Please don't think I haven't considered the children in all this. They are the biggest reason I am moving back in. They have become embroiled in many typical teenage problems in my opinion to a very fast and hard degree. I have to step in and be the tough love daddy and and bring a renewed sense of morality to my house.

Joined: Nov 2003
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Hi David,

Belated Happy Birthday to you! Being 50 is an imortant age I think.So much to reflect on and so much to do.Unfortunately you have to deal with the adultery right now but hopefully not much longer.

I am sure your WW doesn't like the idea of you moving back in but hey,who cares right? It's your home too and she obviously didn't come to any positive conclusions with you being gone.She's most likely just as lost in the fog as the day you left.

My WH isn't getting with the program either,to say the least but I really don't care much anymore.I am tired of being the only one carrying this marriage for the past 8/9 months.I have done so much reading,posting(here),counseling,self exploration,etc I can do.And you know what? I found out that there really isn't anything wrong with me! Not to toot my own horn but my WH's adultery really is about his inner demons.Let him figure it out I say or better yet,let the homewrecker receive all of his problems,she deserves it.

Take care of yourself and those kids.

O

Joined: Jan 2004
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David A Offline OP
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Hi October Girl,
Thanks for your reply. I really do need to talk this all out as it is killing me inside that it has come to this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she obviously didn't come to any positive conclusions with you being gone.She's most likely just as lost in the fog as the day you left.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can say that again. I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. Her obsession with "her freedom" is the most obvious of all. I stick by my original assessment of her. MID LIFE CRISIS, complicated by menapausal symptons and deep seated psychological problems of not getting enough love and attention from her father when she was small.

If my children were not in the house any more I would stick it out and ride the storm as I really still do care for her. But they are having a tough time and not getting the attention and guidance they need.

Seeing someone you have loved for 24 years look at you with with a queazy sick feeling because they are so uncomfortable around you ( even though it's from their own guilt ) really hurts to the core.

But life goes on, doesn't it. Maybe I will meet a nice woman someday who has her head screwed on straight and will appreciate me for who I am and what I have learned. I wasn't perfect by any means and never will be. But I've come a long way baby ! Someday I will have the chance to put it all to the test and have a healthy, meaningful relationship with somone who can share without reserve or judgement. I thought I had it all, but God set me straight on that one....

Hey, aren't you in the central Massachusetts area ? Do you know of any divorce support groups in the area ? Take care and thanks for taking the time to respond,

David A

Joined: Feb 2004
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No doubt it is a tough situation.

Personally, I have a hard time understanding what these cheating spouses are thinking, how they think 2+2 can add up to anything but 4.

The reality is that you can only do the best you can and if the spouse does not want to help the marriage, then the marriage cannot be saved. My didn't want to do anything to try and save our marriage. That hurt me more than her affair or her lies.

I think you should move back in. You seem to have been more than reasonably accomodating.

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David A Offline OP
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Hi all,
This is my last message from my Dad's home. I am all packed up except for the computer. I should be home by 10 AM. I left a note thanking him for taking care of me yet again and still having a place I can call home even at 50 years old. I am very fortunate and blessed to have that in my life. It made me realize how important it was to me to go home and provide that same love and stability for my children. I will do whatever it takes to hold onto my childrens home and be there in it for them when they need me. I am an emotional wreck with all this and will try not to let the children see it. The stbxw continues with the anger and the guilt and is becoming bitter and nasty. I am still in a semi Plan A as I don't see how acting any other way would be beneficial to anyone. Whoever said that my patience would be tried with a spouse in mlc was way understating the facts.

I must continue my journey homeward now. Peace and Love.

David A

Joined: Oct 2001
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I do hope healing takes place, but I must add this as a word of caution. Those contemplating divorce will make finacial moves that have impact on the settlement...you need to be loving but firm in that she's the one having the affiar, you shouldn't be the one leaving the marital home.

Be prepared. My x got violent after he moved back home after we separated for two months. Be kind, yet firm and if shedoesn't want you in the house then say "sure honey. I understand. You want to be with somebody else and that's fine. I will help you move out if you want to so you can be with him if you like...but this is the home our children are accustomed to and since I am not the one who is doing this, I think it's best you leave now." That is something to keep in mind as you're probably gonna see some really bizarre behavior in the coming days. Don't push her buttons and don't try too much of anything. You are in a good position however, to try divorcebusting 180 techniques and that might have a little impact but I wouldn't expect that much imho. Still far too foggy.

Joined: Jan 2004
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David A Offline OP
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Hi Peachy,
Things are a bit tense at time but I am being very low key and trying to be civil. So far we are at the point of almost agree to disagree. I don't expect anything as far as her coming back or trying. It's gone way beyond that now. Not that I wouldn't try should the offer be made but I am more worried about myself and the kids. They are having a tough time understanding boundries and when enough is enough. Not that this is all their fault but I have to get them to see that it's time o put the brakes on and get back to basic living and treating people with respect. Especially their mother and father.
As I am typing this the stbxw is packing up her stuff from the bedroom and moving it to our outbuilding. Oh well, I offered to change the office in the basement back to a bedroom but she doesn't want to stay in the same house with me. I just stay out of her way and let her do whatever makes her happy.
Live long and Prosper !

David A


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