You and I have talked before, and I wanted to talk to you again.

I went on the vacation with the guy I had been dating for a while now.

We had a great time, and my daughters enjoyed the trip very much.

It worked out very well as we had a suite so the girls and I had our own room, and he had the other.

The feelings that I had mentioned a while back are still present.
I have not felt ready to be in a relationship, and it has not gone away.
This evening I told him it was time for me to take the time that I needed to heel, or whatever it is that I feel that I need.

I feel terrible, mainly for him.
He is very in Love with me, and I know this. He has treated me so well.
I don't feel like its fair to keep seeing him when I have this thing going on inside me.

Basically, I met this guy way too soon after my divorce was in process.
I knew I should not get in to a relationship. I read it, and was told by my counselor. But, when someone that treats you so good accidentally comes in to your life, how do you ignore it??
Flash forward, now I see.
I see that I needed the time to be alone, to get over what has happened.

For some dumb, very dumb reason, I still dream of my X. He has hurt me beyond hurt and I still dream that he will apologize, or wants to be a family again. What is this all about?
I don't want him back, so why do I dream like this. Maybe because I spent 18 years of my life with him.

Anyway, it was with pain that I told this man tonight that I had to take the time.
I don't know what I'm looking for, but I have to find it.

I do not have another man waiting in the wings, I for some reason feel the need to be alone.

I feel like I did the right thing because staying with him with the feelings I have feels wrong.
I think the part that I feel awful about is that I have hurt him.
It does not feel very good to hurt someone that I care about.

Thanks for reading.
K.

Karona:

I am not Still Reeling, or any of the other folks around here you may "know." I do not believe I have ever responded to you before. Please accept my responses as one who "heard" your pain and wishes to help you out.

My personal opinion is that you simply moved "too fast." Please don't "beat yourself up" for hurting this man..........simply back yourself up and start over!

IOW, maybe you can still talk to him, and continue allowing the friendship to grow, only at a slower pace.

I understand about needing to be alone. I understand that this R probably started way too soon. But I sort of get the feeling that it could be a positive thing in the future, after you've have time to heal yourself.

I think it would be OK to maintain a friendship w/this man, and keep it a little more distant than it's been for awhile, whilst you allow your heart to "let go" totally of your H, and ready it for a new R.

Again, this is MHO only. Subject to other interpretations!

Good luck to you in your search for happiness. You are off to a good start, allowing yourself space and time to heal from past experiences in order to start fresh in a new R.

God Bless,

Thank you Lupolady,

No, I don't believe we have ever met on here before.
But, I do appreciate your response.

I was feeling the need to share what has happened, and the people here can be so helpful.

You are so right, I did get into a relationship way before I should have.
I plan on doing just what you have said, backing up, and starting over.

I don't know why, but I still carry a shame of this whole divorce thing. I have been alone now for over a year, and I still don't feel ready to be seen with another man.
Why I carry the shame of what my X has done, I don't know. This is part of my skeleton that I feel I have to get rid of.

The reason I feel I have to cut all contact with this guy is that he needs me too much.
It wouldn't work to be more distant with him.
I feel for him.
He has no real life outside of the relationship we have been in.
He has no family near here.
No children.
He is not in to the night life with his guy friends.

He has adopted myself and my girls into his life.
While he has been so good to us, I'm not ready for the steady role he is becoming to be.

I do appreciate what you have said. I knew I could count on people here to have helpful advice.

Thank you for reading and responding.

K.

Hi Karona-

Welcome back! I've been thinking of you a lot and wondering how the vacation was going.

I agree with Lupolady. You simply moved too fast and found out in the long run you weren't ready. You didn't do it to be hurtful, you were at a very vulnerable stage of your life and in walked this wonderful man who was more than willing to share his life with you and you let him. Now however you are realizing that you aren't ready and I think you have handled yourself very well.

Yes, he is hurting, but you would have hurt him more keeping him hanging on. Don't beat yourself up. You made a mistake, but you were well intended.

I myself consider myself very lucky. My XH left me when I was three months pregnant. He then announced that he was done trying and pursuing his OW publicly when our daughter was only six days old. The benefit for me was the alone time being pregnant and having a newborn afforded me. I was very vulnerable at this time and so wanting someone to validate me again, yet being pregnant, with my fourth child none the less isn't exactly a great date attracter. The my time was consumed with my newborn, the death of my father, and my divorce. Although I was terribly lonely I had no time for anything or anyone else. It was horrible, but as I look back I see it was God's way of buying me valuable alone time that I might otherwise have skipped.

In the process, I really got to know me and realized that I liked myself and my life. I hadn't felt that in years. It was only after I realized how good things were for me that a wonderful man walked in and I was ready to have a relationship with him. Ironically this same man had tried to have a friend set us up on a date months earlier while I was in the thick of everything and for a variety of reasons it never worked out. I thank God regularly for letting it play out as it did.

Take the time for yourself. We've talked about this before. You have been through so much in the past couple of years and have survived with flying colors. Take the time to embrace this and get to know yourself again. It is only then that you will be ready to be with someone.

Also, stop beating yourself up about hurting him. He is a good man and you have always been honest and upfront with him. He will get over this too.

I am sorry that you are hurting, but this too will get better.

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi StillReeling--

I knew you would be there with such encouraging words.

When I was reading your response, and read the part about how you were lucky, being left pregnant, I thought, did I read this wrong??
But, then saw your point.

I totally agree with you. That I need to be happy with myself, and my life.
I had been married for 18 years. Before that, I had always had a steady boyfriend. Granted, I was young, but none the less, have not been just with myself forever.

I know I will be okay. I have my daughters, and they fill my life up quite nicely.

I want to be married again someday, but I want that when the time is right.
What I want is that total love. The kind that happens over and over again.
I don't think I can do that until I heal.

I appreciate your honesty, and you quick response.

Are you enjoying your summer now that school is out?
How about you, any summer vacations?

Thank you for writing me! Hope to talk to you again soon.

K.

Hi again-

It is ironic that I now see my XH's leaving as a blessing. As you can imagine, being left pregnant, with a dying parent was the worst thing I have ever endured. As I go through my present troubles with my XH I remind myself to remember where I was three years ago and how far I have come. I really have no idea how I survived that period of my life, but I guess only God knows. It reminds me that I can survive anything. As can you.


Being alone takes time. Society raises us to think we need others to be complete, but until we realize that we are complete all by ourselves we really aren't good for anybody. You know that whole you can't love somebody until you love yourself? It is so true.

I see this as a minor hurdle in your life which you have already started clearing. Enjoy this part of the journey. It will be easy compared to what you have alreay accomplished and survived.

I'm glad your vacation went well and that your daughters had fun. We too have been enjoying thr free time. We don't have any major vacations planned, but we have a lot of 3 to 4 day trips planned and I am excited. We will be hitting the beach frequently, gofling, going to some ball games, and amusement parks- yeah! With the whole custody issue I was afraid that summer would be ruined, but now even if my XH continues to fight it won't be settled until September so summer is free to enjoy.

I just had an awesome weekend with my BF. It was hard to have it end. Although I am thankful for all that I have this weekend once again leaves we longing for more. Like you, I also have dreams of being married again. My BF and I seem to be such a perfect fit, I am hoping things will work out. Our only issue is the distance between us, but it is a pretty major issue as neither of us are able to move.

I just realized I never touched upon the subject of dreaming that your XH. I am assuming that you are talking about sleep dreaming and therefore you have no control over it and since the effects of his leaving play such a major role in your life even today combined with the fact that subconsciously we all hope for an admission of error, it seems normal that you would dream about him. I think most of us dream (not sleeping) of the day our WS's will come forward and admit their mistakes, apologize, etc. They have done the unthinkable to us and I think we all dream of them realizing their error and apologizing for it. I want no part of my XH, but I still think that after all the horrible things he said and did that there is a part of me that would love to hear him say he screwed up and wants to make up for it. Although the other part of me thinks yikes, what if he did that? To have him apologizing and pursuing fixing things would be even worse! I think it is normal and it will lessen as time goes by. At least it has for me.

It's nice having you back. I always like talking with you.

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi Still--

Oh my yes, I was talking about sleep dreaming for sure. Your right, I can't control those dreams that I have. The dreams did make me come to the conclusion though that I had a ways to be beyond my X, and our marriage.
As you said, I very much would love to have my X say he was sorry, and what a mistake he has made.
I don't feel I want him to beg to come back, but just to hear the words he messed up would be very nice to hear.

You are right, that this current situation is easy compared to where I have been.

My daughters illness, and the affair at the same time took me to the edge for sure.
If there was ever a time in my life that I could have lost my mind, that would have been the time.

I'm glad that you and your BF have enjoyed each other so much. It's so wonderful that you have been blessed to find someone that is such a great fit.

You mentioned golf. I would like to try that someday. I have never done it, not sure I would have the patience for it.
Glad your summer is turning out better than originally thought.
I can't believe after all this time your X is still fighting things.
Money is an ugly thing sometimes.

It is written in our decree that my X pay for any additional medical bills. My D goes to the Dr. quite frequently. He let me know the other day that there is a $900 bill outstanding. Not sure what the insurance will cover.
I'm sure he is trying to make me feel guilty, and wants me to help pay.
Part of me does, then I think am I crazy?? He wanted this other life, enjoy sweetheart!
They just want it all I'm convinced.
They didn't want us, threw us out, but yet they still want all the money they used to have.
I'm just ranting now, but, that seems to be my X's case anyway.

Thank you again for writing to me, its very helpful to me.
K.

Karona...

Again glad the vacation went well. Sounds like you had fun.

And you do need downtime. Time to find who you are again and that takes you to be alone. I was separated a year and a half before it was final. Thus I had that alone time and thinking time. Started dating about a month after divorce was final. Since then have done alot of dumping and finally met a great guy...who was under my nose all the while.

When you're ready inside, that man who's around now might indeed become and morph into Mr. Right for you. But you need some self time and time to explore you and who you are now.

Like you, I had always been with somebody. I am thankful for the time alone because I needed to redefine who I had become. I was now a mother and single. Wow. It's hard to imagine. And you doing all that with a newborn and a dying parent. I can relate as I lost my dad five years ago and ten mos. later was when Jethro first had affair. I had baby and father died and then he went off and did that. I feel your pain friend.

And it's normal to have wierd x dreams. I have a few times. It's our psyche's way of trying to straighten out what is really mind boggling. I'd imagine they have the same dreams of what was left behind if you ask me.

You did the right thing but don't completely close the door. I am saying this as I got to be first friends (with no idea of dating this guy whatsoever...I mean that..I tried in fact to fix him up with one of my girlfriends truth be known <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) Glad that didn't happen as time fixed everything. I got to know him, got to know me and maybe one day he figured it out...he asked me out and it took two months for me to say yes.

But this isn't written in stone either and anything could happen. Protect your heart and heal. It's hard to not think of who we were and what could have been, but it's nothing we can control and we have to move ahead.

I'll say a prayer tonight for you to have clarity. Bless you buddy. I think breakups after the D is harder than breaking up with a bf or gf before marriage...We soooo want the prince charming or princess to come our way. We want the castle and the happily ever after. But happily ever after again is harder than we think it is. But I know we will get there in good time.

Hi Peachy,
I'm so glad you dropped in!

Thank you for what you have added.
I have had a friend tell me that being a friend first with someone isn't such a bad thing.
That is how and her H started.

I feel at this point in my life, and with this man, that cannot be possible.
He wants more, and he is lonely and I feel he needs me more than I need him right now.
He hasn't mentioned marriage, but, he wants to be with me/us all the time.
I understand his position. He is alone. I can't imagine if I didn't have my girls how lonely life would be.
But, that brings a whole new point.
He is several years younger than I.
IF we did ever end up together, I would take the opportunity away from him to have children of his own. That is not the reason for the split, but it has bothered me from time to time.

I know in my heart, I have done what is fair to both him and myself.
Even though I have been honest with him, I still felt that I was leading him down a dead end road by continuing seeing him.

Glad to know that you too have had the dreams. And boy have I wondered if X ever did the same. Some of mine are plain crazy. In one, he was making fun of me with OW right there, and other friends of his. Which was not his personality. But in the dream, he was making jokes about me in front of me, and laughing. Very Painful!
I think I'm just waiting for the BIG words, that in reality will never come, that he admits, he screwed up.

Yes, I am looking for that happily ever after. I want that prince you mentioned. But, I know that I have to be a princess too. And to be that, I have to find and fix me first.
I do think of what I had alot, and what my girls had. I miss having my family together.
I would have stayed married to him. And that meant knowing that he wouldn't be faithful. I was willing to accept that, to be a family.
Now, NO WAY!
I deserve a man that is loyal to me! And I do know that.
I would have not been happy in that kind of marriage.

Thanks to you Peachy, Still, and Lupo--you all are so kind, and I appreciate your thoughts. It has helped me very much.

K

Karona-

Happily ever after is a wonderful fairy tale isn't it? As you know my XH got married on Saturday. My BF was worried I would be upset and wanted to be with me to support me even though I told him I really didn't care. My friends gave me space feeling I would let them know if I needed anything.

As it turned out I was fine. I guess the realization that I never want him back combined with the fact that I see their marriage as nothing more than a formality have really helped. Anyway, as you know I had an awesome weekend. In a way I think my boyfriend had to see how over my XH I really am. Last night a friend called to see how the weekend went and she asked if the kids had talked about the wedding at all. I told her that I had an awesome weekend and the kids had said very little except that it was short. Since their dad and the OW have lived together for more than a year I don't think they see it as much of a change either except that she is now legally their stepmother.

She said I sounded good and wasn't surprised having seen me through all the ups and downs with my XH and seeing first hand when I had enough and had reached the point of no return. I told her the only thing that really bothers me about the wedding is that it makes me focus on the fact that he is moving on while I can't in terms of a relationship/marriage. It just irks me that I have found someone that I just mesh with and have since the very beginning and we are doomed to a weekend relationship. It is so unfair! I was always the family centered one in my marriage, not him, yet he leaves me and is starting a new family when he never seemed to want one in the first place. No now I sit here spinning my wheels trying to think of ways to take our relationship to the next level under the circumstances. It just stinks! Maybe I should start a thread on the subject.

So yes, happily ever after, with the white picket fence is sounding very good to me. How do we obtain it.

You mentioned golf. A friend got me started and I must admit I stink, but it is a lot of fun and a good girl thing to do. You should try it, you honestly don't have to be good.

As for the money issues with your XH, I hear you loud and clear. I'm sure you have read my current post and I wouldn't even be in that mess if it weren't for my XH's need to pay as minimal child support as necessary. He is under the mindset that we are divorced so therefore we are both should be solely responsible for the kids' expenses while under our roofs. Whatever. He too likes to try to make me feel guilty, keep your walls up on this one, these kids are their responsibilities too.

Talk to you soon!
Take care and God bless!
K

Karona: I was reading your post and I feel the same way you do in regards to your husband as I do mine. My husband cheated on my 6 years ago and I stayed with him thinking that he would "make it up" to me, but that was basically the beginning of the end. From then forward, even though it wasn't other affairs, he totally disrepected me and our marriage in many, many other ways. I stayed through it all thinking that eventually he would see all the hurt he put me though and fix it. Never happened. So I too, even though we got divorced (actually final today) still in the back of my mind want this Grand Apology from him. I know he regrets what he's done because he has told me, but I still wonder why he's never come to me and really apologized. I too feel torn because even though I know there is way too much that has happened to stay together, part of me still wants to be with him. It is very frustrating. But I am learning that things happen for a reason and God has a plan for us. Although I don't completely understand it, I am willing to accept that and take if from there. I am trying to learn from my relationship and appreciate the positive (even though sometimes it's hard to see through all the rough times) and not end up being some old angry bitter woman. I guess we are just babies at this and I look forward to the time when I am in a better place and can look back and say that it was all worth it to get where I am. But is is hard to look that far ahead when we are still int he midst of it. As for the dating part, I am no where near dating and I am fine with that. I just worry that I will get to the point where I am ready and I won't have a date <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I really don't have any solid advice for you, excpet to let you know that you're not alone in your feelings. I have posted on other boards and it's almost like they attack you for expressing if you still have feelings for your ex, yikes. Sometimes you just want to vent and I think people here on this board are more understanding and open.

Hi DSD, and thanks for writing.
I'm sorry to hear about today's news for you. I hope though, that it will be a new beginning for you.
It's been 6 months since my D was final, and that seems like so long ago, already. I'm creeping up on what would have been our 19 Ann., but I think I'm okay with that. We were not together last year, and I would have thought that one would have been the harder.
Yeah, I don't know what it is with us. Why we want to hear these words from our X's so badly, but I know I do.
The closest my X has ever come is that he was sorry for causing us hurt. Never though, sorry about his actions, or any regrets. I don't know how he can't be sorry to leave two loving daughters, and a stable home. But, he left, not looking back. I'm sure that I could have done things better as a wife, but I wasn't worth throwing away either.
I also look forward to the day when I can see the plan that God had in store for me.
When I'm truly happy, and my daughters are happy.

You have come to a good place here. The people here are so helpful. Any so many have been, or are were we are at.
I think you will find that you like it here too!

Thanks for your understanding, and letting me know you understand.
K.