My WW asked me the strangest question. She wants to know how I feel spending time with her and our children. She wonders if I get the “distorted”; view that we are a family, when in her opinion, we are not. She wants my help at home while she starts her new medical practice, goes on family outings with me, watches our favorite shows with me, but thinks I’m distorting. She is the one who wants a D so she can “experience” her long distance lover more fully. Am I missing something?

Mediation starts next month and I've been just quiet and supportive. Her OM thinks I'm manipulating her so she's suspicious of everything I do.

I plan to drag this D out while working on self and reconciliation (also giving her a dose of reality) .Should I tell her my intentions to fight the D?

Why not try something more up beat? Like “Dear, I want to have a happy, loving marriage with YOU. I’m willing to go to great lengths to make us both happy together.”

Fighting the divorce and dragging it out sound antagonistic and oppositional. Not what you’re looking for right now.

The sitch so far: Mediation is in one month. W and I are on good speaking terms. OM is writing 2-5 a day and on phone 3+hrs and is beginning to pressure her. W hates phone communication and has expressed weariness with the long distance nature of R. Called former best friend last night and cried for hour stating that she is lonely and doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t like that said friend talks with me and is supportive. Also said that she thinks I’m brainwashing her and others. Our friend (bless her) told her the truth: I have never said anything negative about her, nor has she heard that I’ve done so with others.

W is Very suspicious of my daytime whereabouts and nightime phone/internet activities (I’m still on leave). Every day shares more about what she’s doing (she’s opening her medical practice on Monday 6-28-04, which happens to be our 13th wedding anniversary) Asked me to come by today and bring things she left at home.

Is there something else I should/could be doing while the bubble is beginning to burst? I intend to let her know very soon that I will not actively participate in the divorce (see thread:Should I Explain Why I'm Fighting D? ) It seems the pressure is getting to her. Is this a good time or bad for new action?

The sitch so far: Mediation is in one month. W and I are on good speaking terms. OM is writing 2-5 a day and on phone 3+hrs and is beginning to pressure her. W hates phone communication and has expressed weariness with the long distance nature of R. Called former best friend last night and cried for hour stating that she is lonely and doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t like that said friend talks with me and is supportive. Also said that she thinks I’m brainwashing her and others. Our friend (bless her) told her the truth: I have never said anything negative about her, nor has she heard that I’ve done so with others.

W is Very suspicious of my daytime whereabouts and nightime phone/internet activities (I’m still on leave). Every day shares more about what she’s doing (she’s opening her medical practice on Monday 6-28-04, which happens to be our 13th wedding anniversary) Asked me to come by today and bring things she left at home.

Is there something else I should/could be doing while the bubble is beginning to burst? I intend to let her know very soon that I will not actively participate in the divorce (see thread: Should I Explain Why I'm Fighting D? ) It seems the pressure is getting to her. Is this a good time or bad for new action?

<small>[ June 26, 2004, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Yep. GG is right. And the R will get confusing for her now. She's opening up a new medical practice my guess is where you are residing now and OM feels threatened that she's not catching the next plane to him and moving out there.

Let the pressure from OM heap up. I would be as NON THREATENING AND NON PRESSURING as I could be. Do not appear as a confrontation. Just say that you love her, appreciate her as well as a friend and want to help her start this new beginning (the practice) on a day that means so much to you. I'd offer my help to her to get things going like moving furniture, stuff, etc. Be the opposite of OM so that he is the one seeming to be forcing, pushy, etc. That will really help with fog clearing imho. And a little call to the government would help too...

Here's what is happening. Dynamics are changing. She is opening a new business and this wonderful supportive man she met, this fantasy guy, who was better than real life is asking her to do more. He's not there to help her with decisions. And a 3 hour phone call is NO substitute for being there by your side offering support. Thus, that's why you need to seize this opportunity. Do good plan A along with the 180 I believe is the best bet to get a WS to see the light until they're ready to clear the fog for good and work on the marriage. First you gotta get em' away from the OP.

Get on GQII and post to Orchid there. She's the master of this. She could really help you even more as she was SUCCESSFUL in this area and helped many of us succeed. Also expert in confusing the enemy (OP) and in tactical warfare.

In the meanwhile, be the OPPOSITE of the OM. Be upbeat, happy. Ask her out for coffee and surprise her by NOT talking about the divorce. Talk about her. Ask her if you can help her out with moving things. Appear anything but needy or wanting to talk about marriage. It will for sure throw her for a loop. You've got to learn that when you release them and show them a different side to you that it is the best way to let them begin to open up to you again.

What is sad was that this happened a tiny bit last fall with my xh. He was calling me and we were actually getting along. I didn't want anything back as I was finally happy, but he was wanting to re establish a friendship. And he acted wierd around me. Would even walk into sons' soccer game and stand beside me. Family Values was not invited and nowhere around. I knew something was up. He didn't know that Family Values the live in mistress had phoned me with their troubles earlier...or that I knew she was preggers. After a week or so of unheard of peace, I ask him this and it started the transition back into hellville...all I said was "You sure you're not under some kinda pressure...She's pregnant isn't she?". You must be careful not to down the OM either. If she says something bad about him, you must say that you're sorry she feels that way. But DON'T down him or she will run and defend him. In retrospect had I wanted my M back last fall, I could have done something about it but for a brief window period. This is your window period and I'd try. Not as much damage has been done as was with me and I hope you can do it.

She's under pressure. He's putting it on her. You be the one to lift the burden AS A FRIEND.

Thanks justpeachy!

I did get Orchid. She's giving me some excellent advice (as do all the posters here) This seems to be a game of inches and one could fail in one moment with one thoghtless act.

Love right now seems like such work, but divorce is a hell I don't want to experience. I know I would adapt and adjust, but I feel my boys deserve the best effort from their folks to give them a loving, intact family.

Steve Harley said something to me in counseling that makes sense:
The ideal for children is to have their birth parents together, happy and IN LOVE with each other. Everything else, no matter how good, is less than that ideal. My W and I are some of the fortunate who CAN give this to our children. I'll do all I can to make that happen-for us all.

Think about this:

I was hospitalized for having suicidal ideations 10 weeks ago, the day after OM called me at work (first and only contact) While I was in (10 days), our entire family and close friends (we've known each other since HS, do the math) found out about W's TWO A's. She tried to spin and was confronted she broke down left town to be with OM and was further exposed.

Result: her best friend from HS (an attorney)decided to support me and and offered to have her H (a divorce attorney) take my case-pro bono. I accepted and thus ended a 24 year friendship. My friend/lawyer is pro-marriage and pro us. He wants to expose and destabilize the OM. We know that he is not entirely forthcoming about his OW's, etc. L is also prepared to file a civil suit for mental anguish, as well as contact OM's internal affairs unit about his abuses of federal priveleges. We've done our homework and know that OM will protect his Federal job and personal interests at all costs.

I am instructed to do/say nothing and let L play bad guy. We can do this all day as it costs us nothing, but drains my W's 'war chest' while she's cash strapped with her new business. Steve Harley agrees to this tactic.

You know what's funny?

OM lost his family to an A. 13 years, two boys same setup. Eerie paralells. When he spoke to me, he asked me not to be as "destructive and counterproductive" as his W's OM's W. She told her H job and he lost it, as well as their house, car etc. He is now living with his lover and unemployed. Why do you think he told me that little story?

Listen, his department (Homeland Security) has explicit rules regarding extramarital liasons (security risk, character issues, etc.) If we drop a dime to the Inspector General's office that he's been making explicit e-mails, phone calls and "side trips" on the taxpayers' dollar, he's done. Like never get a Federal job again, anywhere done. He may indeed have to move here and live with my W. My moral connundrum: This dude may be jamming my M, but his $87,0000/year job also supports two young boys and an ex. I think about the kids, even when he, my w and his ex didn't.

I just want him to go away so my W and I can deal with what created this void in the first place. Do I have the right to push that hard? My W would explode, then implode if we do this. I wonder if it would burst the bubble or just kill the M?

I'm meeting with my L next week to give him my thumbs up/down about rattling OM cage.

Anyone here done this? Results? Opinions? Devil's advocates, you're on!

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

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