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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,707
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LetSTry Offline OP
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I rarely post anymore but occasionally lurk, mostly thanks to 2 years of no contact, but right now I'm in a lot of pain and need support.

Two weeks ago, on June 13, my 23-year old stepson, who I raised with my STBXH since he was less than a year old, shot himself to death. He has had a lot of problems but was turning his life around, going to school, doing well, and focused on the future. He gave no indication to anyone, family or friends, that anything was wrong so it took everyone by surprise.

I have been totally devastated by it. Since my STBXH is not in touch with anyone, I called his lawyer (the only contact I have for him) and made sure she told him. I also contacted all of his family members and friends that I could. The OW called my business and left a message for me to call them. I want nothing to do with "them," but I passed the number along to family and friends.

Meanwhile, the divorce is heating up. We had two conferences recently with both our lawyers. During the first, he started crying, telling me he was sorry and still loved me. He seemed to want to compromise, but by the next meeting, all bets were off. As usual, he was just being nice because he wanted something. He had made an offer on a piece of property and needed money to buy it. Since I didn't cooperate, he took me to court last week, forcing our home, where I'm currently living, to be listed within 72 hours.
I'd agreed to sell it, but on top of everything else, it's overwhelming right now. Remember, I've been sending him a check every two weeks since he left and paying his rent to keep him away. Predictably, the next thing he's going for is spousal support since he's lost his professional license and is using an old injury to apply for disability!

Then, a week after my stepson's death, STBXH slashed his wrists sitting in his car in the driveway where OW was sure to find him. He was hospitalized on a 72-hour hold and released. He hadn't had contact with his son in two years, despite his son's efforts to contact him. Then he and ex-wife decided that I wasn't invited to the funeral. I guess they've agreed I'm the bad guy, despite the fact that all I've heard, even from his family is, "Thank God for luckystar"..."you're the only sane one."

I don't feel very sane right now, I feel very alone. The pain of the betrayal is right back in my face, the pain of my family coming apart, the pain of struggling to keep myself going and to keep our business afloat by myself. Now STBX is forcing me into a corner where I may very likely have to sell the business I've been running alone for over 3 years. I have a large corporation coming to look at it. I feel like I'm losing everything at once - son (he was my only child), marriage, family, home, business, and I'll probably even have to get rid of most or all of my animals - 7 horses, 4 dogs, and 2 cats.

Joined: Jan 2001
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I am so sorry Lets Try

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Just for you. There is not a lot I can say, dont know how you feel on the death, but I do know and feel all of your other struggles. An alcoholic family is so tough to deal with.

I am worried for my children , being children of alcoholics. I have tried to get the to Al-Anon, but so far they have resisted, and so far they seem to be doing OK.

Send me an email if you'd like to chat. I dont want you to feel so all alone, because you arent. I have added you to my prayers.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs again}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Dawn

Joined: May 2002
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LetSTry,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about all that is going on.

Try to get with some personal friends if you can, to help you with what you are going through.

There are times... (and this appears to be one of them)) where you can't go it alone.

Try to get togehter with any friends and/or family that you can... either in person or by phone... and let them know just how exactly how your feeling.

It will overwhelm you if you let it... please don't let that happen.

Keep posting... talking to whomever you can feel comfortable with talking with that you can... and try to take all that is coming at you one step at a time.

You will get through this... take a deep breath... or many deep breaths... as many as it may take. Try to clear your head and say a prayer... and take each issue one at a time... and try to come up with a viable solution for each issue as best you can... when you can.

Don't worry about who thinks who is the bad guy at this point in time... you can sort that out later. Just focus on the most important issues at hand at this time... and deal with the rest later.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Joined: Sep 2003
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Hang in there. The statistics on the death of a child, and the continuation of a relationship are very, very bad. Your STBXH will probably not last with OW.

Try to support him.

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Hi L,

I know your story well. As you know, Lora and I are friends and she has shared some of your sitch with me, plus what I've read over the years.

I'm terribly sorry about your stepson. It's very sad and very shocking.

I don't know what to say about the financial stuff, other than it's horrifically unfair. I'm going to pray really hard that the outcome is in your favor.

For so long now your husband and OW have been living the fast fantasy life, with you trying to keep things together, trying to keep the business going, taking care of the real life stuff.

But no matter what he's done, I feel bad for him because I think he's feeling the weight of all his mistakes, all at once.

I wish he'd relinquish what you deserve and just be fair. That would help his guilt I believe.

I will keep you in my prayers. I don't think I've helped, I'm not that wise, but I do feel so much for what you must be going thru and feeling.

Please try to be strong,

Love,
Jo

Joined: Apr 2001
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LetS,
Just wanted to say that I am sorry for the loss of your son. May the Lord be with you and keep you in his loving arms. (They may not seem very loving right now but they are!!!)

Dawn

Joined: Jun 2004
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Lets,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be going through.

I'm so sorry you're feeling hurt and alone at this time but, remember you're not alone there are many people here to help and support you.

I will say a prayer for you, that the Lord will make things right for you soon.

May God bless you and keep you safe and may he have your son in his holy glory.

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I hope you take the time to care for yourself, and seek grief counseling for the loss of your stepson and your M.

Joined: Sep 2001
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You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now. You have my greatest sympathies. Surround yourself with friends and take care of yourself during this difficult time.

Take care and God bless!
K

Joined: Oct 2001
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((((((((((((LetSTry))))))))))))

no words <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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LetSTry Offline OP
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Thanks everyone, I don't have much time to respond today since the memorial service is this afternoon and everyone's coming back to my house afterwards. Lots of friends, old and new, have responded with love, support, and prayers. Despite the support, the loneliness of having to go through the loss of my stepson is only made worse by all the added losses. I have bad moments, like when I posted, and better moments when I'm not feeling totally overwhelmed.

Dawn, Yes, the wreckage of alcoholism can be devastating. Another woman in my local, small town Al-Anon group lost her 29-year old son the day after my stepson died. He had been missing for 3 days and was found dead in his car. They've already ruled out natural causes, but haven't gotten the tox report back yet. We haven't gotten my stepson's either, but he'd been drinking... Thanks for the invitation to e-mail. I may later, but I'm pretty overwhelmed right now.

Wallace and others, Thanks for the suggestions. I'm doing my best to take care of myself, though I seem to be on another grief diet. I actually have had lots of support, it's just that no one can take away the pain or even help me with most of the stuff I have to do. I have found a support group on-line for friends and family of people who died by suicide and I'm looking into a monthly group in a nearby city (I live in a small town). I also have Al-Anon, though, like living with alcoholism, or cancer, or surviving adultery and divorce, we need the support of others who are walking the same path.

Jo, So many of our divorces seem so unfair, especially when we were the betrayed and our WS's are walking away with what seems like more than their share. My H has lost so much that money can't buy that even if I have to sell everything, move out of the area to get a job, and pay him alimony, I will still have way more of what's really important: friendship, self-esteem, a growing relationship with God, as well as basic things like the ability to take care of myself.

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((((((LetSTry))))))

My heart goes out to you, LetSTry. Your circumstances are more overwhelming than I can imagine, and I can think of no great words of encouragement or wisdom, unless they be to remind you that God can get you through anything, even this.

King David, who lived through some pretty horrific family circumstances, still said: "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken." (Psalm 37:25)

Joined: Sep 2000
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My heart is broken for you dear...

You're in my thoughts! (((((hugs)))))

E

Joined: Oct 2001
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(((((( LetSTry ))))))

I am so, so sorry about all that you are going thru. I am saying a prayer just now for you, that the Lord will be so very close to you and give you His comfort and peace. And that He will work all the circumstance of your life out for good.

God bless you, sweetie!

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I am sorry to hear about the death of your husband's son.

You mentioned that he was 23, and you and your husband had raised him since he was less than a year old. I am a bit confused, because your signature line says that you and your husband have been together for only 18 years, and married for only 10. Is your signature line 4 years out of date? Were you living with him and his son for 8 years before you married? I am curious as to how an alcoholic father (I gather this was before his period of sobriety) ended up with custody of an infant, especially over twenty years ago. Fathers having custody was pretty unusual at that time.

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LetSTry Offline OP
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Nellie, When my H left 3.5 years ago, my stepson was 19 years old. He turned 23 this May. My H met his 1st wife when he was an orderly in a psych ward and she was a patient who had just made a suicide attempt after having an affair with her then husband's brother who she had thought would leave his wife for her, but didn't. She and my STBX were only together for a short while. He left after she got pregnant and came back again briefly for the birth. His wife didn't file for divorce until my stepson was 4 years old. During that time, the most she saw him was every other weekend. The rest of the time he lived with us. In other words, they were equally screwed up and the judge decided to give them joint custody.


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