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Joined: Jul 2004
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Good day to you all.....after 21 years of M- great home- friends,family,kids etc......h has A. year + of a good recovery...lots of changes-vacations etc.....and then.....I find out h never went NC. suddenly moved out 2 months ago. has little contact with any of us- living with ow. mentioned filing when I asked if that was his plan..when he can afford it. I contact him- email-snail mail-he just doesn't contact back. looking for anything anyone here has to offer.... and I am looking to save my M.

WALK IN THE SPIRIT!

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I don't know if I can give you any good advice or not about saving your M.

This is what happened to me. H started A right after he moved out, though supposedly we were supposed to be "recovering" from my A on him last year. I wanted to work on it, and he decided to scrap it because he has somone else.

Well, he didn't file for D, because like yours, couldn't afford it. And he was avoiding having to pay support for our child. I went ahead and started the ball rolling because every time I talk to him, he tells me more and more how he doesn't want anything to do with me.

He doesn't answer my calls, answer my e-mail, he's too busy with his OW. I guess in my case, I had to finally admit that it was over to myself and call it quits. He already had much before he'd moved out.

So, in my case, big ugly nasty D is here. I hope that something is better for you, but don't think that he has to come home, he will do whatever he wants and that's the same for you.

You have your own mind and your own soul that you control, no one else.

Good luck.

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God'sGirl,

Go to www.restorem.org and www.rejoiceministries.org (sign up for the email "charlyne cares").

I am sorry you are going through this and pray the Lord intervenes and heals/restores your marriage soon.

God bless.

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LME! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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LME- I got my books from restore ministries after only 2 days- read alot- are you a member?

PEACE OUT

(typo edit)

<small>[ July 10, 2004, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: GodsGirl2 ]</small>

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Hi God'sGirl,

I'm glad you found the sites and got the books. I would also recommend signing up for "Charlyne Cares" at the www.rejoiceministries.com site. It got me through many days. A good book from that site is "The Prodigal's Perspective." It's written by the husband (Bob Steinkamp) and what was going on in his mind and heart during the time he was having an affair and divorced from his wife... and what things she did that touched him and eventually brought about their remarriage (going on many years now!). They are a very, very sweet, dear couple. They both share alot of their hearts through the email devotionals.

I am sort of a member there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My husband remarried several months ago, so I really don't actively pursue reconciliation anymore and don't visit the site too often (usually only when I recommend it to someone and I check out some testimonies). I don't regret for a moment though that I sought reconciliation and am so thankful that I found those sites. Seeking reconciliation, despite my husband's remarriage, kept me from becoming bitter and revengeful, etc. It also helped me to heal in the right way in the right time.

I did have a prayer partner though from Restore Ministries who DID reconcile with her husband... they are now remarried to each other, and that was after his affair and a very bitter divorce. That was a blessing to witness.

There are a couple of other good books, if you can afford them. Some I'd recommend (all are Christian) are: "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat (it's a small $3.99 book), "Winning Your Husband Back Before It Is Too Late" by Gary Smalley, "The Excellent Wife," by Martha Peace (very godly woman!), "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian, "Because I Said Forever" by Heather Kopp (here's info and a sample chapter: http://www.multnomahbooks.com/bookDetail.asp?isbn=1576738523 )

The more you fill your mind with truth and encouragement/admonishment from godly women who've "been there, done that" or from other professional Christian counselors, etc. (like Gary Smalley), the better, because in all honesty, the popular mentality in the world regarding divorce (esp. if there's been adultery!) will be that you should "move on," etc. It won't be along the lines of forgiveness, reconciliation, etc.

Erin, from Restore Ministries, has such an opposite view... viewing it as her husband's soul literally endandgered, etc. I really needed to have her (and the other couple) as "mentors" so that I could see the "bigger" picture of it all (divorce).

That's awesome that you got your books so fast! I read Erin's book a couple of times. It was like reading the Bible actually (because she uses so much Scripture). If you can afford it now, or one day, I'd also recommend the "Be Encouraged" tapes. I got mine sent to me from a lady who worked there and whose marriage had been restored, so she passed them on to me. I passed them on to another prayer partner I have (some time after my husband remarried), otherwise I'd send them to you!

God bless and be near you.

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 01:06 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

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hi LME- you are an angel sent I do believe-to me. I saw that you hadn't posted here anywhere since June and there you were for me. bless you. I had been doing everything "right" in our apparently false recovery and almost right since my h left. I got a message to him yesterday that I am sorry- for everything- he can have what he wants- just let me know. I had been resisting his effort at removing his things from our home as when he left he took a very bare minimum with him. I have not been nasty or ever name calling or disrespectful-(I thought) when in any conversation with him. but now I can see that my tongue was loose with details of his escapades and I am truly repentent about that. I have spent 7 full weeks on my knees and face and truly believe more everyday that the Holy Spirit is IN ME and that God our Father can turn my h heart any way He chooses. I know that the Lord is in my h heart too- he reacts powerfully to certain things and somewhere he has buried those thoughts and is traveling a wide path of destruction. The narrow path I follow will be hard for him to find but my fervent hearts desire is that he will choose that. I pray for my children who went PLAN B in the fullest sense immediately. I gently instruct but they are grown- for them not to discount the Lord so easily=they know my deep faith but they are still so young in perspective and years and haven't found their peace with these circumstances and where is God in it. I really expected my h to react STRONGLY and QUICKLY to my message- to come storming in and have what is HIS....but he didn't. he has been so angry and dare I say ugly since he left.....about his rights-what about me-etc......I don't understand the NON-reaction to my "you are free" message. I have not been accepted as a member of the ministry board yet so don't have an e-partner. Please feel free to tell me what you think- I do need to talk to someone positive and in my walk with the Spirit. That is nt so easy to find here...I get alot of downer advice which I do not follow. I did send my h things in the mail and now see I shouldn't have- but we all learn in our own sad time huh? Letting GO and TRULY letting God deal with my husband is the path I am on now. Some legal papers have gone thru as I am currently but hopefully not for long-disabled and cannot work. Formerly I was a SAHM and now I must take on the role of provider and protector. I won't be a fighting cat at that conference- I will pray that my h continues the support he has given but has decided to withdrawl now.

do please write again= and thank you SO very much.

WALK IN THE SPIRIT

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GG2-
I did want to address your original statement "Idle threat?".
In your H's mind, I do not think it was an idle threat. I think he truly believes that he needs to get a D. That doesn't mean the D will go through - and I am sure he changes his mind constantly. But in that moment, he meant it.
I remember my Ex saying that he was tired of everyone preaching to him, that he visited a chaplain, and he was told that he is "all ready forgiven" of his sin of adultery. That as soon as he prayed to be forgiven, that was the end of it, and now he only needed to "make things right" I asked him what that meant - "make things right" and he said "you know, getting a divorce so I can marry OW" and I said "H, throwing away your wife and children, leaving your wife to a life of being the divorced single mom, does not make anything right". I was very calm, which was always hard to do when he was twisting scritpure around to suit himself. Of course he had nothing to say in reply. I said, H, you can divorce me, and marry that woman, but that will never make this whole thing right.
(by the way - I would still like to find out who that chaplain was who supposedly told him that he was all ready forgiven - forgiveness in my opinion involves 3 things - repent, ask forgiveness, and turn from the sin. He was still living with the OW and she was still married, so the sin was still going on. I can only hope that the chaplain did not have all the facts and did not understand that the sin was still happening)
Even then I could undertand, in a sick sort of way, his hurry to be divorced. He did not want to be accused of adultry any longer. He knew it was wrong. He only hoped that the sooner he married the OW the sooner his life would go back to being "normal". As it turns out - they only lived together for 6 months before she threw him out. Apparantly she discovered that he was not an easy person to live with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and he realized that I had been very tolerant of his bad habits over the years <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .
He tells me now that she actually got angry with him for chewing ice, and they used to get into huge fights because she was mad at him for eating too fast. These 2 things were mildly annoying to me over the years, but I put them on my list of things that were not worth fighting about.
I think it is important to remember one thing - part of the reason the WS is interested in the OP is becuase they think the OP loves them exactly as they are. That neither one of them will ever have to change anything to please the OP. This is ridiculous of course. We all have to learn how to meld our habits, our personalities, and our lifestyles together. You give a little, you take a little. But the WS doesn't want to give anything - they only want to take. After all, why would they give up everything they have - spouse, respect, family, finances, in order to be with this OP? If OP is going to turn out to be just another person - not the perfect mate they thought in the beginning, then what is the point?
Hang in there.

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God's Girl,

I have to apologize because I was in the middle of a post to you and accidently deleted it. It is late right now and I need to go to bed, so I will try to reply tomorrow (it will not be until late evening though). I pray that the Lord is with you and near you, giving you comfort, peace, rest, strength, and hope. He is "close to the brokenhearted" and is the light that will guide you as you take this one day at a time.

Hang in there. Continue in prayer, fasting, and faith. You are fighting a battle that goes far beyond flesh and blood, and it will not be an easy or painless fight, but the Lord IS with you. There are many other Believers on the same narrow path that you are on. You have never met them, but you are not alone.

May the Lord do a mighty work in your life, your husband's life, and in your marriage, and may He do it quickly. That is my prayer for you.

God bless, and I will try to reply more tomorrow.

(One of many inspirational stories I discovered during my time of seeking reconciliation: http://www.cbn.com/living/amazingstories/family_restoration-allen.asp )

<small>[ July 13, 2004, 02:31 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

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LME is right - God WILL be very near to you now.
I am reminded of a comment that my brother in law made very soon after my H left. He said "Beth - this experience will teach you all about the power of prayer, and it will bring you very near to God." I said "BIL - I feel so bad - because I am so skeptical right now! How could God let this happen to me! I am the one who attended church on a regular basis - not H! So why am I suffering? I do not feel very close to God right now!!.
And my BIL said "Beth, don't you think God knows that? Don't you think it is in those times when you are so very lost that God is even closer? "
turns out - he was right. It took me awhile to see it. But he was right.
We want the quick fix - we want God to see our pain and FIX IT.
That same BIL also said to me "Beth, I know you will think I am crazy for saying this - but this time of pain, will bring you amazing growth." He had gone through a similar situation with his wife, and after a year, they were back together. he said "Beth, I would not change anything about that year. Even though I was deeply hurt - and cried every day- I would not give up the person I am today because of it.
He told me that in June. By December I was telling him he was right. At this pont, I sometimes want to say "OK God, I am done learning now. I just want to coast for awhile". But, I have learned so much. And grown so much. I know that God did not wish for me to be divorced - and I pray that will not happen for you. I also know that God did not want me to hurt. But I have come to a great place in my relationship with him, and for that I rejoice!!!

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And my BIL said "Beth, don't you think God knows that? Don't you think it is in those times when you are so very lost that God is even closer? "
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hummmmm


Hummmmmmmmmmmmm


During one of my many *low* times I had a conversation with God. I went to a quiet place, turned off my phone, got comfortable and said, "God this is me. I know your listening and I know you know exactly what's going on in my life and why. I know you have a plan for me, but I'm going to be perfectly honest here and state that at this moment I really think your plan sucks. I mean come on God if this is a test doesn't the 60% rule apply?".

Of course God didn't reply in traditional terms (no parting of the heavens or burning bushes), but I did get a bone later that evening. Ordered takeout and the fortune cookie stated very clearly, "God answers all questions in his own time". I looked up and said, "God, I hope your talking the 7 day's kind of thing."

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I don't even recognize my h anymore. I am still standing for my M and don't feel ugly or bitter. but he is reallllllllllly ugly now. doesn't care about anyone but himself. amazing. thats my update- fairytale for him? time will tell....we have all cut him off-faily and friends too- lawyers helping me and I have left h in Gods hands.

WALK IN THE SPIRIT!


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