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#775026 07/26/04 09:44 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
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jph Offline OP
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For the longest time I've tried to understand my husband. He is cruel to me (always has been since 3rd day of honeymoon) and is cruel to our daughter. With my low self esteem, I could rationalize his treatment of me, but for the life of me I couldn't understand why he is so cruel to his daughter.

She's a wonderful young lady, never given us a moment of trouble. Very compliant, honored student, class leader, senior superlative, excellent tennis player who received a $48,000 scholarship, leader in our church youth, does volunteer work, the list goes on and on. I am very proud of her and was/could never be a fraction of the person she is.

I could never understand it. He is an alcoholic who less than two months ago came into her room while she was asleep, naked and drunk. It absolutely terrified her and I have slept on the floor of her room since then. Twice she has awakened screaming while having nightmares about him. I don't think he has any memory of the incident. He came into my room before he went into her room and I told him to get out. I haven't spoken to him since March and am biding my time until I can get out. I need his health insurance as I am slowly going blind, have had 7 eye surgeries and need another in 6 weeks.

Anyway, I've searched and searched to find the answer. I was sitting in a Barnes and Noble recently (I'm only home when she's home) and saw this book, "Christian Men who Hate Women." It was the answer-he's a misogynist! Misogynist are men who hate women. Some studies even suggest that gay men do not love men as much as they hate women. While he claims to be a Christian, I see no evidence in his behavior-not sitting in judgement just looking at the fruit of his life.

His mother "ran" their home, wouldn't let him get his driver's license until he was 18, made him live at home until he was 27, went from smothering to ignoring, was married to a wimpy man, gave no consideration to anyone else, hated everyone who was a part of her life and was obviously, very seriously mentally ill. She hated my guts from the get go.

The book explained that often these men will withhold sex. In the 21 years of marriage, we've had sex very few times and only 2 times since our daughter was born. I thought for years that he was gay but recently found out that he goes to prostitutes. His mother tried to "educate" me when we were first married that sex was sin. What a sicko.

I found out just a few years ago his true age and that most of what he had told me about himself was a lie. The case of the man whose wife is missing in Utah reminded me of my husband's behavior.

Anyway, this book explained that hatred of women comes from abuse from the mother. While it's not that simple, I see now why both our daughter and I have been treated so horribly. It has freed me from the burden that somehow the failure of our marriage was my fault. It used to make me so angry when even here, I read that 50% was my fault when I know that I have gone above and beyond to try to make him happy and our marriage work. Needless to say, I've suffered with depression for a long time and am having a very difficult time with anger and bitterness.

I thought that maybe there would be answers for someone else who found themselves on the receiving end of undeserved cruelty. I have not gotten to the point where I can feel sorry for him. Maybe one day, maybe not.

#775027 07/26/04 10:06 AM
Joined: Oct 2001
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Please call a women's help center and somehow arrange for a RO to be against him. They will secure the insurance payments and you need to leave him.

You've been abused and your daughter has been the VICTIM OF INCEST.

This is wrong and not the time to read and waste money on helping a man who is vile and a criminal.

Get out and get smart. You've been beaten down and I am sorry for that and for your unhappiness, but he isn't going to change and staying one minute longer is tantamount to abusing your child further. What kind of life for a child is having the mother sleep on the floor to ensure the father will not come in and attempt to force himself on his own child? Sick and wrong.

You should have no problem getting an RO. This divorce should be a cakewalk. Get some evidence and find all the financial and insurance and investment information you can and start making a list of what you want from the marital estate today. Call today.

If you wait you're not solving anything but becoming a passive partner in crime.

#775028 07/26/04 11:30 AM
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jph Offline OP
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Please know that I am not passive. There was/is no incest. I was right behind him when he went into her room and my yelling at him to get out of my room woke her. He was drunk, disoriented and incoherent.

This man has hidden all of the marital assets that he can. You buy a bond and you don't pay tax on the interest until it is cashed in. There is no way I can prove or find these funds. Nothing is in my name. It's as if I don't exist.

I've had restraining orders on him and they are worth the paper they're written on and that's all. The police won't do anything until he hits me or her. They tell me he has a right to be drunk in his own home. The court system tells me that I can have him removed if he make me afraid-the police aparently don't understand that.

I am currently beginning a career in real estate which takes up to a year to establish. I'm 50 years old and noone would give me a job making more than $9.00 an hour and I have a college degree! There are too many young educated people out there to hire an older woman. This on top of the fact they don't know about my eyesight. My left eye is gone and the right eye is getting worse.

Passive is not the word-it's trapped. He can cancel me from his insurance and no other insurance company will insure an existing condiditon. My daughter is leaving for college in 3 weeks-the university is in our town. She's living in the dorm as it will be safer there and she can begin her new life.

I'm not wasting money on this man, I don't want to have anything to do with him, I don't want to help him. I pray that God would decide that today is the last day for him to live on this earth.

I've talked with 2 attorneys. Because of women's lib, I walk with very little. Everything is cut down the middle despite his hiding of assets. He can even spend what money we do have and there is nothing I can do about it. I have no access to any of our funds.

I'm not passive. I do nothing for this man and haven't for a long time. I do not cook, clean, pay any bills, speak, or even acknowledge his existence. I am trapped. I am biding my time until I can get my sales and be able to live on my own.

A year ago my hair stylist called our home on a Saturday afternoon. She spoke with my husband and I don't know what he said to her. My next appointment she leaned down to my ear and told me that she knew what I lived with. She told me that she called and that she too had lived with such a man. I told her all that I had done with the police and court system and she told me to not waste my time. She had done the same and it didn't help. She said her husband had pointed a gun at her and the police just took him away for the night. He returned the next day and there was nothing she could do. It was his home too

#775029 07/26/04 10:50 PM
Joined: Jun 2004
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I really really really understand. He is so slick that you can't get rid of him. There is no agency to help you. All those tax dollars and all those government bureacracies and you can get nothing but empty promises and meaningless paper.

You are doing great. You have a plan. Ask God daily to help you meet your goals. "Unless the Lord builds your house, you labor in vain."

Now, about praying your husband dies. It is fair and it is actually biblical (read the psalms) but usually your attitude puts you in a place of bondage. My advice to you is simple. Do nothing for your husband except pray for his salvation and healing (and death if he refuses to answer the call of God and continues the abuse). You will begin to heal and you will release the power of God.

My ex refused to leave for one year and a half (even though he was dating and engaged to someone else) and even wanted me to sign papers that he could live in the house 2-3 years after our divorce! He bullied me the whole time and I would up agreeing to ridiculous things just so he would sign the divorce papers.

Keep looking to the future and trusting God to guide you. No matter what a jerk your h is, God loves you and thinks you matter. I know it does not seem like it right now but have faith that when it is over, you will see his hand in your life.

God bless.

#775030 07/27/04 07:40 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
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jph Offline OP
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Thank you Created for your encouraging words.

I wonder what God wants me to learn in this situation and admittedly quite recently have expressed my anger towards Him. I just don't understand. This has gone on for so long and I'm going blind. At times it just seems too much.

I used to feel bitterness towards my mother and father in law. Then I felt that the Holy Spirit was telling me to let it go as she was suffering the consequences of her actions. They're both dead and my h's affair began after her death. The woman he had an affair with was his mother made over-domineering, hateful, and immoral. No one could stand her either. She couldn't hold a job for longer than a few months.

As my daughter, I have nightmares about the horrible things he has done to us. We live in fear with no way out. The earlier poster, Just Peachy, does what he and so many who don't understand-blame me. That doesn't bother me as I know that I've done all that I can and have been obedient to God's Word.

I know that God will restore all that has been taken from me and look forward to that day. It is just the faith to get me there that I struggle with from time to time.

The point of my post was that maybe someone else was experiencing what I have and the answers I found may help them too. As bad as it has been for my daughter and me, I would rather face what we have that to be in his shoes. Look at all he has lost. How could one stand before God and justify cruelty to their family...


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