I know that after DV one must move on. I do want to give myself the best chance of reconciling one day, however. My stbx is in a flurry, trying to make her A legit (by DV'ing me), starting a new med practice (18 hr days), and moving out (to live with her father--at 37). We'll share custody and our families are close so there can be lots of contact.

My question is this: Should I "go dark" for a while while I heal and leave her to her own devices or should I engage her, a la Plan A?

Your sage advice is appreciated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Truth is key

doesn't sound like you want a divorce, you are hanging on, divorced, looking for Plan A. Too late now.

Best bet now is to decide what kind of life you want going forward. Picture that.

Then if you get the chance describe that to the ex-wife and get a response.

I posted my response to you in GQ...

It's too soon and A hasn't hit the sour note yet. And it might not ever.

Please read my other response to you. Let go of the rope, quit hanging on.

You cannot control the actions of somebody else. But you can control you and realize that no matter what you do, what they do is independent of you.

Work on you. Heal yourself. Do this for you. Don't beg, plead, or any of that crud. Remember we said learn how to 180? Also I would diminish contact for a while and let reality for her set in and let it set in for YOU too.

You just don't sanely go from full divorce/lawyer/legal battles to immediately signing papers and forgetting it ever happened and trying again. Life doesn't work that way.

A hasn't really hit light of day, you didn't reveal it to his work, and didn't they have internet affair? Reality of day to day life sets in after they shack up and most times reality kills the fantasy...Unless you're my x and the reality did kill the fantasy and OW knew only way to hold on was to "swallow da watermelon seed".

You can't hold onto this now. Remember like Dr. Phil says, at any time later you can have the power to reopen a negotiation. But your timing is wrong and you're not healed. You need distance and time away from this woman and to find yourself again and learn to be happy on your own and get thru this clinical depression before you think about a connection with ANYBODY.

Why? I waited two years until I dated. And it was after a lengthy separation and after judge signed papers. I needed that time to heal me and improve me. For ME...Not for xwh.

REality is some come back; some do not. When it goes to divorce, most do not return. A few do. We don't know what will happen. But work on you now. Your kids need their dad, the stable family guy to be stable family guy ok?

After I "found" myself again, I decided that being single wasn't so bad. Kinda like a wierd adventure..And I do not consider myself a good dater either. It's strange at our ages.

But I wouldn't be able to wake up happy for no reason had I not deliberately quit trying and let things go. Let it go. If not, you're allowing yourself to keep being strapped in to that emotional rollercoaster they (WS) want us to ride. Let them take the OP for the ride for a while. We all know the ride will end. But when and with whom riding? we don't know.

I once remember before the divorce my x stated that "all he needed was a few years to play around and he'd be back..that he would want to come back home then." I clung to that for about six months and then I got real. Reality? OW ended up moving in with him but they covered it up. OW got preggers deliberately to trap him. Now they're instantly married and parents.

So no chance of ever going back for me. I don't want to now. WS behaviors and reactions can't be predicted. Why? They are controlled not by their brains but by their gonads and emotions. Learn how to look at issues rather than emotionally. Work on you. Find you again.

Life is pretty good when you stop each day and count five blessings that have come your way.

Find five each day. Write them down each day.

thank you SO much for your perspective! I will strive to seperate heal and grow.