I don't get myself. My H has been horrible to me since we got married. He has been horrible to our daughter. The only thing that he's worse than as a father/husband is an alcoholic.

I haven't spoken to him since March because what he says to me just gets to my soul and destroys me. He makes me feel so bad about myself.

Week before last while drunk, he exposed himself to my daughter and her date. I don't think it was intentional just that he was flat out drunk out of his mind. Anyway, that really doesn't matter. She was traumatized either way. This summer he came into her bedroom at night while drunk and naked. She was so afraid that I slept on the floor of her room up until I told him that he had to leave.

My daughter went to college today-her freshman year. Last night my husband served divorce papers on me. The guy who served it at first acted like I was some kind of lunatic. After we talked for a few minutes and I told him that no matter what I knew the Lord would look after us. He said, oh please don't say that as I feel guilty having to do this to you. I realized then that he was told I was some kind of nut.

The papers said that I was guilty of marital misconduct. Please! I didn't have an affair, I do not drink and I've been loyal to this man when half a person would have walked long ago!

I was so angry that I called my husband. He said that he hated attorneys and that he still loved me. I told him that I didn't think he knew what love was.

Anyway, I talked to an attorney today and he informed me that it was just a form and didn't specifically related to me. I felt better.

Here's the problem. After I took daughter to the dorm, I came home crying and wet myself. I haven't done that since I was 3. I kept thinking to myself that I should have tried harder on the marriage. I had to call my mother and a friend I was so upset. What is the deal? I want rid of this man but when he leaves I want him back! It's sick! I don't know if I'm so afraid of the unknown that I'll tolerate misery. Why do I care about somebody that has been nothing but cruel to me for over 20 years?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jph:
<strong> I want rid of this man but when he leaves I want him back! It's sick! I don't know if I'm so afraid of the unknown that I'll tolerate misery. Why do I care about somebody that has been nothing but cruel to me for over 20 years? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You said it yourself....it's sick. And that is just what it is....a sickness. He has one (alcoholism) and so do you (co-dependency).

My heart goes out to you and I can definately feel your pain. But the bottom line is...

You need to get treatment for yourself. One good place to start would be Al-Anon, for wives and family members of alcoholics. That will help you with a basic understanding of why you act as you've described above. From there, you may need personal, one-on-one counseling or whatever.

But do whatever it takes to get help for yourself. It won't matter WHAT you do about the marriage right now until you take care of yourself. The marriage - or even your future relationships - will NEVER be right until you get right.

I'll say a prayer for you. And keep coming her to post if it helps. But don't just keep talking about it....you are actually going to have to do something about it.

And it all starts with you.

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>

Yes, seek both individual counseling and Al-anon.
You have only know this world, so a normal life in an unknown to you.
There are many great books out there. Get to a library and begin reading. Melodie Beatty wrote "Codependent No More" and Beyond codependency. These are great books. And for those times when you just can't concentrate, the library has books on tape.

If you can't afford counseling, find your local Women's crisis center. They deal with this type of issue and typically offer free counseling.

And find a local divorce support group to help you deal with the everyday stuff.

Good Luck.

Do you want him back, or the dream you had of a happy life with a solid, decent marriage? Some times these two losses are easily confused. If you want him back, you may have a problem with co-dependency. If you wish you still had your hopes and illusions, well, then I’d say you were pretty normal.

Thanks for the replies guys...

Greengables-I think you're right. It's hopes and illusions. I keep thinking that any day he'll turn into the fine person that my Dad was. He was a fine, honorable, and well respected man. He died at Christmas time and we had the visitation on December 23. The funeral director said it was the largest crowd they had ever seen and it was Dec 23! This was a funeral home that had been in business for many, many years.

I went to see my attorney today and I feel so much better. I think my problem is fear. I am afraid that I won't be able to make it on my own. You see I should be legally blind in 2 to 3 years. My left eye now is considered legally blind and my right eye is going down the same path.

I've been to Alanon and it didn't do anything for me.

I don't think I'm co-dependant as much as I am afraid. I'm 50 years old and my life has died down to very little. It's hard to maintain and establish new friendships when you live with an alcoholic. My attorney gave me great hope and told me I didn't need to suffer anymore.

They say you shouldn't divorce until you're totally out of love with the person. I've been that way for many years, it's just the fear that keeps me with him. I don't even like him. There would be something horribly wrong with me if I did.

You all are right about counseling. I think I'll call a counselor we had a few years ago and go to see him.

Thanks again Greengables..you hit the nail directly on the head.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jph:
<strong> Thanks for the replies guys...
I don't think I'm co-dependant as much as I am afraid. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fear is one of the major forces in co-dependency! Here's a good article on it...

http://psychcentral.com/library/id63.html

I agree that a good counselor is needed. You do have choices. Many of us here were handed those choices by spouses that left us...we didn't choose them. So I can tell you for a fact, that there is life after marriage!! Or at least a bad marriage or end to a marriage....

Hang in there, get the help you need and keep your mind open to all possibilities...maybe you are, maybe you aren't codependent....but it behooves you to find out for sure and then take the appropriate action to move on with your life.

I would never advocate divorce...I believe in the sancitity of our commitment in marriage. However, I also know that living with an active alcoholic isn't healthy for anyone. So I would say, at least separate, get your head together (with counseling, etc.) and only then, make choices.

God bless.