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Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 862
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H and I agreed to mediate instead of getting attorney's to battle it out. But the mediators are $200 hour and advise us to consult attornies anyway!

H refuses to pay temporary maitenance, because he is still paying the mortgage on the house the kids and I live in. The financial mediation revealed that his simple division of assests is much more complicated that we thought - I don't have enough to pay the mortgage, house has second mortgage, so refinance on my own unlikely, 401 K is huge tax liability, cabin unlikely to sell, second business payments are considered income not assest (H's). Anyway, we are hopeless stuck with the basics and when the mediator pointed out that maintenance was a likely option the court would order for me, he went balistic - "I'm not going to be a source of income for you" YOu are going to have to learn to get by on your own and live with less!" If I have to pay maitenance, I won't help you refinance, and you'll have to sell the house and live in a shack'! "What I earn is mine, what you earn is yours, period" This was out in the car afterwards, not in front of the mediator.

Not a pretty picture, nor the sentiments you would think the H who was abandoning his loving wife for OW would offer. He is mad because I am in our beautiful house and he and OW are in a smaller rental. Doesn't want to have to pay any penalty for leaving me after 14 years of marriage. Definitely did not like what the mediator had to say. Left him angry and me bewildered.

I have already paid $1000 in attorney consultations and still do not understand what it is that I am suppose to be doing to work out this financial picture.

Regarding the kids - H wanted to go right into 50/50 split with the kids living with him and OW.
I wanted a 6 month waiting period. The mediator wants H to move into an appt 2 days a week where he will see the kids for overnights alone, live with OW in their place the other 5 nights. Kids can be gradually introduced to OW during these two night stays after 2 weeks, but no overnights, and in 3 months, we reevaluate and see how the kids are doing. Mediator will monitor the situation and counsel OW as well as H, me & kids. Hate this - he will see H and OW as a couple, which kills me. I'm sure OW will promise that the kids best interests are her top priorty - BS.

Meanwhile, through all of this, I am still in love with my H, miserable without him, and suffering horribly with the knowledge that he is going home to her everynight, is so in love with her. The financial mediation has reduced our friendly relationship to distant and aloof, and driven him and OW even closer together as they comiserate on what a bad deal my H is getting in this process.

Life could not be worse - my nightmare keeps getting more and more horrible.

<small>[ October 22, 2004, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: Everhopeful ]</small>

Joined: Oct 2003
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Sorry to hear about your situation.

Just my 2 cents, and my humble opinion, I mean u no harm here.

U really need to focus on YOU and not HIM or your R or M with HIM. IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU NOW....these D things begin amicably until the SELFISH IDIOT WS begin to see the true consequences of their lying deceiptful ways...and it all comes down to the bottom line. MONEY...and MONEY...and MONEY. And obviously they do not want to pay.

I am in a similar situation and am going after every damn penny. It's all about me now..and YOU.
Focus on you, get busy, exercise, get out and meet people, etc.....this will begin your healing.

I firmly recommend you hire an attorney because your FUTURE is at stake...do not kid yourself, your idiot H only cares about him and his OW.

I would limit your discussions with him and try to go through the lawyer if you can....by distancing yourself from him you will find yourself again and not worry about him.

I wish you the best of luck. Take it one day at a time, and remember, KEEP BUSY!

Joined: Mar 2002
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He is used to you accomodating him, so I'm not surprised by the way he's acting. It's just now hitting him that everything isn't going to go exactly the way he wants, and he's used to getting his way. He's like a spoiled brat right now!

Try your best to ignore him, get good legal advice, and do what is necessary for you, despite his belly achin'.

DON'T BACK DOWN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Joined: Nov 2003
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My situation is somewhat simmlar but a little the other way around. My STBXWW is finding out through mediator that she will not be able to continue living the way she has. 2 mediators have already told her that she needs to get a job if she wants to be on her own.

For now I am doing my best to pay everything because that is where my children live but we hit a dead end at the mediator because of money.

The minimum she says she needs from me(Imagine that, she wants her independence on my dime)doesn't leave enough for me to live on.

Nature and finding my way back are right. I found that distancing myself from her made things a lot easier with time. I started to find me again and was less concerned with her. This is what allowed me to start ignoring her and look out for me rather than always accomodating her.

It pisses her off at times when she doesn't get what she wants, but I don't care anymore.

WIWH


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