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Joined: Jun 2000
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I know I need to focus on me. I know I need to let go. I know I need to keep busy, be with friends, take care of myself.

After 14 years of marriage and 2 beautiful kids, H has left me for OW - they live about a mile away in their new place. I can't seem to stop picturing them together, making love, going out on the town, having dinner and a video at home, going to sleep and waking up next to each other..all the stuff we were doing until just a few weeks ago. She is living my life, has replaced me.

We bought our dream cabin in the mountains 8 months ago, spent alot of time and love fixing it up and making it cozy. H took her up there for the first time last night. Ouch.

I also can't seem to stop analyzing their relationship, why it happened, what stage they are in right now, why it might fail, why it might last. Its hard for me to know if this is because I still want him back, or if I know I could never take him back, but just want to see them fail. I guess its a self esteem issue when you get dumped for someone else.

I know its only been a couple of weeks since they moved in together, and I am barely used to living without him. Wish things would have been more negative between us before he left, then I wouldn't miss him so much! I am trying to focus on other stuff, but my mind seems to drift back to them every 15 minutes or so, whether I like it or not. H thinks he has found his destiny, his soul mate, and of course, I picture them in their blissful honeymoon stage which I am sure does not compare to the nice, comfortable, familiar life we have been living the last 14 years with our great kids. H is now living without a family with his dream woman, younger, hotter, sexier, funny, intelligent, more athelitic, in his mind, a much better match for me. I don't think I will be able to stop thinking about them and/or stop hurting until I find someone else to take his place, and I haven't a clue even where to begin even a search for male friends, even platonic ones.

Picturing them up in our cozy cabin right this minute, snuggly and/or having sex in our bed, with the tall pines out the bedroom window, a nice little fire going to keep them warm.
Am I torturing myself or what??!!! How do I stop?

<small>[ October 23, 2004, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: Everhopeful ]</small>

Joined: Aug 2002
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Hi everhopeful......I dont have any words of advice, just to say welcome to my world. I am driving myself crazy with the same thoughts you have.

My WH is living now with OW for almost 2 months.

I do know this much though, if you can remove yourself from the drama it does help.

My curiousity gets me sad and miserable.

I do stupid things like check his Visa statement and his bank account (one thats his only, i figured out how to access it).

I ask my D every detail about her encounter with her Dad and OW.

These things upset me more, but i just cant seem to stop it.

Its still really early in the game for you. Everyone here says up to six months before an A might end. Alot could happen months down the line.

I think about everything you said, especially the part about why it wont last, and why it will last. Its all so heartbreaking, i know , im living it.

Big hug and take it day by day, thats all i do.

A/C0810

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Everhopeful,

Stop thinking YOU won't be happy until you replace HIM--Yes you will--

He hasn't replaced you--why? Because your not a toaster, your not a car, your not an object that is replacable--

You will always be a part of HIS life--why? Because the two of you have kids--you will always be his first wife--you will always be the mother of HIS children--You will always be the one who rebuilt the cabin with Him--and she has ALL of those memories to contend with--

And as I said before, the reality of their relationship is still hitting him--remember what happened with the mediator? He was told this is what he's going to have to pay--and he got angry--why? because he was thinking he could just leave and not pay any financial consequences
WRONG!! There are ALWAYS consequences--and yes, part of them will be financial--

When he is having to deal with that--and hee can't afford to take her and do as he has been--
ask your lawyer what you can do to reclaim some of the MONEY He used from YOUR marriage to buy things (even his new apartment) for him and OW--

Joined: Apr 2004
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You are not alone lady. My WH just went back to his OW although my DD was only 8 months ago. I agree about the NC - mine never stopped phone contact and hence we never even started to recover. Also been married 14 yrs and have 3 lovely girls. It's beyond belief. I need to start thinking about a new life for myself. I love being a mum but can't really concentrate on much at the moment, not even my lovely girls.

I feel that your WH should not be taking his OW to YOUR cabin. It's meant to be a place for you and your kids, not him and his OW (does OW seem like too nice a phrase - I can think of many to replace it with). When they start to encroach on your personal possessions it is an insult. I speak from experience here because my WH brought OW into my bed. I found black hairs in my hairbrush (she's chinese, I'm blond) and I still never figured it out until months later. Duh! There really is no rhyme or reason to all of this madness. I just really wish you strength and courage to make the best decisions for you and your children. I am determined to rise above this so I hope you can join me on my way up. TT

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I don't know if this helps, but I heard on Harley's radio show a guy who called in because his wife had left him for another woman -- and it turned out his relationship with her had started as an affair 17 years before when he had four children.

Harley said something very interesting, that the assumptions under the relationship eventually ruined it. "You're the only one for me" leads to disappointment and willingness to look elsewhere when things don't go just great.

The relationship is likely to end, but in the meantime you need to keep yourself together for the sake of the children. What they are doing, no matter how wonderful it seems to them, is devastating to two people to whom they made commitments of care for life -- and they know it.

Cherished


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