My husband and I have been separated for 3 months. I want to divorce. he recently sent me information on MB and wanted to go to an upcoming workshop. I've been reading everything I can on Dr. Harvey's classes and information. I feel guilty for pursuing the divorce. after 23 years of marriage which have been riddled with alcoholisim, abuse and a general disinterest in my well being or needs I found someone else. The affair came to the fore 3 months ago and we separated...I wish I had had the courage and honesty to end the relationship the right way, but I didn't.. Now he wants to really work on staying together and his problems at the same time..there have been some traumatic things that happened in the last month or so that caused him to have a 'break'.. in the hospital he was told he was an alcoholic and needed treatment, he also was diagnosed with an obsessive disorder or possibly bipolar and was prescribed antiphyscotic medication for the obessing so he could sleep at night...he was told that until he was alcohol free for 6 months it would be hard to diganose the rest..so now he is begging me for help with all of this and wanting me to support him in his healing. I am so overwhelmed ...I've lived this for almost 18 years...and really don't want to stay with him. but feel guilty for not helping him with this...aren't there sometimes when a spouse has nothing left to give anymore?? It has been so destructive for my children and I..I'm soo tired

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You will do better if you finish the relationship with your husband before you start another relationship. I know it is hard to do, but necessary, if you want to do things the right way.

Welcome to MB. There are many of us who deal / have dealt with the same issues with alcoholic / addicted spouses.

Only you can make that decision to leave or not.

First of all, is everone safe? If not, that's the first order of business. Then....

I am curious if you have been going to alanon and working the recovery program?

For me personally, I have thought of divorce (more than once) but God kept me handing on, sometimes in the most bizarre ways when I listened to HIM.

If you do try to help your H, you may want to adopt guidelines and even have him sign "

No drinking, drugs.... demonstrate with words not just actions that he is actively pursuing his own recovery " Let actions dictate what you do or don't do, not just words.

Please don't misunderstand, don't accept unacceptable behavior nor let what he does affect your self worth.

I have sponsored a number of women who took the course you are headed and usually ended up with more of the same ( maybe not alcoholic, but not healthy relationships.) How could it be other wise, we have been in unhealthy relationships for years.

On the other side ....Alcoholics truley working their program are some of the finest people I've ever met.


In the Harley's book "Love Busters" there are stories about alcoholic marriages. (It's in the new edition not the old one.

Blessings,

D.

I agree with beliver. Don't start a new relationship untill you have ended your marriage. End it with dignity and honesty (if this is what you feel you want to do). PLease understand this: NOT ALL MARRIAGE'S ARE MEANT TO BE SAVED. I think that too many people think that, and hence you see the truly tragic stories of people emotionaly dying in the name of this. You should NOT stay with your husband becasue you feel sorry for him. You are not doing him any favors and in the end will make things worse. Get some IC and don't rush things. A marriage shoud not be saved AT ALL COSTS depsite what many on here say. Good luck.

The sad truth is sometimes it is too late. I think you might feel less guilt if you end the affair now. Then, let the divorce and separation process go through.

Then, you can see if after he dries out and gets the treatment he needs, if there is anything there.

I'm sorry you found us so late in the game. Hey, you might want to check out Lost Husband's thread. He's in recovery. His ex-wife had an affair, and they ended up getting divorced. A while after the divorce, he started going to AA.

In a way, he's a success story even though his marriage didn't make it. Today, sober, he's probably a great catch. With time and sobriety, your husand might turn into a great catch as well.

Read up on the concepts here, if you haven't already. Get some of the books too. The libraries have them or can get them.