I hope the comments were not addresed to me...Clearly I think there is a problem if masturbation is done because of a lack of interest in/by a spouse. I'd be the first to say, and my wife the second, that there is a large difference in our sexual appetites.

And yes, that is NOT good. I agree. Actually it really sucks! Or rather, it doesn't. LOL

I totally disagree about sex being mechanical, at least for this guy. There perhaps are times when it is "just about sex"...but for me, that is very rare. I think I might be very different among men, but I enjoy the romance, the teasing, the build-up...all the very things my wife DOESN'T enjoy! Or at least not I consider the above...Oh well.

And one more comment. I'll say this as a suggestion....maybe some of you woman are viewed as being very sexually inhibited by your husband? I have no clue...please don't be offended...but perhaps just think about it. I can say in my experience, my wife enjoys intercourse. She doesn't enjoy foreplay. It is usually always the same way...position wise. It is rather great, no doubt, but personally, I'd enjoy a bit more variety and "wildness". Perhaps I will be branded as a pervert, already have been likened to Satan himself...LOL...so no worries there. But perhaps if a woman of rather "reserved" history would loosen up and show a little "wild" side...maybe that would make a huge difference?

Just a thought....

Is it possible that we could agree that there are healthy as well as unhealthy forms of masturbation?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will come out of the closet--I do it. It helps me get to know my own body and has greatly improved my sex life overall--if I know what to do, I can teach my H. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To me, that's a healthy form. When H is out of town, or when I was recovering from childbirth, I have no problem with him taking this route. As a matter of fact, it's like, thank you. Thank you for not doing a ONS.

I think that openness about this is important for your marriage. Shaming your H about this will just drive him further from you.

bp22: just curious, without being too graphic, what sort of wildness might be important?

Sweetannie:

Just something different.

Instigation...besides "Do you want to come upstairs with me?", how about walking in the living room (everyone else asleep of course) naked or nearly naked.

Touch. How about touching everywhere. Softly, not so softly, whatever is liked. But without trying, how do you know? Not just gentials, everywhere. Rub your fingers, lightly drag your nails, wet hands, cold, etc. The skin is extremely sensitive...

Exploration. I have a big body...explore it. Let me explore yours. Try to relax and open up and think that you might enjoy having your necked rubbed, your calves massaged...

Sensualness. There's a huge difference between "slutty" and sensual...especially within marriage. There is no slutty within marriage...I think. Don't be afraid or embarrased to be "sexy".

Teasing. I'd probably kill to be teased, in a sensual/erotic kind of way. I wonder what this would be like...what do I mean? Touch, rub, then stop. Touch rub someplace else. Stop. Know how your spouse responds...sense the "arousal"...feedback.

Our problem is, I'd say, my wife just wants to "get right to it". Not always, but nearly always. And she then doesn't enjoy these other things. And certainly gets no joy out of pleasing me. When everything is filled with sighs, facial expessions, and obvious signs of withdrawl....it's about as much fun as pulling teeth!

So, she just doesn't like it....and I should just accept it. And go my life without these things. Yeah, right. And marriage is a one way street. Oh, forgot that part! I'm the big, bad, arrogant husband. Yes, I can be sarcastic, eh? LOL

For years and years I have always commented on how I'd love to come home some evening from work, all the kids asleep, with my wife waiting in a t-shirt...You know, come on to me, blatantly instigate...basically just jump me. Never has happened...I refer to her as "inhibited". I think because of religion upbringing...just the subconcious thought that sex is for reproduction...not enjoyment. She completely denies...that's OK...but whatever the reason, I'd just suggest that wives (or husbands) open up and explore, be more aggressive, instigative. It is NO FUN to always have to suggest...surprise me, take me, force me (wahoo!), whatever...spontaneous. But enjoy it. And if you don't, well, that's my dilemna. I don't enjoy it when I know she doesn't....no bigger turn off...so what to do???

So I am not suggesting getting out the whips and chains, although, I have nothing against that if you enjoy it. LOL Actually, being tied up would probably be wonderful...talk about a tease!

Things like that. Not boinking out in the front yard on the interstate.

but handjobs on the interstate are okay, right?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks so much bp22--or maybe my H should thank you.
It's nice to get some ideas I can surprise him with. I admit I am not very good at teasing. It's like acting and I'm talent-deprived.

ok...and what about those of us who MUST or get NOTHING? And what about when I get it 5 times a year while her vibrator gets it 3 or 4 times a week?

IMHO: God knew we'd need to masturbate! Else why would He give us two hands at just the right position to be... um... 'handy'!

And for all you supposedly higher-brain types who don't get it: No, masturbation isn't nearly as good as intimate loving intercourse. That's like comparing a bologna sandwich to a T-Bone steak dinner.

But if you're starving, bologna can look pretty good.

Lots of women don't orgasm at all, and lots more can only do it themselves--

But I think that is largely because they are too shy to teach their men how to do the thing right...

BP, could this be a factor for you? Your wife said no once, and I hope that's true, but I do wonder.

Maybe that's cause I had bad sex before I learned how to GET AGGRESSIVE and teach my man how to do it right.

As for masturbation--as long as we're talking about it, why not do it together? Fun for all, and arousing!

Not like I'm a sex goddess or something. I agree with sweetannie, sometimes it is like acting. BUT, I try to live by the rule "fake it till you make it" (Ellis, baby). If I can act confident, eventually I really WILL be confident.

It works, I swear--I used to be a "lie there and do nothing" kind of girl, now I prefer to be on top!

EJ

I will have to get my wife to respond here...but for the moment, speaking for her, I please her very well. I think she will agree. There is no question she has real orgasms, both inside and outside as I call them, and they are intense. Getting even better as time goes on I think. I am willing to do anything for her...I mean anything. And I stop anything she doesn't like. She sometimes will say I am too rough...but I don't think I could possibly apply less pressure in a touch. I haven't yet taken out a measurement device...but I think she has some physical sensitivity issues. She hates massages...she hates to be rubbed (back of legs, neck, etc.) and I can't possibly put on less pressure that with the very tip of my tongue, as softly as possible. And no, not on the clittoris itself either...I am aware of the female anatomy and what she likes...and yes, it does change from moment to moment...that's all part of the fun.

I think our problem (sexually wise) is just a lack of desire (or interest) on her part. She will say, and I totally can accept, to a degree, that I upset her too much with my comments and such and why would she ever want to be close to me. But all things aside, I think her sexual chemical interest is just low. At least much lower than mine. I am not the once a week type...not sure I could go everyday 365 days in a row. But certainly 360 out of 365. LOL

There are times when she is very, uh, horny. And during these times she is all "get right to it"...literally. She has indeed tried lately to appease my interest for foreplay...but it is rather obvious...and after a few minutes, she'll ask the "are you ready for the real thing yet?" LOL It's true. No, it doesn't take me a long time to get ready...no need for Viagra here. Anti-Viagra, now that's a pill I'd probably take daily. Maybe 3 times a day! LOL

I think people are just different...unfortunately the two of us are on rather different ends of the spectrum on this area.

As for faking...I don't think teasing is acting. It's not what I mean. But, if it is somethign you don't enjoy...then you are right, it would be very hard for me to enjoy anyways. Once I detect displeasure...and this is rather often, it is a huge turnoff to me. I think it should be that way. I don't think it is so much physical displeasure, although sometimes it is, but just "something new, something besides "getting righ to it" displeasure". Almost like a complete lack of interest in exploration, NO curiousity, just disgust. She is OK with receiving...she HATES to give.

To me teasing would be something that you know your spouse loves...and brings them close to orgasm...but don't take them all the way. Stop...do something else...go back. Just play with it. Personally, I'd love it.

mp22 and I just talked this morning about how I need to be more willing to endure her lack of interest, but continue the activity. It kinda feels like rape to me...that's not at all my fetish interests. LOL

What I don't understand though, if you claim to love someone, truely love someone, why would you not be willing to do anything for that person???? You might say in a heartbeat you'd be willing to die...but not give oral sex? Ok, just don't understand. I guess this is one reason I say my wife doesn't really love me. And this is the very reason I say that being honest with yourself is the hardest thign to do. Admitting how you really feel, what you really want, it was incredibly hard for me. Took 10 years of marriage for me....because I knew what the truth would mean. Now I am loving with the consequences.

Anyways, we are talking about basic things here...my wife doesn't like to touch me. She doesn't enjoy anything oral...sometimes receiving...never giving. She has no "imagination" about what to do next. She just wants to "get right to it". And then she is always on top (I'm 6'2" and 290 she is 5'1" and 125) so maybe that makes sense...but variety...it'd be nice.

And I would basically die, and have, when she has suggested something different. That's one of the things I mean about equal partner...take me someplace I wouldn't go alone...don't always make me be the one "in control". Whether it is sex or where we eat. In the past, I have asked her to be "in control" sexually...and she gets all extremely pissed off...saying I am playing games...I am playing games out of porno movies...and she is pissed. I think that is ridiculous. And I think I am missing out on many many things.

And as someone mentioned previously, I am forbidden from these things FOREVER because she is the only one that can provide them...and yet has no interest. So, for me? Ah, to bad. I am the big bad arrogant Satan like husband! LOL (Sarcasm and humour kids...yet exactly what I have been told here by others)

For me, the biggest turnon, without a doubt, is to give. To know that what I am doing is pleasing her. To me, there's nothing else like it. What upsets me, is that this is not at all even remotely close to how she feels. You of course can say if I am happy with giving, why care that she has no interest? Yea right.

And someone on a different post explained how the years of no sex...the years of wondering every day if today was the day, the years of going months without...that is filled him full of resentment. I know that happend to me. Throughout my entire 20's, once every 6 weeks. That 9 times a year...or 90 times in 10 years...in my 20's. The ENTIRE DECADE! There no doubt that this has caused a huge problem in our marriage. And yet it is ALL my fault because I was always so evil, so verbally abusive.

I should have known...dated for 6 years (ages 14-20)...no premarital sex (no intercourse anyways) and on the wedding night...NOPE. No sex. Too late...it was about 3AM...but c'mon...what gives????

OK...rambled on and on.

Are you other ladies like this? Are you ones to lie still and quiet in bed? mp22 has come a long ways...indeed. Do you think being in control is a game? Do you think getting right to it is the only thing? Do you think curiousity and exploration is only something generated from the evil porno movies?

OK so I will reply as bp22 said- So what do you do if you just aren't interested? My sex drive is pretty low most of the time, but when I'm ready, then I'm ready and yes my husband DOES satisfy me. The problem is that even if I'm willing to have sex even though I'm not interested, then my husband tells me no because my disinterest turns him off. I can't win either way because he complains if I'm not interested and he complains if I offer, but am not really interested. Either way he gets nothing and acts all upset because I've "rejected" him once again. I can't fake it at all because I am really disgusted when I'm not ready or interested. This is all too evident to him by the looks on my face. I've tried before, but he knows and it defeats the whole thing! How do I either increase my interest in general or get my husband to be willing to try even if I'm not interested? He's correct in saying that his behavior towards me also turns me off. I'm trying to work on this, but sometimes I really feel like I'm being violated if I'm not "ready". Any suggestions? This is a huge problem for us because my husband is overly interested and I'm just the opposite. I avoid doing it myself because then it would be even longer until I'm ready to do it with him. Help!!!!!!

I forgot to say that he also says that I don't really love him because if I did then I would want to have sex with him more often and would be willing to please him even if I'm not interested. Back to him not wanting to do anything when I'm not interested even if i'm willing--what to do about this? What do you think about the love thing?

For those of you who have otherwise happy marriages but don't seemt o be interested in SF have any of you gone to doctors and had tests run to see if there is a hormone defiency?

If all else fails you can go to a good health food store and get herbs that can help.

Just a thought.

mp Here is a really good web sight that my husband found and sent to me.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/marriage/features/emotions.html

Have you asked your wife to masturbate you? Or does she also find this off limits to her?

Masturbation is something that does not harm you. I'm sure she would rather have you masturbating than screwing some other woman.

If she dislike so much, try doing it only when she is not at home. That way you won't get caught again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is a complicated question, how to increse desire and lower feelings of rejection.

My H and I have struggled with this for soooooo long.

In the beginning, when we were dating, we did it like rabbits.

Then, after marriage, it came out that my H had all these weird views about sex, like sex in marriage is only for procreation. He began refusing sex more and more often, and when we did do it, it was sterile and over with quickly.

I felt immensly hurt and rejected.

As a result, I wouldn't come on to him, and when we did make love, I was the "dead fish" kind of lover. I laid there, he worked. Which is weird, because I am a very sensual person (I have NO problems with oral sex, I have in fact been complimented on it many times).

Which turned him off even more.

Now, after a series of emotional affairs and one physical affair on his part, the truth came out.

My H has issues in his childhood that relate strongly to his sexuality. He has never been able to be truly intimate with anyone but me, and this is only just beginning.

We are only now learning that when we say no, we are not "rejecting" one another, but simply saying not now.

But this has been a long, hard struggle, and sometimes we still fight and cry instead of making love.

No answers here, except KEEP TRYING
EJ

I can understand the "not now" every now and then. But day after day, week after week, I guess it seems no longer acceptable.

BUT, things have improved immensely over the past year from say 5 years ago. Like I said, our marriage is now the best it has ever been...yet needs much more.

But, if last night was any indication of the immediate future, well, things might be looking very good indeed!

wink wink nudge nudge say no more

lol
EJ

mp,

Lack of interest can also be attributed to depression. Have you talked to your doctor?

For me personally, the longer I go without, the less I want it. So my h makes sure we're 'regular'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have to say that I use to be the same way about my husbands masturbation, but now I don't care because I came to realize that all my nagging about it and how I felt about it was pushing him away....closer to someone else.......I felt like he liked his hand more than me and it made me feel not worthy. All I can say is I hope your wife stops her nagging because I have come to relaize that men are all like that....not neccessarily because they want to be its just the sex drive they are put on this earth with and the need for men to masturbate just never goes away. A man can have sex 3 times a day but he will still need time by himself. I think it is a control thing and your wife has to relaize that it is better than cheating or confiding in someone else as my husband did.....I hope you can become open about it. My husband and I now ask eachother if we masturbated today and how was it........Good Luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fireandice:
<strong>No, masturbation isn't nearly as good as intimate loving intercourse. That's like comparing a bologna sandwich to a T-Bone steak dinner.

But if you're starving, bologna can look pretty good.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Continuing the analogy, for many men, we need to put on a song and dance production to get our W's "in the mood".

I would prefer the steak dinner 10 times out of 10. Sometimes, though, the effort and/or fear of rejection is just too much, so I settle for the sure thing.

Plus, for most guys, the steak is on the table for 2, maybe 3 meals a week. We're just more hungry than that.