Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 862
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 862
Its been 4 weeks now, since H moved out to move in with the OW, his future. Left me and the kids, has it all figured out, follow the counselors orders regarding introducing OW to the kids, stay amicable with me, work out a fair divorce, things will eventually blow over with his family, colleauges, friends etc.

I have been going through the typical roller coaster of emotions. Can't believe its happening, trying to stay strong for the kids, trying to take care of myself. H is terminally friendly, even affectionate. "I love you, I will always love you"

Today he gave me his "parenting" schedule for the next 3 months, based on our discussion with the counselor. Obviously he and OW sat down and figured out what they wanted for themselves. He is taking a week over Thanksgiving to take her on their first vacation together in San Francisco (where he and I just had a great vacation 6 months ago!) Nevermind about the kids first Thanksgiving away from their dad, that his family and I were hopeing to have a civil gathering with both parents present.

As I said, when I express how hard this is for me, I hear "yes, its hard for me too!", even though he goes home to his new love every night, the reason he left me. I get a pat on the head, a little hug, "yes, I know its hard for all of us, but we'll be fine, you me and the kids will get used to it.

The counselor/mediator/child pshycologist has told my H to start introducing OW into the picture next week, with a brief introductory lunch or ice cream date with the kids. Tells me privately that I must learn to deal with this as it looks like she is a "permanent fixure" and my H is totally determined that this relationship will last.

H is like a zombie, a Stepford soon-to-be-ex, husband. Affectionate and friendly to me and the kids, going home to OW and his new life.
The counselor told him he needs to grieve with his kids, tell them that it IS sad our family is breaking up, that he is sorry. But he is constantly the upbeat, happy "everything is going to be just fine" father/departed husband.
The last thing he is going to do is admit that this is a negative in anyone's life. He has seen me go through emotional hell due to his departure and obvious dedication to OW and their relationship, and yes, he sympathizes, yes, it sucks for him too, yes its very sad. But what I see is a man going through the motions because he has no empathy for the family he is devastating. Go home to the OW, his future, have a nice bottle of wine, rent a video, go to bed and don't think about what you have left behind. He is like a total stranger, ever positive, ever friendly, with just the right touch of compassion, but no real connection emotionally with what he is doing to us.

Counselor says the kids are deeply in denial, afraid to act sad or mad in fear of upseting the dad that they already are missing and afraid that what little time they have with him could be jeprodized if they rock the boat with any emotional negativity.

H sees me and says "you look great, looks like you've been working out, love your new look, your hair" If H pats me on the head one more time, with this crappy pseudo half baked affection for the wife of 16 years that he has just left for the younger OW, his soul mate, I think I am going to explode.

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: Everhopeful ]</small>

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
Hey, EverHopeful. Next time he comments on your looks, maybe you could say something like "Oh, thanks. You look good too. You have that filled out look content people have." Or something about how the increased grey looks sooo distinguished on him. Or ask if he's combing his hair a new way because you can't see the bald spot quite so much.

Personally, I wouldn't tell him anything about your feelings at all. Why give him the opportunity to tell you how hard it is for him too? As if! And why subject yourself to so much pain?

I also think you should look at the vacation in San Fran. as a blessing in disguise. It won't be a pleasant blessing, but the first holiday as a split family may help your children get out of denial.

Also, your kids won't be subjected to 2 Thanksgiving dinners. Granted I was old enough to say "NO." but I never did. I'm still doing both!

My mother worked really hard to build traditions for us. Since my dad was an absentee dad any way, it was easy to keep the traditions up.

One thing to work out on a permenant basis is Christmas (assuming you're christian). Christmas Eve at Dad's until X o'clock and then to Mom's through Christams day is the way we did it.

That way everythign was worked out and the kids could have traditions.

EH, your STBX is right about just one thing: YOU will be fine. Probably the kids too. HE is an entirely different story.

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 862
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 862
Thanks for this reply. Wish I could comment on the grey hair or bald spot, but unfortunately, my H is a hunk, no such luck with physical flaws (its the emotional flaws that are unattractive!)

YOu are right - better not to tell him anything about how this sucks - he will just say "for me too dear". BS - as he heads home to the waiting arms of OW. I guess I tell him because I WANT him to know that I'm not just walking off happily into the sunset like he is, that this really does hurt, and will for a long time. My C says I act too blaise, too matter of fact, about this whole situation, that I need to emote more.

C also pinpointed the fact that H is burying his guilt, his loss of family and as a full time dad, even his loss of our marriage, by constantly acting positive, no acknowledgement of anyone's pain unless it is directly pointed out to him. "Everyone will be just fine", now smile and lets enjoy the time we have together" is his deal with the kids.

I know its selfish, but its not so much Thanksgiving without him - we have taken vacations the last few years over TG holiday,and several times, never had a dinner, so not a huge tradition. The thing that is killing me is their first vacation together, to a place that H & I love, vacationed there earlier this year. Oh well, I can expect that he and OW will put their own mark, their own memories on to many places in the future that were special to us.

Thats life. I am begining to see that H either really is not empathetic to our pain, or chooses not to acknowledge it, because then he would have to admit he is doing a hurtful thing. Like the C told him - "this IS a sad thing that your family is breaking up. You need to cry with your kids, share the sadness with them, say that you are sorry that this is happening, even without taking blame. Just acknowledge that they should be sad, this is a sad thing, and yes, you feel sad about it too. H has never been able to empathize or "own" the pain he causes. Even when the kids were little and he would rough house or wrestle with them in a playful way, if someone got hurt do to his overdoing it, it would always be "oh come on, that doesn't hurt so much!" rather than a sincere "i'm sorry" with a little comforting.

I just want my kids to be OK emotionally, but unless they see that dad is a little sad, they are going to wonder about this whole situation and have a hard time grieving for the loss of our intact family.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 145 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5