Most of us in MB have experienced the phenomenon of affair fog, the inability of the WS to see things, especially the OP, for what they really are, due to the emotional romanticism and drama of the A, especially when they are faced with leaving the OP behind.

I realize that I am going through rejection fog - a similiar state. I am miserably missing my H, longing for his return, feeling like everything will be OK if he would just come home, everything would be right again.

But the realilty is that things weren't so right before he left, he treated me pretty badly in many ways, culminating with his total lack of regard and respect for me as he blantantly carried out the second stage of his A, and eventually left me for her. A one year A 5 years ago carried out with little effort to even hide it or protect my feelings. 4 years of an undercurrent of resentment and romanticized memory of the OW he had to give up. No qualms about hooking up with her again after those 4 years, if she was willing, and carrying out the last 4 months as if "well, you know how I feel about her, you should understand my behavior and why I am putting my desire to be with her over your hurt feelings". No concience about her leaving her H, his leaving his kids, hurting the loyal wife terribly, disapointed his extending family, friends and disturbing his co-workers and neighboors. This is the reality of what this man is.

So why am I so hurt, so longing for his return, thinking that everything would be OK if only he would change his mind? Its the rejection fog. I can't see the man clearly through the pain of the ultimate rejection, the inability to let go of the dream, the happy picture of our intact family and the good times, even with the undercurrent of unhappiness, that we shared as a couple and a family. Letting go of that idealized image of my marriage, and the hope that eventually, all the flaws would disappaer and he would finally love me the way I deserved to be love. Well guess what, after 14 years of trying to please him in hopes of that vision, he has dumped me quite thoroughly for OW. My brain is fogged with the pain of rejection, and longing for something that was more of a dream vision I focused on , rather than reality. Leaving me for OW should have burst that bubble for sure, and I just need to get through that fog
to help me see him for what he really is, and be free of the pain of missing him.

Everhopeful

Rejection Fog, BS Fog, what ever you want to call it, most of us BS's have probably had it. A or not, we think that what we had was good until we are on the outside looking back at what it realy was.

This is when we start to realize that there can be something better. At the very least, there is no more of the stress of making something work that wasn't going to.

Hang in there and think about what you are going to do to make you happy now.

WIWH

Wish I were home, Everhopeful--
I'm glad you're hopeful.
I do'nt know if you'd call this the same fog, but all I can think about lately is what I want in a husband and relationship... and the huge dsparity in what my husband and relationship are actually like. THat's been going on in my head for a long time, actually, since we got married 2 years ago. I figured it was good to keep it in mind so that I could be clear when I didn't like something.
Long story short- we spent the first 9 months in bliss, spent the next 2 years being cruel to each other, and have now spent the last 6 months trying to repair what we broke in that two years of meanness and drunken violence (on both our parts-- me more with words).
He's reubuilt himself, but we have not been able to rebuild us.
I don't know what else to say, what else can be done.
I feel nothing except a little discomfort at what comes next, at being in his company and making nice. But only a little.

He wants us to part amicably, and so I'll let us. But I don't consider him a true friend, and I scoff internally when he says he still cares about me. I see that he has cared about me in his own way, but... well, I guess those ways aren't in my language, you know? I feel more like he's someone I endured sitting next to on a long airplane ride. As if he bored me, and didn't notice he was doing it and just kept right on fullfilling his own agenda. Sure, I can shake this person's hand and wish them well, but I'll leave this marriage at baggage claims I think, without looking back and without reconsidering or thinking about him again.

So, until I move out and/or the divorce is finished, I want to get it all out so that I can do this.
Lucy

I may be a little premature, but I think this post was a bit of a break through for me. Not that I still don't have major melt downs, but everytime in the last couple of days that I have felt that longing, that deep pain, I remind myself of what this man has done to me, how he treated me with so little respect, and it does make it hurt less.

Wish I didn't have to see him though. The kids will neccessitate my seeing him forever, I guess.
I try to ignore his physical attractiveness, and concentrate on how uncompassionate he has been regarding my feelings, my life, his ability to say "the kids will get over it" and turn our lives upside down so he can be with OW. Yesterday I told him that this is the most selfish thing he has ever done in his life, and his reply was "well, I'm not the only person that has done this" (left the wife and kids to be with the OW). It really is as if he thinks this justifies it, because its not so uncommon in this world. My only reply was that "I am not just ANY woman, you admit that you still love and want me, and we didn't have just ANY marriage" meaning, no real problems until OW came into the picture.

But thats my defense mechanism, my fog kicking in again, because we had one of those marriages that when it was good, it was great, but when it was bad, it was terrible. Probably a 95% good to 5% bad, but he was very emotionally cruel at those bad times. So I guess I need to concentrate on those times and say that regardless of the good, no one should be treated with so little sensitivity and respect. The guy has major self esteem and is emotionally immature ( I have heard this now from 5 different counselors over the years) and I need to get over him and find someone who really loves me for me, and treats me the way I deserve to be treated.

Double post

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: Everhopeful ]</small>