As a wife....AND some day I hope to be one again...

I think if you don't make masturbation a dirty word and you share in masturbation with your husband then your husband doesn't have to feel shame for doing it. AND I don't buy for a minute that a woman has never masturbated...sorry.

I also think that good sex and openess can strenghten your marriage. If the wife doesn't see masturbation as a dirty word and he does it in front of her, I would doubt he'd feel the need to do it behind closed doors ever. Dito, for the wife as well...

How can you have strong marriages if people are going to be so uptight in bed???

I totally disagree with KaylaAndy although I still respect her view also.

Also, on the flip side, I don't agree with fantasizing about your neighbors or people you truly know either...that's just leading to trouble and cheating in your mind. I have a feeling this is what bothers your wife...more than the act itself.

There's my two cents...

ANNA

<small>[ August 25, 2002, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

<small>[ August 25, 2002, 08:55 AM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

whoopsie! I've been here a year and still don't know what I am doing....hehe...

<small>[ August 25, 2002, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

This is too all the women who have something wrong with men masturbating. Men are very different than women it isn't just a sexual act it releases tension and you feel so much better when you are finished. Also do you really think that men would rather masturbate than have the real thing. OF COURSE NOT!!! So if women satisified their men this would not happen as often. It is a completely natural act. All men do it and if they say they don't they do something else...LIE AND CHEAT!!! And if he is thinking about his wife then there is no problem and she ought to feel flattered. Hey I am seperated and that is the only way to get it out without cheating.

I used to have to make an appointment with my xh to have sex. Then I still had to be the initiator while he laid there.

Then, in the midst of saying he wanted a divorce, he told me he had not liked having sex with me and asked if I ever wondered why he spent so long in the shower. That was where he was getting his jollies.

So, if I ever have the joy of marrying again, I will truly be upset if the man spends much time masturbating. Release or no release, it better be me he finds more pleasurable than his own hand-jobs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong>he told me he had not liked having sex with me and asked if I ever wondered why he spent so long in the shower. That was where he was getting his jollies. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That sounds like something said to intentionally hurt you.

It sounds like a woman telling her STBX that she's leaving because he's terrible in bed, or because he has a little [censored].

It's probably not true, just a verbal attack.

Cinderella,

I agree with Slappy that the statement was meant to hurt you. I'd even take that a step further and say it was also meant to make him feel better. When people have certain "inadequacies" they like to blame others. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if your ex had problems having sex with ALL women. I would also bet that if you were to ask his new wife/gf if she has to initiate sex, the answer would be a definite "yes!".

Take care,

ANNA

I do believe his words were planned to hurt me. I also believe he fantasized about a number of women - he had at least 2 EAs - while enjoying himself.

It took 18 months or so in SAnon to realized that his problems were his problems. That this problem in our marriage was not caused by my shortcomings. How many men would act like it was a problem to deal with a woman who would fix a fruit/cheese tray complete with a bottle of wine and candles and appropriate attire?

So, in the future, if there is another permanent man in my life, he better understand my problem with masturbation.

And I do wonder what sort of sex life his new w enjoys. If you can enjoy sex with a man who looks 9-months pregnant.

<small>[ September 02, 2002, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

How about this situation? Would you call this typical male masterbation? My husband likes to use gigantic dildos while watching porn while wearing my bras, slips, and hose. I'm sure he would like to take his fantasies one step further outside the house. He's already had a mlc looking for a girlfriend outside the marriage and he likes to look at yahoo personals for entertainment. You can see how these things keep escalating. It doesn't exactly make me happy, he does this 2 maybe 3 times a week and I'm not sure if I'm going to take it much longer. If this is too graphic, let me know and I'll try to delete it.

Hello,

I'm a new to the boards and this topic caught my attention because I 'caught' my husband masturbating recently. Actually, I heard him in the bathroom as I was walking past. The issue with me is that I became open with him about my own masturbating. I was raised the good Catholic girl and always felt guilty, but when he would ask me, even persist I tell him, my guilt melted away. He really like to know when and how I would do this...I even showed him ; )....

Anyways, when I would ask if he masturbated he would deny..deny..deny..for years! I told him that I must be 'odd' because I like to masturbate and sometimes ya just need that quick release! He still would never share his sexuality openly with me. When I happened to overhear him I felt betrayed...almost like he had this dirty little secret he was keeping from me. I shared so many things with him...embarrassing things...things I fantasized about and such, and I felt he was being completely selfish.

We are working through it. There is only one thing I did tell him though....that if I felt neglected sexually and if I didn't feel 'taken care of' in the physical department then there would be a problem...the same goes for him. There is nothing wrong with masturbating as long as both partners feel fulfilled. As a matter of fact...it can really enhance pleasure. We are not mind readers on what pleases our partners. Just my own thoughts.

kara

Newsflash: In a previous relationship of 6 years, I was the one "releasing" on a regular basis. My spouse then was more committed to drugs than our relationship. For me that also kept me from having other men on the side. So I can relate on a surface level. My h now is very open sexually and there is no boredom in our bedroom. I have learned that it depends on the person.
ymon33@hotmail.com

I was surfing through and this topic caught my attention so I though I throw my two cents in.

I'm not sure when I started masturbating during my marriage. Sex between x and I was a problme soon after we got married. We even went to a sex counselor soon after we were married and they told us neither one liked sex so we were probably evenly matched.

Slowly our sex life deteriorated, my x allegedly had problems with her period, not regular and painful and sex was painful.

Me, on the otherhand, had quick ejactulations, so the event was over pretty quick.

X didn't like oral, either way, and should would do me manually, but it was like a chore for her and took the fun out of it for me.

So for me masturbation was a release of tension, helped me sleep at night and relaxed me. My x never knew to my knowledge.

During business trips, I started stopping at adult bookstores and would stay an hour and then
would go back to the hotel and masturbate.I did this for about a year, probably 8 yrs ago. I finally started worrying about getting caught at a bookstore(not that I was doing anything illegal) so I stopped.

Meanwhile sex went downhill further. It was about once a month. Add to the problem my poor communication skills and we never discussed how disatisfied I was. ABout 4 yeats ago we had sex about once every six weeks. I got conditioned that if I didn't see a glass of wine in her hand, I knew better than to start anything. She had to be drinking to have sex.

Anyway, x has affair, during reconciliation counseling she tells counselor she could have sex with anyone after drinking and also tells me I am bad in bed( really wants a guy to reconcile!).

Anyway reconciliation failed and we are divorced.

Flash forward to today. I have been in two relationships since the divorce were sex was involved. I was so nervous the first time as I was believing my x plus my history of "quickness."

Well lo and behold, I was fine. I was even able to give the woman an O.

I am now involved in a long term relationship and the sex is great. It is a long distance relationship so we only see each other about every two weeks.

But I've noticed, I am sexually fulfilled and don't feel the need to masturbate.

So in my experince it had to do with sexual fulfillment more than anything. I actually enjoy sex now. For a long time I wondered what the fuss was.

What a topic!!! Masturbation, choking the chicken, pulling the pud...Guess some come from a long line of pud pullers...LOL Enough of my humor.

For me, and only me if the choice was masturbation or sex in one of its many forms with my wife, the answer is always with my wife. She is really talented in a number of SF areas and her willingness to please is second to none. However, if she is not available, it is mine after all...LOL

I agree with Anna, there is nothing wrong with masturbation as long as it doesn't interfere with the relationship. In fact, my W and I were always open about our masturbation. It actually turned us both on to talk about it to eachother. I had the same problem as RWD about "early release", and found that if I did mast. when I knew we were going to have SF, I was able to work longer, so it actually enhanced our sex life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wow. What an interesting thread this is. I'm gonna add my .02 here.

My husbands sexual needs are much more powerful than mine. We have sex almost daily and sometimes twice (or more) a day. He still "needs" more. At 47 he has the sex drive of a 16 year old. So, he masturbates. No problem to me. I know it's not taking him away from me. OW did that. I also know that when he masturbates he is fantasizing about me. He has told me this and I believe him. He loves it if I just come in and watch.

OK, it doesn't really turn me on to watch, but if it makes him happy, why not? I'll even lend a hand frequently (pun intended - hey what's the point if you can't laugh). He's my H. I love him dearly. I know his need is stronger than mine. This makes both of us happy. We still have an extremely active and satisfying sex life.

And yes, I masturbate too. Something he introduced me to and for which I will always be grateful. He gets totally turned on watching me and it comes in handy (giggle) when one or the other of us is traveling, sick, whatever.

My advice would be to try to talk to your wife gently about your need to masturbate. Reassure her that it is taking nothing from her, as this seems to be a big issue judging from the posts here. The issue of whether or not masturbation is a sin is something I won't touch. A persons religous views are very personal and very difficult to change.

Good luck to you.

What the heck...here's my thoughts...

I do see the point of those who state masturbating robs a relationship, provided both partners are interested or physicially capable of sex. The only issue I'd present to said people is where the spouse is unable or has diminished libido due to medical reasons. For example, my wife has Lupus which amongst its many symptoms, often robs her of libido. When faced with that dilemma, I believe masturbation is an acceptable sexual outlet. If I remember correctly, even the great C.S. Lewis referred to masturbation as a grey area. His wife, as we know, died of cancer. It certainly is much more acceptable than a physical affair.

When she is feeling good (which anymore is rare), one thing we love to do for each other is masturbate for the other's "viewing pleasure". In this context, I feel it is a love builder.

OK, I'm a couple weeks late on this but I'm amazed at how many people think so badly of masturbation. Pretty much every sex therapist says it's a healthy part of a good relationship. I think a man masturbating is a tremendous turn-on and am really astonished at how many people don't.

Oh well, different strokes for different folks, I guess <weg>.

WOW! I'm rather late joining in on this also but here it goes. It was a big turn on for me to watch X masturbate but I rarely got a show. It was more for his release when I was not interested (post-children) and it never bothered me. But in the pre-baby days, we'd spice up a long car drive by giving each other hand jobs or I'd "hum him a tune." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> For me, it was all about enjoying HIM as a sexual human being, even when I couldn't be comfortable enough with myself to be there with him.

Ah, memories...
I miss him.

Mrs. Debra,
I empathize with you. We are both in the same boat. Here is my dilema, it was two days ago, that i left my boyfriend, (we are commonm-law)I am back now. I had told him beofre that his looking and watching porn hurts me. It is damaged our relationship. He got rid of his cd collection, (downloaded porn movies) he has cut all of them in half, because he doesn't want to lose me to his addiction, but it was so bad, he would stay up late at night, wait for me to go to bed, then he would watch porn! Then I would ask him about it, and he would deny it! I'm no fool, I know what he taped on the vcr. It has caused him to be deceitful to me, porn belittles me, and the importance of intamacy in our relationship. It robes us of those things. To all the men who say it does not affect your relationship, that's it's "animal instinct" just think of how much it hurts for a women like me, who has a very strong sex drive, to lie in bed, and wait for my man to come in, only when he does, he puts his arm around me, and falls asleep! I don't even want him to touch me, after he has looked at all those women...there is no excuse, because i am sexually available to him, 24/7!!! So, porn is addictive, and it can lead to the destruction of a relationship. "you can't go swimming, and not get wet, you can't play with fire, and not get burned"Cut the crap about statistics, it comes down to self control, and respect for the partner you are with. Porn affects people, it gets embedded in their minds, and soon "regular porn" isn't good enough, so they move on to worse things.(beastiality, scat, BDSM,) I hate the world, how else can they twist, and damage a healthy relationship?? They always try to suceed, just watch TV, they have desensitized us to infidelity, they are trying to program us to think that "men just can't help themselves" I will not be passive, I will not hurt any longer, saving myself and being healthy is worth more then hurting on the inside, and feeling sick about it just to "save" my relationship and looking away from what he is doing. He not only hurts me, he is missing out on what sex was intended for. I have come back to help him with this, i will stand by him, but if there are no changes, then I will know in his heart, he is not commited to change, and the relationship is not as important to him as it is to me.
W_winds

Hello again,
i just wanted to clairify, I don't mind my boyfriend masterbating, heck, I'd do it with him! I have no problem, or am not inhibited in the bedroom, (or any where else in the house for that matter!) *evil grin* Just not while watching porn, there are so many reasons! The fact that he is supporting prostitution for one thing, should make a woman stop and think anytime! *The act or practice of engaging in sex acts for hire.
The act or an instance of offering or devoting one's talent to an unworthy use or cause.* That is the dictionary's meaning, not my own. :)If one is paying to watch porn then, you are supporting it.
W_winds