Love my daughter, but right now she's driving me crazy!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

She does not understand (or chooses not to understand) that now that I am not with her father, I am also living on a LOT less money. She still expects me to just hand out the dough. She's friendly when I'm giving her what she wants, but if I don't, ooohhhh watch out! The ugly yelling stuff spews forth from her!

I know this sounds trivial, but I've given her $14 so far this week for just junk and fun. I buy her groceries, her clothes, etc. The only thing she needs money for is recreation with her friends. Okay, I've been a little shorter than normal lately because XH's child support for half of October bounced and I have only received 1/2 of November.

Doesn't matter to her. She needs $20 for a show tomorrow. "It's all I'll need Mom", she says. Of course, when I gave her the $6 a couple nights ago, I heard, "But mom, if you'll give me $6 now, I only need $5 on Friday to get in to the show!".

We went from $5 to $20. She does nothing around the house to earn it, but if I tell her to do stuff and maybe I'll give her $, she says that gives her no incentive and that she'll either ask her dad for it (which she can't right now--he's in Paris), or she'll steal it (and I think she means from me, so I carry zero cash now which makes it really difficult to get lunch or anything, and forget the occasional morning java at a coffee place.)

When I told her I didn't have $20 to give her, she reminded me that I DO have enough $ to get my nails done every 2 weeks. The guilt hit me like a brick. I should give up the nails, I know, but they're something that makes me feel good (they're fake--my natural nails are flimsy and break and I have to keep them cut off). So I'm trying to decide if the nails are a selfish thing and if I'm being unfair to my daughter. Seems all the other teens parents give out a LOT of $ around these parts. But I've already given up a lot of lunches out, my coffees, etc, and I feel resentful if I have to keep giving, considering I do work a full-time job. But am I being selfish and setting a bad example with nails of all things? They're a luxury, not a necessity.

(Oh, and she reminded me that I also have my hair colored. But that IS a necessity!)

Then she said, "Don't I deserve at least $20 of my child support??" She hits that child support button a LOT. And she plays it against me with XH and OW--tells them I won't give her any money, and I've caught heck from OW a few times for how I use it. You'd think that child support was the only thing I had to live in (in fact, it is approx. 10% of my monthly total take-home income).

Tried to explain, child support is for paying for the roof over her head, utilities, the cell phone I've now given to her that was mine, food, clothes, etc, and not necessarily for recreation. She doesn't buy it.

I'm struggling because I just keep giving and giving, and yet I feel that by holding on to my hair and nail money instead of sharing with her, I'm being selfish. I could cut out a fair amount if I gave both those items up. But I don't want to.

I'm confusing myself. Help? Boundaries?

LL

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 01:39 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Dear LL,

Please realize, you do not owe her an explanation or anything else. In my opinion, you are doing the wrong thing in giving in to her. LL, it is time you stopped letting this little girl run over you.

No, there is nothing wrong with getting your hair & nails done. If your daughter wants more money, tell her to get a job! If other parents give their kids more money, too bad!!

As to her comment about child support, I think that deserved a swift kick in the bottom!! (figuratively only, of course). What I would say is that after that comment, she is not going anywhere, then ask if she has anything else to say.

Also, as I told you before, do not count on child support. I am an attorney, I have practiced some family law, and I can tell you that every person who has ever counted on child support for regular expenses has had problems. Either the check bounced, or it was lost, or the employer did not withhold it, etc. Eventually, you might get it back, but it will take a while.

Yes, I know that she was diagnosed with ODD, I have read about it in the DSMIV, and I know what it says. But you may be interested in knowing that the treatment is to withhold privileges if the child is defiant. So far, you seem to be rewarding her by giving in when she acts this way.

Prior to law school, I obtained a Masters in counseling, so I do have some training in this area. In one of my classes, a student raised her hand and said that a "friend" had a daughter who told her parents that if they did not give in to her that she would call Child Protective Services. The student asked for advice to give her friend. The professor, a well respected PhD level counselor and psychologist said to tell the daughter to go ahead. If CPS were to remove the child from the home, she would be put into the foster care system. There, she could find out how much fun it would be and the child would want to return home as soon as possible.

So, after that long soliliquy, here is my advice: Tell your daughter, "I know that it is difficult with your brother and your dad gone. I am not the perfect parent, but there are rules in this house. If you are going to live here, you will live by them. You will receive $20 per week to spend as you wish, but that is it. If you ask for more, the answer will be no. Until you support me, it is absolutely none of your business how I spend my money, and I resent your rude comments about my hair and nails. If you want to go live with your dad, I understand. But your attitude and abuse is not something that I will tolerate ever again. However, I do need to know so I can make other living arrangements."

Please realize that after you say this, she will probably leave & go live with her dad. However, she will probably have trouble there too. I do think that she needs to experience the full consequences of her actions. LL, you seem to be a sweet lady, but too sweet for yours and your daughter's own good.

Please forgive me if I seem harsh, but I just hate for her to take advantage of you with all the junk you have been through. I am pretty much a softie when it comes to my daughters too.

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:04 AM: Message edited by: IsIt2late ]</small>

If she threatens to call her dad--let her--if he and OW want to fight for custody (I doubt they would as they couldn't go to Paris and other places then) as they would have a child to care for--Nope--I don't see THAT happening--

Set down the rules--Get the book's Tough Love, Dare to Discipline, and Boundaries---and use the examples from those--

And I'm sorry, but ODD is just another word for Selfishness and Disobience to Parents---and what does the Bible say about that?? It's a SIN---so this is a SIN PROBLEM not a Psych problem--

Granted Her ADHD may be a medical problem--but the other is NOT!! And it needs to be treated as--

Can you get support from Anyone in your churches Youth Department or from Your pastor on dealing with this??

How old is she?

She does nothing around the house to earn it,
Then don’t give it.

Seems all the other teens parents give out a LOT of $ around these parts.
So? You are not “most parents”. You are the parent of your daughter.

I've caught heck from OW a few times for how I use it.
CLICK! (goes the phone.) Why are you discussing ANYTHNG with her?

the cell phone I've now given to her that was mine,
Tell her you will give her $30 a month and she will give you back the cell phone.

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Dear LL:

it seems the problem with your daughter is still very acute and making your life unhappy.

Isit2late is giving you excellent advice.

There is the reward/punishment option for you: Tell your daughter the new rules that are in effect as of Dec 3: She gets 20$ per week. There are subtractions for bad behavior such as yelling at mom minus $5. You'll be surprised how soon she'll shut up.

What do you mean, she took your phone and she won't give it back. There is no food and no money for her until she gives it back. Or you report the theft (because this is one) to her probation officer.

Listen LL: You are thinking you are doing your daughter good, because you love her. But you are wrong. By tolerating her outrageous behavior it will just get worse. You are NOT teaching her what it takes to succeed in life: self-discipline and responsibility.

She threatens to move in with her father. Tell her: There is the door, don't let it hit you on the way out. OW and dad will be thrilled to have this lovely addition to their family.

LL, if you do not change your parenting style, your daughter will slide deeper and deeper. The next time she will really get pregnant. What do you mean she wants no birth control. Is she that stupid? For her the only acceptable solution would be a three month injection. I have seen teenagers like her and they NEVER even remember to take the pill daily.

She is at risk for AIDS and other STDs. She is at a very great risk for drug abuse. You need to get control back. Be tough. She'll start a rebellion. Sit it out. You are the one who has the money in your house. You pay for her food. You arrange for her transportation.

She does not want to live by your rules. Report her. That is the best thing you can do to get some sense back into her messed up head. Let her experience the consequences of her actions. Show her that she can loose your love if she abuses you. Stop being a doormat.

Sorry to be so blunt, but tough love is the greatest love you can give her. Otherwise you will just be running around in circles, miserable and she'll continue to spiral down.

IsIt2Late,

Right now, I AM counting on child support, because I don't have my budget in line to survive without it. But...if it did indeed go away, my fixed expenses are below what my income alone is, so I could give up things (hair, nails, all remaining lunches out, $ I'm contributing to son's college which isn't much, and in an emergency..cut my contributions back to my church temporarily) and I could make it on my income. I could NOT make it if the state got involved and took my daughter and not only did I lose XH's child support but in addition had to pay the state child support myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You will receive $20 per week to spend as you wish, but that is it. If you ask for more, the answer will be no. Until you support me, it is absolutely none of your business how I spend my money </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although my budget for her rec is more like $10/week, we don't have a set schedule. I like the idea. I may try it.

TR,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ODD is just another word for Selfishness and Disobience to Parents </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While the psych specialists might disagree, I tend to agree with you, though I think has it's roots with her in her ADHD.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you get support from Anyone in your churches Youth Department or from Your pastor on dealing with this?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pastors have no ideas for me, except to pray for her or to seek therapy. Love my church, but very small. No actual youth department for teens, (nor do I think it would help). She refuses to go to church--wants nothing to do with it at all. Haven't been able to get her there in a couple years now.

Chris,

I'm letting her keep the phone. Found that being without my phone is easier on my brain than her being out past curfew and me having no way to get ahold of her. (And no, I can't stop her from going out because she leaves with friends before I get home from work.)

However, I may use having the phone as my reason to limit the $ she gets, because in actuality, my monthly bill for it is nearer $50.

Why do I talk to the OW and let her rail on me? I don't know. Why have I made so many other screw ups in my life? Stupidity? Lack of boundaries?

As for her age - she turned 15 in August.

LL

Iceprincess,

Yes--still problems, though they are not constant like they were this spring and summer. They tend to come more in spurts now. We may have a good week with no curfew-breaking, her acting considerate, etc., and then things will blow up again--generally because I won't give her $.

I do like your idea of subtracting $ from what she gets each time she yells or shows lack of respect. May have to add that to my earlier idea.

Oh, and as for the earlier job suggestion...I've suggested this over and over to her. I know it will tie up my evenings and weekends because I will have to transport her just like I did my son when he first started with McD's. But it did him good, and I think it would her, too. Just that I can't MAKE her get one.

I know I could let the state take a crack at her, but the experience I've see from kids who go through the state system is NOT good. Her cousin was in a group home for almost 2 years. Got out this year. Got pregnant and just had an abortion. She's my daughter's age. So it did her no good. Just hardened her to life in general.

I want to keep my daughter in my home. Her doctor isn't fond of the BC shots because they can cause a lot of weight gain and some other bad side effects. Also, I've know two people personally who got pregnant while taking them. I'd actually lean toward the nuvaring because you only have to remember it once a month. But she wants nothing to do with any of it. Says she's not going to have sex again for a long time. Yeah, right...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OW and dad will be thrilled to have this lovely addition to their family </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I actually think they might...initially, because she'd become babysitter for OW's 2-yr-old and the could gain more freedom. But I think they would quickly tire of her mess and her disrespect for rules.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She does not want to live by your rules. Report her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I walk a fine line here. If I report her, it might scare her or the state might step in and take her and put her in a group home. I don't want that--at all! And I'm fairly convinced she'd run from there. Her aforementioned cousin did it twice--scared her family to death--and my daughter knows how she got away with it and could repeat the act.

LL

Welcome to the party.
Two girls, 19 & 13 (14 in 3 weeks). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> IsIt2Late,

Right now, I AM counting on child support, because I don't have my budget in line to survive without it. But...if it did indeed go away, my fixed expenses are below what my income alone is, so I could give up things (hair, nails, all remaining lunches out, $ I'm contributing to son's college which isn't much, and in an emergency..cut my contributions back to my church temporarily) and I could make it on my income. I could NOT make it if the state got involved and took my daughter and not only did I lose XH's child support but in addition had to pay the state child support myself.
LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, all I can do is to advise you to begin making plans to reduce your living expenses. LL, please realize that if your H has not already done so, in the near future he & OW will begin discussing how they could save his child support, get child support from you, and have a live in babysitter. I have seen it happen so many time that it is scary. All they would have to do is to spend some time with your daughter, get her to start complaining about you, then tell her that they would never treat her like that.

At your daughter's age, a judge would likely give great weight to her preference. Hopefully, this will not happen, but if it does, please tell your daughter to try it for a while before your ex goes to court to modify custody.

Anyway, here is some personal advice from a Christian perspective: I have absolutely no idea of the purpose of this situation, but I do know that God has promised that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.

So someday, sometime, when you have come through all this, you will look back and realize that what you have learned in this experience has equipped you to be Godly woman you want to be.

ADHD and ODD often go hand in hand. Not always. But often.

I have a son with them.

This is a great opportunity, a teachable moment as they call it, for you and your daughter.

This is an opportunity for you to teach her how to make choices...

While at work, lay out a budget...to make sure this works.

List out the household expenses and list out the part that child support plays into this.

Lay out a budget for her and "her" child support. Allot a certain amount towards the mortgage, food, clothing, cell phone, cable/satellite, and recereation (and whatever else she uses).

Talk over the budge with her and let her know you have separated the money into categories, the mortgage, food, cell phone, cable/satellite cannot be changed (unless she wants to give up her cell phone) but the other categories can be changed, if she wants to give up getting new clothes for a month... she will have an allotment for recereation...once it is used up..then it is GONE.

This is an opportunity to teach her how to manage money...something you are VERY good at, and can pass along to her. You get your hair and nails done...so what...you work...

You can also let her know she can supplement her income by working too.

Post the budget somewhere...so she feels in control of it. I'm willing to bet child support will not even cover her recereation expenses...

Haven't postd to this thread in a while, but am reviving it now...

My daughter seems to be taking a major tumble again. She's disobeying curfews (mostly weekend ones, but last night was a school night and she didn't arrive home until well after midnight--curfew is 10:30pm), she's slipping in school and risking earning no credits this quarter (and this is an alternative school--there is NO HOMEWORK), she looks awful and is physically sick--strep maybe--and is running herself into the ground, and last night she had taken so many throat lozenges and other meds to try and feel better that they made her sick to her stomach and she woke up and threw up in her bed.

I also see cuts on the upper sides of one of her forearms again...that hasn't happened in months. I tried to talk with her about them this morning and she got angry as usual, and finally said something about frustrations and school and that maybe that's why she's angry and cutting.

I think she's let herself get so far behind on things that she's just giving up, and cutting is her way of punishing herself. Maybe I'll all wet.

So, I'm driving myself nuts today because I hurt for her because I know she hurts (no matter what a little monster she may be in others' eyes).

I've done research and am now wondering if I should try and put her in a private "behavior modification" boarding school. The only way I could do it would be to take out a loan for 15 years, pay $300/month (which would mean no new car for 15 years, and mine has almost 100K on it now), or try and pay down the loan somewhat by cashing in about 1/2 of my retirement moneys (what is more important right now--my savings for retirement, or my child?).

I won't let the state get their hands on her if I can help it. Just got more word last night of how her cousin is doing (or not doing) after being in a state group home for 2 years. The state doesn't care about teaching my daughter permanent coping skills and accountability. They just want to make sure she's physically safe until she's 18, and then they dump 'em out on the streets and a good share end up in trouble with the law as adults.

I want the best for my daughter, but am torn. Do I give up everything in my life (car, savings, retirement) to give my daughter a shot. (Average cost of one of these schools is just under $40,000/yr). Or do I be selfish and say "nope, it's all about ME now. I deserve these things, I'm done helping you."

(And then if I would help her...what about the son who has worked hard and now will be taking out all sorts of loans to get through college, because with the DV, we can't afford to pay his way? How is it fair to spend $40K on my daughter and tell my son to go fly a kite? Shouldn't I be giving him an equal amount?)

Confused, confused, confused.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want the best for my daughter, but am torn. Do I give up everything in my life (car, savings, retirement) to give my daughter a shot. (Average cost of one of these schools is just under $40,000/yr). Or do I be selfish and say "nope, it's all about ME now. I deserve these things, I'm done helping you." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well LL, I feel really bad about the 2x4 I gave you last week, but I really think you have some distorted thinking. You seem to be thinking that there are two extremes: 1) Spend all of your money on your daughter for a behavior modification school, or 2) Selfishly keep all of your resources for yourself.

So far, I have seen you doing everything you can for this girl and giving her every chance, and all she seems to do is just keep throwing it back in your face. I know that it sounds bad to think of her becoming a ward of the state because all they do is keep the kids safe until they turn 18. But think about this, are you even keeping her safe now?

She stays out all hours of the night, she steals from you, she refuses to return your stolen cell phone, she has unprotected sex, she drinks alcohol, she refuses to do good in school, she cuts herself, and we really don't know if this is all. I have to tell you, this little girl is in extreme danger right now.

As to coping or accountability skills, what is she really learning? She is learning that she can get kicked out of school, and her mom will find her one that is 1/2 day and has no homework. She can steal her mom's phone with no consequences. She can steal and ruin her mom's clothes and nothing happens. She can screw her boyfriend all she wants, because all her mom will do is try to get her on birth control. And if her mom gets really fed up, she can make some cuts in her arm and her mom will back off immediately.

In my opinion, she is screaming for someone to give her some limits, because she has absolutely none. This little girl knows in her heart that she does not have the judgment to be making these decisions and she is just waiting for someone to say, "You have gone too far!" No, she is not a monster, but her behavior is monstrous.

LL, I know you think it would be horrible, but there are group homes that might be appropriate for her. Have you asked your minister if there are any children's homes that might take her? I know you love your daughter, but you are not helping her by enabling her behavior. I assure you, if she was placed in a state group home, she would immediately learn limits, and my guess is that she would realize very quickly that living at home with mom is not so bad after all.

As to your son, what would you be teaching him if you borrowed from your retirement or went into debt to help his sister? He would learn that working hard, going to school, and paying his own way gets absolutely no recognition, but being defiant, irresponsible, and hateful gets lots of attention and you no longer have to try anymore.

Both of these kids need to learn that there are consequences to your actions. If your son pays his own way through college, and learns to work hard, he will put a great deal of value on his education. If your daughter learns that living with a loving mother is a privilege that can be lost, she will put greater value on it.

LL, you are a wonderful lady and a loving mother. Your H took advantage of you, have you learned from that? You don't deserve to be victimized again.

I guess I gave you another 2x4, but it just hurts to see you in such pain.

(((LL)))

“””She's disobeying curfews (mostly weekend ones, but last night was a school night and she didn't arrive home until well after midnight--curfew is 10:30pm)”””

I’m curious, is there any consequence for her missing curfew?

“””she's slipping in school and risking earning no credits this quarter (and this is an alternative school--there is NO HOMEWORK)”””

Have you met with her and the school counselor?

“””she looks awful and is physically sick--strep maybe--and is running herself into the ground”””

This with all the other behaviors is the one that scares me. I know you’ve adimately stated you don’t think she’s on drugs but everything you’ve described including this are very typical behaviors and signs.

“””I also see cuts on the upper sides of one of her forearms again...that hasn't happened in months.”””

I forgot, is she in therapy? I’ve met a lot of young girls who cut. I’ve had several conversations with them as to the how’s and why’s. One girl told me she did some research on it and found that a large majority of “cutters” have suffered from some type of abuse (either physical or sexual). She further went on to say that many times it’s something that the parents don’t know about. Cutting, like drugs and alcohol provides them with a release from the pain of their minds.

“””I think she's let herself get so far behind on things that she's just giving up”””

So what’s the plan for getting her caught back up?

“””So, I'm driving myself nuts today because I hurt for her because I know she hurts (no matter what a little monster she may be in others' eyes).”””

Awwww LL, she’s not a monster and don’t believe anyone who tells you that. She’s simply lost. I went through treatment with many of these 15-19yo “monsters” who once found a way to live life on life’s terms are truly sweet little girls who’ve lost their innocence, usually not be their own choice.

”””I want the best for my daughter, but am torn.”””

I know you do and I’m sure that even up there in Iowaville there are resources available to you to get her help. Find it LL, don’t you dare give up before the miracle happens.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As to coping or accountability skills, what is she really learning? She is learning that she can get kicked out of school, and her mom will find her one that is 1/2 day and has no homework. She can steal her mom's phone with no consequences. She can steal and ruin her mom's clothes and nothing happens. She can screw her boyfriend all she wants, because all her mom will do is try to get her on birth control. And if her mom gets really fed up, she can make some cuts in her arm and her mom will back off immediately.

.... she is screaming for someone to give her some limits, because she has absolutely none. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to agree. Your D is screaming not just for limits and boundaries but for attention. And the escalation of her behavior indicates she doesn't feel she is being heard or taken seriously.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> LL, I know you think it would be horrible, but there are group homes that might be appropriate for her.

Have you asked your minister if there are any children's homes that might take her? I know you love your daughter, but you are not helping her by enabling her behavior. I assure you, if she was placed in a state group home, she would immediately learn limits, and my guess is that she would realize very quickly that living at home with mom is not so bad after all.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is one option, but I suspect she is already feeling abandoned by your spouse and her father. Sending her away to behavior modification or a group home would only add to the abandoment hurt and pain she is already experiencing. IMHO, I would would only consider these choices as a last resort when all else has failed.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want the best for my daughter, but am torn. Do I give up everything in my life (car, savings, retirement) to give my daughter a shot. (Average cost of one of these schools is just under $40,000/yr). Or do I be selfish and say "nope, it's all about ME now. I deserve these things, I'm done helping you." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No and No. Have you considered taking some time off work and both of you working with an IC? At the place where you're daughter is at now, (hurting herself) she needs more than limits and consequences.

FMLA, the Family Leave and Medical Act is federal legislation that provides time off from work for problems such as this. If you're considering spending $40K on a private school, this would be a far less expensive an alternative. Plus it would give you and D the time together to work through both of your issues together.

Good Luck!

Please forgive me for not reading all the responses (and most likely I am repeating some advice)..but here goes.

I have 3 children. Two were teens when the divorce hit, now the youngest is 16.

I had the "you owe me" crap laid on me and the "you get child support" blah blah blah ad naseum.

What I did was list EVERYTHING that costs money to LIVE. Housing, utilities, cable, gas for the car, hot dog days at school, school fees (divided into 12 for the year), groceries (including feminine products) EVERYTHING. Then I listed the total amount of INCOMING $'s. I divided that total number by 4 (me, plus 3 kids) and then compared it to the INCOMING monies (divided by 4). We had a master budget. I don't believe in not talking to the kids about money or how much. The kids know exactly WHAT we have coming in and how much is going out. The months I get nothing, those figures change and they are the ones that help to budget so that we can make ends meet.

No longer do I get the "you owe me", it's more like them sacrificing things. Amazing I tell you. As a result they are turning into fine young adults who CAN handle their money wisely.

I had the conversations with my kids insisting that if they didn't have BRAND X, they would report me to child services. I invited them to call. I also said I would be more than happy to serve them macaroni and cheese for dinner every night, buy rabbit ears for the television, buy them a bus pass (for transportation) and purchase all their clothing from the Salvation Army -- after all, I am providing them with EVERYTHING they need -- FOOD, SHELTER and CLOTHING. They got the point in a hurry.

Now -- I do pay extra because they have earned it. If they want anything special (name brand gear) they make their own sacrifices and do without the movie or earn extra money themselves.

Teens are very hard to deal with IF YOU LET THEM intimidate you. My kids tried the "You are too strict," or "So and So's Mom lets them (or buys them" -- my response was----> "I'm not so and so's mom and I care enough and love you enough to set boundaries in my home." I was open for negotiation (i.e. a party that wasn't planned and they spent their allowance, they would negotiate to be allowed to participate, but then would have to sacrifice next weeks allowance). Many times it had to be in WRITING. Allowances were SIGNED for (the youngest was famous for "You NEVER paid me allowance this week" -- hee hee...until she had to start sighing MY daily agenda when I paid her). Takes consistency and PERSISTENCE!

oh yes...and before I forget:

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

book ---> How to Deal With your Out of Control Teen -- (forgot the author -- but deals with everything from drugs, sex, abuse, yelling, screaming, disrespect, money, bad friends etc.)

Lordlady---is struggle really the word? Teens, and our young adult!!! I feel for you!!! Peel us off the ceilings! Let go shopping!

I am sending you a card just for you!

Love sky!

http://www.angelhugs.org/HuggsBug.html

Just couldn't resist sending you this card- soooo fitting of you! Shine on!!!

Sky

http://www.angelhugs.org/ThatsWhy.html