Am I nuts? Yes, I've accepted an invitation to to attend my ex-inlaws big family Christmas (actually held on the 26th).

Each year, they gather the whole family which now includes 13 grandchildren (the 2 in Florida don't come back) for a big turkey dinner and one of those "draw a number and take the gift or exchange with someone else" gift exchanges, and of course lots of chatting and picture-taking. It's a good drive for us, but is usually a lot of fun.

I was planning on taking the kids but since I'm no longer legally a part of their family, I felt a bit uncomfortable about being there for the gathering.

A couple weeks ago I got a Christmas card from ex's aunt saying my FIL/step-mil wanted me to attend Christmas. Hadn't heard anything more and was going to call and see when I needed to have the kids down there, and I got the call tonight.

"We are expecting to see you and the kids down here on Sunday. We really hope you can come."

They haven't heard from my ex for months, and he and OW maintain they are NOT going to the dinner, and that even they want me to go in their place and take the kids (which to me seems stupid because he's rejecting his own family).

And if some weird thing happened and EX/OW showed up, I told step-MIL that I have no problem being an adult and getting along with both of them. I can't guarantee the same from OW toward me.

They are angry because they feel that OW has intentionally pulled my ex away from all his family and friends (semi-true...he did ALLOW it to happen) and until he starts wanting to be a part of family and doing things on the up-and-up, they aren't very willing to accept OW into it.

In fact, I got their Christmas letter this weekend and they always do a big write-up about all the kids and grandkids and their ages and all and I'm still listed as a part of the family.

On one hand it's very nice, because it is very hard losing my husband, but it adds more grief to it to lose the entire family.

On the other hand, it sort of keeps me tied to him and I'm afraid I may have to fight a few tears at the family dinner on Sunday, just because its going to bring back a lot of memories.

I did go last year by myself (ex and I were still together but he was seeing OW and everyone knew it, and he refused to go...so they asked me to bring the kids by myself) and ended up getting all drippy-eyed when it was time to leave and everyone was doing their hugging thing because I figured it'd be the last time I saw any of them.

So...is this the dumbest thing I could do? Should I have politely declined and be moving on with my life? Or is it a good thing to be surrounded by family, even if they're not really family anymore?

LL

You divorced you H not his family. If you want to spend time with them, and you feel comfortable with them I see no problem with doing that. Just because things went sour in your marriage doesn't mean it HAS to carry over into your relationship with you inlaws. If you can maintain a good relationship with them despite everything that has happened, more power to you!

Miker

I really understand where you are coming from.
I'm on really good terms with my 'family-in-law'
while WW is not at all.

They've asked me to come visit with them, not necessarily for Christmas this year, as I'm going to spend it with my side of the family this time. But any time that I wanted too.

I too have the same feelings of being 'tied' to them while W is off doing her own thing. So I do hesitate on making a decision to go see them.

I will say one thing that may help, maybe not.
When I have gone to visit them during this whole mess, I don't hold back my feelings. I don't necessarily sit in a puddle of tears the whole time, but I won't try to hide it either. The way I look at it, If I can't be myself, or talk about the things on my mind, without at least a little support, then are they really my family?

I think this may be the question to ask yourself. The answer to it should give you at least a little guidance.

Lords Lady,

I agree with Miker, you didn't divorce them and neither did your kids!

I became very good frends with mi IL's over the years and I still am. I don't do much with them but If my situation was like yours, I would sytill be their friends and my kids will always be their grandchildren.

This time around, you can know that it is not the last time you are doing this with them.

If X is ok with you bringing his X Family to his family's house to celebrate the holiday, then go and enjoy yourself.

If X and OW do show up, then you just go right on being the adult and better person.

Holidays are for family, but they have the biggest impression on the kids.

WIWH

<small>[ December 19, 2004, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

LL,

Like everyone else is saying, I am still friendly with my out-laws too. I speak to his mom (my ex-MIL), I write to his sister (my ex-SIL) and I talk to his brother and fam on the phone (my ex-BIL). They have all told me that they KNOW I loved my ex, that they know I tried my best, that they still love the kids and ARE still the kids' relatives, and that they like me. The main thing that changed is that before we were relatives and had to tolerate each other...now we are NOT relatives and CHOOSE to tolerate each other.

The very first year that we split up, he was a little "possessive" of his family, and I graciously agreed to not attend events so he could feel comfortable with his own family. Bear in mind, his own family chose to not confront him about his mental illnesses or affairs, so they have some issues of their own! However, after that first year or so, shot, we have done holidays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Broncos games and everything together. Like I said, now our relationship is one of CHOOSING to like each other, rather than being a relative, and in a lot of ways, the new relationship is even better.

If you love them, and they love you--whether you're an in-law or not--you belong there. Go be with people you love and bring some tissues girl, 'cuz you're gonna cry!!

Happy holidays!


CJ

Merry Christmas everyone!

Just wanted to share more of God's loving care for all of us! We so need His comfort about now.

Nice e-card link thought would be enjoyed! Turn up your speakers and just rest in HIM. Cause He loves us!

http://www.angelhugs.net/rose.html

Christ Love
My love
Sky

Reviving this thread long enough to say I did my "Christmas with the ex-inlaws" today and I had a WONDERFUL time!

I am so thankful that they still think of me as a part of the family even though legally I'm not anymore.

In fact my niece who is my daughter's age and has had many, MANY behavioral issues (she's the one who spent 2 years in the State's care) said to me before I left, "LL, I'll ALWAYS consider you a part of the family!" I feel like that's about the ultimate acceptance, because she's free with her opinions and she doesn't like just anyone! But she's always liked my XH and me.

It was a very good day. I was proud of myself for not shedding any tears at all--much better than when I left last year.

I did share with them that I believe XH and OW are engaged. Can't say they were pleased. So who knows what next year will bring. XH/OW may be all happy and married and may then feel like going to Christmas down there, in which case I won't get to. But that's a year away. I can't worry about that now.

LL