Christmas is a time for giving, and a time for FORgiving, no? My question: After all I’ve gone through with my WxW this year alone, (My Year From Hell) I still love her and respect the role she has as our children’s mother. I want to give her a Christmas gift, but almost everyone says it would be inappropriate at best. Folks say I’d be rewarding bad behavior; she’d think I was manipulating; or the R is done and I should move on.. Am I being naïve or weak by extending a kindness to someone who I am trying to forgive? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

You know, a gift doesn't have to be something you buy.

Why not a card, and handwrite a note that says what you just told us, only a little modified.

I wouldn't talk about forgiving her - if she isn't to the point of wanting forgiveness or thinking she needs it yet, it will only make her angry.

The part about still loving her - I would temper it a little, make sure it doesn't sound like you are pining for her.... say something to the effect that you will always love her as the mother of your children.

And definitely tell her that you respect her role as mom to your kids.

If you really feel that you want to give her something, give her something appropriate to that role - maybe a gift certificate to a restaurant you know she and the kids like, and say that it's to give her a night with the kids where she can just relax and spend time with them rather than having to worry about dinner and such.

Or, just do the card.

That's my opinion anyway. Since you do have kids together, it's going to be a lot easier if you can stay friendly, and if you are moved to do something, I would. I would just make sure it is appropriate to the roles you have with each other now. And remember that if she is still in the fog, any kindness from you may be seen as manipulative by her, or stir up her guilt to where she gets angry about it.

who I am trying to forgive?
How are you "trying" to forgive?
Are you looking for something from her (remorse, apology, etc) to do this?

Forgiveness has very little to do with the person who caused the pain. It has almost everything to do with the person who was hurt.

Forgiving someone does not mean you need to like them or hang out with them or communicate with them.
Forgiveness means that whatever they did to cause you pain is no longer going to be a source of anger or resentment in you.

Hey there. Not too familiar with your story… but I think I can lend some perspective to your question here. I’m not sure if you are a Christian or not, by the sounds of your post you are at least practicing some Christian philosophies in your life… with forgiveness and all. The bible has some wonderful insights here that I found interesting. I don’t think you’d be rewarding her behavior… more likely you’d probably cause her to feel a little guilt. Proverbs 25:21-22 says: “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat: if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.” I interpret this to mean that by treating your W (your enemy, for lack of better term) well thru all of this, you will be overcoming and shall be triumphant in the end. Furthermore the apostle Paul backed this up in Romans 12:21 by saying “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Also, I’m sure you’ve heard this before… but Dr. Phil states that the best revenge for infidelity is a life well lived. Now, I don’t know for sure if your W strayed… but I think this statement could be extended to really any relationship were we have a falling out.

The point being: you love and care about your wife despite all she has done in the last year. You are trying to find forgiveness for her… it is a struggle, I know. I think if you want to give her a gift for Christmas… it is totally ok. Just don’t go overboard… no diamonds! Something small and meaningful… just a little something to show her that you are a decent human being and still care about her in spite of all this. By letting all that has happened roll off your back... it is the best revenge you can exact on her. Not that that is what your after... but it is hardly a reward for her behavior to give her a small gift for Christmas! Showing her that you can get over her and live a happy and joyus life will most likely throw her completely for a loop.

My wife and I had our pre-trial for the D yesterday. Solved all the issues we had so there will be no trial. I feel like she screwed me royally. I could have spent $20k in court fighting her but what is the point… there comes a time when you just want it over with. I got a pretty good deal with custody, and child support won’t be too bad… so whatever, I just want to move on. I feel angry today, not too forgiving at all. But, in spite of that, I still am planning on giving her a gift for Christmas… well, not me per se, but the kids. We are giving her a couple of pictures of the kids that I took a few weeks ago in a nice frame, and we are making her a batch of cookies. I will have the kids make her a card and I’ll probably sign it too. No big deal, but I wanted to let her know that I still care. Who could fault you if you wanted to do the same for your W at Christmas time?????

<small>[ December 21, 2004, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>

WMWB,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We are giving her a couple of pictures of the kids that I took a few weeks ago in a nice frame, and we are making her a batch of cookies. I will have the kids make her a card and I’ll probably sign it too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, I may even "borrow" this idea. I'd been thinking of getting a card for my XH and having the kids sign it. They're both teens and should be picking a card on their own, but doubt they will.

So, was thinking about just having them sign a card I picked, and then when I read dleightonc's question, I thought "you know, maybe I should sign that card, too."

I mean, I DID give birth to his kids. I do want to be nice (maybe a little forgiving and a little heaping coals all wrapped up together).

But I like the picture idea as well. I took a cute one of the kids a month or so ago. I could print it and put it in a frame and give it from us, maybe?

I agree, though, nothing too sentimental to an EX...especially if they're still doing the thing that caused them to be an EX (like still seeing or living with the OP).

LL

Well, I settled on the Michael Jackson Boxed CD set and a pair of Elton John tickets. She was ecstatic b/c those are her favorite artists.

She then proceeded to invite me to the concert. That was not the response I had expected, (she doesn't 'owe' me a 'date' but nonetheless I'm glad she received in the spirit that the gifts were given.

So if she's inviting *you* to the concert with her--
things with the OM must not be as perfect as she tries to portray--

You don't think she's just eating cake?