My story is posted in Just Found out and Recovery but here is a short version. D-Day 11/20/04 by reading husband email. First and still he will not admit there was anything physical going on just needed someone to help him understand what I was doing to make him feel so unloved. But this "friendship" lasted for 8 months. Anyway since then whenever we talk can never be about the "affair" it always gets turned around to how I had been making him feel for the 13 years we were married. So I read Surving an Affair and Torn Asunder. Have been trying to work on relationship. H refuses to read the books so it is hard for me to get him to understand steps, ENs etc.(he hasn't even completed assignments MC gave us) So we walk around being nice to one another like neither of us have a problem. Mine the affair, his the way I've treated him.We started counseling and at the last session I lost it. Told him and MC and I can't keep reliving what he thinks I did to him and as far as I was concerned the M is over.

I feel like if he can't absorb my pain over his actions than it will be easy for him to repeat them. Am I wrong?

I feel like he is saying what he did was okay because I was not always uplifting his ENs. Am I wrong?

I am just rambling tonight because I so confused. I just wany to wake up and know this was all just a bad dream.

My husband is acting exactly like yours. He doesn't want to talk about the 2 year affair he had and when we went to marriage counseling it's all about how I treated him during our 16 years marriage. Whenever I tried to talk to him at home, he avoided the subject because he said he could not take my anger outburst and that he would loose loving feelings for me.

After 2 months of marriage counseling, I asked him to move out on December 23. After I get my teeth taken care of and fix the floor, I will file for divorce.

Hurt,
I don't think I can wait much longer. I love my husband more than words but I will be damn if I let him turn this situation around and try to make me take responsibility for it. If I do that it will make it much more likely he will do it again. I can't even imagine my life without him, but I'm trying.
Good luck with your teeth, floor and divorce.

princess,

My WW/STBXW did the same thing. Kept blaming me for the ten years of pain I caused her. Said her OM is just a "platonic friend" and she wouldn't read any of the books either. She skimmed Surviving an Affair, but why read it if you aren't having one, right?

My huge issue right now is her affair, sure I have several other issues that I'd like to address in counselling should she get rid of OM. We can't deal with those other issues as long as she has her boyfriend in the picture. If she would get rid of her OM I know we could save this and resolve our other issues and have a happy life together, but she doesn't see it that way. Shee even told me that she didn't think she wanted a divorce, but was not ready to "jump back in with both feet". I took that as she doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't want to give up her OM.

Right now the grasas is greener on the other side of the fence, but that will soon turn brown on her too. Everyone is going to have issues in a relationship, but that "puppy love" state blinds them to everything.

Anywya, enough about my problems, I wish I could offer you advice but since I could not save my marriage I am probably not one to do that. I guess what I am doing is trying to show you that your situation in not unique. It seems to be a pattern around here. Keep reading and you will soon see. Some of them come out of "the fog" in time to save their marriages while others don't. Keep up the counselling and try plan A.

MIF?