I haven’t always posted to you but I have followed most of your postings. There has been a common theme for quite a while and that’s this whole “I’m Needy & I Want a Man but Ain’t Ever Gonna Find One” thing. I’m too old, my boobs are too small, my kids are a mess, and on and on and on.

For your sake, I pray that you don’t find a man for a good while. For I believe that in your mindset that any man you’ll find will deliver you right back to roller coaster you’ve stepped off of. Dear you’ve barely been divorced for 2 months and are coming out of a long-term marriage. What’s the rush to get one and furthermore what’s the rush to discount the possibility of getting one in the future. If you think your current state of “neediness” will attract a “healthy” man that a emotionally stable healthy relationship can blossom from, I tend to believe that won’t happen. I tend to believe that first you need to become healthy and then you’ll have the ability to attract healthy people. IMHO whether consciously or not match making can be a predatory endeavor rather than a healthy choice and I’d hate to see you as somebody’s prey. You know from the bible that whole “good begets good” thing.

I don’t know if you’re in counseling and I don’t know if you’re attending Al-Anon or not but I can tell you that from these boards I see some significant “self-esteem” issues. I’ve also been around the block enough times to have watched many many many of my friends in similar situations to you jump at the first best thing only to be drug down to a new low. Let me ask you a simple question, “Right now, do you love yourself and what do you love about yourself”? Think about it, if you don’t have love of self and can’t gather esteem from within then how can you in any type of healthy manner expect to be part of a healthy productive loving relationship.

I, myself, spent 3.5 years after my divorce in celibacy and not dating. When I took the time to get healthy and worked at getting to the root of my problems my life became to change. As I progress now in life I’m also reaping the benefits.

((LL)) Please take the time to do the work and reap the rewards…..


Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

LH,

I do appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. I guess first I should clarify. I am not looking for a man right this second. I am enjoying a bit of freedom. But with that freedom comes quite a bit of loneliness and a strong desire to be special to someone else, and so my fear is not that I'll be alone for this next year, but that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I'm not on dating sites seeking out guys right now. There simply isn't time between everything going on with my daughter and with me starting a new job in a month.

It's once there IS time that is my worry.

As for Al-Anon, not there yet. And I'm not sure my lack of love for myself is 100% the result of living with an alcoholic. (I also don't want to talk about the alcoholic all the time--I do much better when I don't think about him.)

I think I ended up with the alcoholic because as a teen I had little self-esteem. I was 5'9" and weight not even 100lb at one time. I wore a size 0. I was accused of having eating disorders (which I didn't have...I ate like a pig). Kids are very cruel. I was at competitive and at the top of my class so was constantly accused of being a "brain" or a "teacher's pet" and didn't have just tons of friends. So when someone came along and showed interest, I jumped at the chance. (And to his credit, he really is a fun guy underneath his addictions. It's just that over the years they are ruining him.)

Therapy: I need to be there. I'm not, except the therapy that my daughter is going to, that I'm now sitting in on. But that's for her issues, and to help me learn to deal with her.

However....I don't trust most therapists any further than I can spit (and I can't spit very darned far!). As I've seen mentioned in other posts, they don't always seem to be the brightest of the bright. And they're all into this fuzzy, "do what makes YOU feel good" idea.

I want a good CHRISTIAN therapist, who will help me see things God's way and give me direction. My insurance plan doesn't have any Christian therapists on it. And my budget is mighty tight already. I can't afford $100+ per session out-of-pocket.

Not to mention, between taking my daughter to school (and arriving late to work which causes me to work later), picking her up at noon (which takes the entire lunch hour), and working in her currentl-weekly therapy appointments which take another 2 hours or so off work, there just isn't time to squeeze in any more therapy without jeopardizing my job.

I am mentally exhausted anymore, and am stiff and achy from my head to my calves. I have frequent headaches. My arrhythias are cranky again. I get up in the morning and my one goal is to survive so I can drop back in bed at night.

Jan-March is my busiest time of year and I think (hope...pray!) that I'll feel better once the stress has settled and once the frigid temps warm back up.

But add to all this that I have looming deadlines of Feb 18th to get everything done at my current job because I'm changing companies starting the following Monday, Feb 21st. (And changing insurance, so I don't want to be doing much right now because they could deem it a pre-existing condition and not cover it for 12 months.)

So...my mission is to survive until after March. Once April hits, hopefully my daughter will be down to semi-weekly therapy or less, and maybe I can work myself in somewhere, if my new company I start with on February 21st will allow me to take the time off to go to the appointments. Sort of risky going into a new job saying "hey, by the way, I need a couple extra hours each week to go to a doctor".

I am hearing you LH...maybe not yet on going to Al-Anon. But I do need help!! I spent the entire 1/2 hour drive this morning praying for forgiveness for the stupid acts of last night, and asking God to help me get my priorities in order.

I haven't even read the responses to my other thread. I'm almost afraid to.

LL

Al-Anon is not about the alcoholic. It is about the people who live with them, or are affected by them. I spent 2 years in Al-Anon after my first divorce (alcoholic, drugs, mental problems) and I never even walked in the door until he was gone from my life.

Al-Anon was for me - a safe place to talk about what was going on in my life, how I wanted to change, and how I was reacting to things around me. The focus was on the kinds of behavioral changes that are assertive and not co-dependent or enabling - but otherwise, not really about the alcoholic at all.

Okay -- honestly, I didn't enjoy my experience with Al-Anon last summer. It started off okay--sort of supportive for me and took my mind off the issues at hand.

But as I continued, I got tired of sitting in a cold, musty church basement with 3-4 women reading from booklets and talking about the alcoholic and how he made me feel, or why I've allowed his actions to control who I am. I started to leave feeling that I hadn't accomplished anything except feeling sort of uncomfortable with people I didn't know and blowing a way two good hours of my too-short Sunday.

There are only two Al-Anon groups that meet close to my house. The other was the first group I tried. She was nice...but she was it, for almost the entire meeting, until one other person showed up. And both their H's were in recovery for years, and both were still married. So I didn't feel I fit there.

I think I'd enjoy a large group with lots of input (and where I could blend in a little more with the woodwork for a while), but I'm not sure where the larger groups are. I'm guessing downtown and near the hospitals.

I can't attend noon meetings downtown because I have to pick up my daughter each noon. I don't get off work until 6:30 or 7pm because of my arrival time being late. I have ZERO desire to hurry to some meeting, walk in late and starving and without time to unwind, and try and get anything out of it.

Right now, I'm feeling a little like I don't have time for myself. This probably adds to my resentment of things, because "my time" is late at night when I get home, and that's when therapists don't work and Al-Anon meetings don't run.

And I have coworkers encouraging me to join a gym or Curves or something to try and get toned and in better shape and to regain my energy and because exercise makes a person feel better. (And because they know I won't put on 5 layers of clothing to counteract our frigid temps up here and walk in the dark at night. Not THAT motivated to exercise.)

Do I just need to learn to cope as I am until my daughter is out of school this year and I'm back to being able to work normal hours for the summer. Otherwise, the more I'm gone from my house, the less that gets done, and the angrier I am when I look at all the laundry and dishes and dust and dog hair piling up everywhere. I'm happier with a clean house and no life than I am being spread so thin that nothing gets done.

And frankly, I've felt like crap again for the last several weeks, so my energy to do any of the above is pretty much non-existant. Maybe some year a doctor will actually figure out why I can go weeks of being totally exhausted and ache from head to toe and have achy joints and then I wake up one morning and realize I'm all better again.

I haven't even gone to the dr. this time, because it'll be more of the same. "Can't find anything wrong. Try and exercise to get your energy back."

I've been tested for Lupus numerous times because tests for generized inflamation often come back positive, but further testing never comes back conclusive. My doctor mentioned Fibromyalgia a couple years ago (but that usually doesn't affect one's fingers, which seems to be a new symptom this time)...even so, there is question as to whether that is even a real disorder.

But at any rate, my eyes burn today, I'm stiff, the cold makes me 100% worse because my fingers never get warm, and I'm just generally cranky. So I should probably watch how much I post today, huh?!

LL

LL,

Just FYI - I was asking about Al-anon just recently, and someone said they have online groups that seemed to have helped them. I did a quick Yahoo search, and here is the link....in case you are interested.

Al-anon online

Post deleted by FoundMan

LH,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was thinking about your situation the other day and let’s pretend for a moment that you are the stereo-typical co-dependent family member of an alcoholic. Who are you “co-dependent” upon now? I have thought about this a little and wonder if that hasn’t shifted to your daughter. And am wondering when it’s going to be time for you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, I am most definitely your typical co-dependent family member of an alcoholic. But even if he weren't an alcoholic, I think I'm an easy target. It's always been difficult for me to say "no" or stick up for my own rights as opposed to sacrificing my feelings for the feelings of others. Hindsight says that a lot of what I did to "help" my XH actually allowed him to not get better. Okay, so he's gone now. Same with my mom--she's a gambler and I've bailed her out of some messes. But I'm done now. I don't loan money anymore.

Yes, I'd guess some of the focus has shifted to my daughter now. But in a way, I think more of the focus should have been there in the beginning and that a lot of years went by with my not being the best parent I could be because I was trying to please my husband. So I struggle here with how much is too much.

LL

Are there any CoDA meetings in your area? Co-Dependents Anonymous? Just a thought.

I went to S-Anon for 18 months. Currently, I am in a 'Surrender' Class at church. Very loosely 12-step. We talk about addictions and the steps but we have no affiliation with any group. Many of the people in the group have been in a 12-step group though not all of us have.

LL, I'm not here to bug you about Al-Anon this time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but because when you talked about your aches and pains, it sounds like what I've got.

I had been exercising at Curves about 3 times a week up until a few months ago when my WH forced the sale of our "dream house" and I moved into a trailer on a vacant piece of land. I've had to have septic put in, well dug, generator installed for power, fences built for horses, grading and gravel on the driveway to make it passable, a pole barn for the horses, etc, etc. while continuing to run our business alone.

During this time I've developed severe aching and stiffness all over my body on awakening, but especially in my fingers. I haven't been to a doctor because I blamed it on stress and not exercising and just expected it to go away (more of my living in fantasy, I guess) or else I've blamed it on aging.

It doesn't really fit any diagnosis that I know of and I haven't had the test for inflammation. Do you have any idea what it is?

I second everything LH has said, BTW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

LetSTry,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> During this time I've developed severe aching and stiffness all over my body on awakening, but especially in my fingers. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, that's me. It takes a good hot shower to get me going. But the problem is, sometimes I'm so achy when I get up, I just want to go back to bed. And my knees and my hip joints have been aching lately during the night.

Nope...not sure what it is. At 39, I doubt it's just arthritis from aging. Some of it, no doubt, is because I don't exercise. My joints aren't actually swollen or anything.

But my doctor has done tests off and on for years because I'll come in complaining of aches and fatigue (not in the fingers until the last couple months--haven't seen him for that yet) and tell him to "fix me" when I can't stand it anymore. Problem is, we've yet to find the "fix" for this particular problem. (I really like my Dr. by the way--he is one of the best about trusting that I know what I'm saying and listening to me and explaing things very clearly.)

Here's "Dr." LL's list of tests you could ask about if you ever go to a doctor yourself:

He's tested for Epstein Barre (sp?) virus which causes Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have positive antibodies from sometime in my past, but nothing active, so it's not that.

The inflamation test I was referring to is called a "sedimentation rate" or something like that. Mine is nearly always elevated, which means somewhere there is inflamation. But it's a really non-specific test. It can mean anything from rheumatoid arthritis to a sinus infection.

The one test fairly specific to Lupus that he ran a few years ago was an ANA titer. My levels were elevated so the doctor sent me to a rheumatologist during one of my hip/knee/back aching periods because he thought I might be showing early signs of Lupus. But the rheumatologist looked at me, told me the cartilage in one of my knees is bad, and said that unless my symptoms get worse, he doubts it's Lupus--that some people can have a positive ANA test and still not mean anything.

My doctor also said it might be fibromyalgia. But if you read up on that, there really isn't any specific test or treatment for it, so I logged it in my brain and moved on.

The symptoms have come and gone to various degrees for probably 8-10 years, though more so the last couple years. I'll feel pretty darned good for several months. And then all my muscles will just get really stiff and achy and I'll get very fatigued with more frequent headaches. It just saps all my energy. Very frustrating!

If you keep feeling lousy, you should probably go in just to make sure nothing else is going on, but if you're like me, you'll test out fine (which is reassuring on one hand), pay the nice man his money, and go back home.

LL

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 11:54 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

I'm not a doc, but what you describe here sounds a lot like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, coupled with major Stress - and yes, those things can and do cause symptoms such as you describe.
That's what's so aggravating with doctors - you're a GUINEA PIG for thier tests - and ha! you can go broke while they leisurely search for more answers! Also, as we age, winter cold really gets the bones and joints aching.
Just a few thoughts.
SDLOM

LL, as cinderella suggested, there may be alternatives to Al-Anon. Early in my marriage, I went to some Al-Anon meetings with my then-wife, and frankly I wasn't impressed. The meetings seemed to consist of a bunch of self-absorbed complaining and shared commiseration. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that a certain amount of "self-absorption" is inevitable when doing necessarily introspective work, and I understand the importance of finding support from those who can show that they have been through similar experiences. We all need to know that we are not crazy and alone. But there is risk of such gatherings becoming mere pity parties instead of collective efforts to help one another climb out of the hole.

If you can find a church group (maybe it's even better if it's at a different church than your own) where the focus is on God and your relationship with Him, instead of on yourself with only vague allusions to some "higher power", you might find the experience to be wholly different from your experiences with Al-Anon.

On the matter of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and its cousins, I have three things to say: adequate sleep, good diet, and regular exercise. Probably the most important exercise program you can undertake would involve a joint mobility routine, done daily when you get up in the morning. (Try hand exercises throughout the day to increase mobility and circulation.) The only way the cartilage in our joints gets "fed" is through use, and the old adage "use it or lose it" definitely applies. Taking care of yourself in these ways won't necessarily fix everything, but until you do it I don't believe the doctors are ever going to be able to distinguish between the symptoms of a real medical dysfunction and the symptoms of mere neglect.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, and I have no mysterious nagging ailments. But if I stop doing my joint mobility routine for a few days, I definitely notice a difference in overall energy and stiffness.

Lordslady,

I'd like to suggest again that you read the book
"BOUNDARIES" I think it would do you a world of good--