Types of SEX

Social Security Sex:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


Loud Sex:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "That's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"


Quiet Sex:
Tired of his listless sex life, a man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"


Confounded Sex:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium" and $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made a decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."


Wedding Anniversary Sex:
A husband and his wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever.'"

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last.'"

THANK YOU!

THAT WAS FUNNY!

Ali~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

20 funny bumper stickers

1. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
2. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. You! Off my planet!
7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
8. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
9. I'm just working here 'til a good fast food job opens up.
10. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
11. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
14. Adults are just kids who owe money.
15. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
16. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
17. Chaos, panic and disorder -- my work here is done.
18. Does this condom make me look fat?
19. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
20. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Oh dear, every day I go to a padded cell?

Well, for sure, they pretend to pay me. I'm waiting for a good raise. I may have to wait a while. The governor proposed giving us a 1% raise. Like, why bother....

New Words for new times.

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

WOOFies - Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.