We have caused each other so much pain. Our "open relationship" was the most unbelievable thing in the world. Imagine the excitement of sex, then imagine as soon as it's over your heart is broken. Multiply this 100X and I think this may be where we are at right now.

I unknowingly had an EA with her friend a year or so ago. I did not realize it was an EA until I read HN/HN. I did recognize that I was having inappropriate thoughts and feelings about the OW and somehow crushed those thoughts/feelings and began to resent her friend. Several months ago I had sex with OW and did not tell wife dispite our agreement to always be open and honest with each other. I did not tell her because I knew she found OW a threat, and she specifically told me NOT to be with her. I have no idea why I did, I was physically sick afterward, puked in the bathroom of a gas station at what I had just done, and what it would do to my wife if she ever found out. I told her about both on D-Day #2.

As I said, wife was very jelous of OW, that's why it caught me completely off guard when she started pressuring me a few months ago to sleep with her. I refused for a couple months, knowing her feelings and unsure what was happening or what she may be thinking. Then wife arranged for OW and I to be alone together and told us both it was ok. We did.

Same weekend OW and I had encounter that wife set up we swapped with OM and his fiance. OM was supposed to be my best friend. Wife now tells me that she fell in love with him that weekend, blames me for it because "I gave her away". They are continuing EA now, unsure about PA. She admits EA, denies PA, he denies both. I think they were involved in an EA long before that, unsure about PA. Is she using this as an excuse?

In the past few months wife has bought me new clothes, had me change my hair style, given me tips on "dating" and finding women, even went so far as putting my picture and ad on a web site. She admits doing all of this because she wanted me to find someone and leave her, she thought it would have been easier that way. She didn't realize how much she means to me, and how much I Love Her. She even went so far as saying that she set me and OW up because she wanted us to fall in love because OW would be a good step mom to our children.

Maybe it's a coincidence (sp?) but OM has same clothes I have.... 2 pairs of same shoes, same tie I got for Christmas. I don't think wife could have bought them for him, it would have looked sorta suspicious to his fiance I would think. Is this just a freak thing, or what does it mean?

I know I have been extremely longwinded here, but I do believe I have all of the skeletons out of the closet now. I/we have many issues to work out, mine being sexual, hers being that of victim. I'm not sure she will ever be able to forgive me for the hurt I've caused her. For the first time I'm beginning to wonder if our marriage is over....

We both feel so ashamed of the life we have lived the past few years, the things we have done are disgusting and immoral. For the life of me I cannot understand why we traveled down this road, or why neither one of us told the other we were hurting so bad because of it. We both hid the pain because we thought it was making the other person happy, when in reality we were both slowly dieing..

If there's anyone out there who has been both a w/s and a b/s at the same time, how do you deal with it? I want to start a new life and begin all over again. She wants out now, divorce is the only thing she can see. She says I've caused her too much pain, she can't even stand to have me touch her. She hates me, I'm sure of it..

I've posted this in several places in hopes someone reads it and can help me.... I can't stand the pain any more