Okay All,<BR> I need help!!!!! Yesterday was my birthday, and H said he got a letter from OW again!!!! He gave to his mother for safekeeping, as he's going to ask for restraining order against her. He didn't even read it, but he knew there were several pages. She has found him several times in public, and tried to force him to talk, he tells her in less than polite terms he is not interested in talking to her, seeing her, he can't even stand the sight or sound of her. He tells her this, and she still keeps coming back!!!! She keeps writing, showing up, I am sick of it!!!! What does it take to get it through her thick skull that he's had it with her? He's told her straight out more ways than one, and she refuses to believe him. Keeps trying to force contact. When she does this, it upsets him, and he becomes depressed and angry, and we end up not getting as much accomplised as we should. I know he really wants this to end. It upsets him, because he has to deal with face to face what he did to me, and how he lost me over it. He says he definitely lost me, and is scared if she keeps this up, he will lose me for good. I have told him he won't, but he just wants to get past this all, and with her continuing to throw herself in his path, he can't leave it behind. He doesn't want me to confront her, because he feels it will make her worse, but I can't see it being much worse than this. She is continually making him miserable. Yes, I know he needs that to remember what he did wrong, but there is a limit to how much anyone can stand, and he's well past the point. He is talking about hurting her physically if she doesn't leave him alone. I am scared. I don't want him to get himself in trouble over her. But she won't quit harrassing him, and I'm afraid she's gonna push him over the edge. Why can't she see that she's only making things worse? Doesn't she understand how much he hates her at this point? Doesn't she see that she's putting herself in possible physical danger by forcing this issue? I ain't the brightest crayon in the box, but if someone tells me to leave them alone, with all the anger he has in his voice when he talks about her I know that had to be evident to her, I am going to stay the h*** away. Why is she not getting it? I just don't know what to do. I am very scared, as I can see this situation going very bad very quick if she doesn't wise up and leave him alone. I'm not saying he's in the right for what he feels like doing to her, but once his anger has reached a certain point, he doesn't realize what's right and what's wrong. He won't go for counseling. Says talking about it makes him angry, and I know it does. I just feel so helpless in this whole thing. He's kept control for this long, but if she keeps pushing him, there is no telling what he may do. I am lost, and I don't know what I can do. Please help!

hi my friend, i feel for you. sorry you guys have another of the OW's from H@ll. i think the best thing would be to get a restraining order against her. then she would maybe think twice about contacting him. who knows, she seems like she just doesn't get it. <P>anyway, that is what i would do. it would at least cause her problems everytime she did contact him and you called the police. maybe she is just a bit slower than most of us, and she might get it after a couple of run ins with the police.<P>just wanted to lend my support. take care and tell your H to go get a restraining order. it will probably make him feel better too, that at least he is trying to keep her away.<P>bye! <P>happy_girl

KT,<BR>Happy is absolutely right. Just because she is an OW does not give her the right to harass your H. He should get a restraining order and actually call the police every time she violates it in any way. <P>Unfortunately, indecent people thrive because most of us are decent -- we would not dream of doing the kinds of things to them that they do to us. Well, it is time to start fighting on her level. When the OW sees that you and your H are prepared to take real action she will eventually get the picture.<P>Meanwhile, reinforce to your H that if he loses control and does something violent to the OW then SHE WINS! Make sure that he understands that you are standing together on this issue and that you don't intend to stand by and watch everything fall apart and have him go to jail over this worthless person.<P>Good luck, we are all pulling for you!<P>- Heavenly

Sorry kt_girl, I forgot the most important thing ...<P>Happy Birthday! <P>

Thanks Heavenly,<BR> I know, we are thinking of that. I don't really think he wants to hurt her, but he's told her over and over he wants no contact from her, and she just keeps on bugging him. She thinks he's just lying about it to please me, or that I'm standing in the way. What is standing in the way is not me, It is the fact that he told her he was not in love, didn't want love from her, all it was was sex, nothing more. She just refuses to see that. No matter how many times he tells her, she won't hear it. She may slack off for a while, but then she does something again and it enrages him. She doesn't understand what she has done, is the last thing in the world that she should have done if she seriously wanted to have a chance with him. He told her from the front that there was no relationship between them, and never would be. She's so far in denial, I don't think she realizes how angry he is toward her. Thanks for the advice and the birthday wishes. I'm trying to hold on here, and H and I will be fine, no matter what she tries. I just hate seeing him so upset over her. I like to keep him from being upset, but with her around, that is not possible. Also I want to make clear, that my H is not a violent man. He has never been violent with me. He just feels he is being pushed and the load is getting heavy. He feels like since she won't listen and accept, he has no other choice in getting his point across. Hopefully it won't get to that point.

Ktgirl,<BR>I have no doubt that you and H will get through this -- you sound like you are in a wonderful position because at least he wants nothing to do with the OW and there are no conflicting feelings there. <P>I never meant to suggest that your H was the violent type. But I have learned from my own experience that once a H decides that he has made a mistake and wants his marriage to work he is very protective of the marriage. <P>My own H tries to keep the OW completely away from me because he fears that will re-open the wounds and drive a wedge in our marriage. I also see my H getting disgusted with the demands and games of the OW so I know what you mean about having your H pulled and pushed until he sees no way out. And, let's face it, public embarrassment would get the better of any of us over time.<P>These OW who don't want to accept reality just drive you crazy! They tried their best, it did not work and yet they refuse to give up. <P>Well, I believe our continued happy marriages are the best revenge we can have on the uncaring-type of OWs. I will pray for strength for you to get through this latest test. <P>- Heavenly

Heavenly,<BR> Thank you for your kind words. I know you didn't say my husband was violent. I was just trying to make it clear to anyone who read, that this is not my husband's normal nature, and it is scary to think he may go over the edge if she keeps pushing. I keep telling him that then she will win, because he will be in jail, and we will be seperated for a lot longer than need be. This whole thing has been going on over a year, with her initial pursuit, during which she was even more relentless, then the affair, and now the supposed pregnancy. <BR> I like the way that you put things about him being very protective of the marriage, I am sure that is what he is trying to do. He's trying to save me any more pain in this situation, but he doesn't realize that the only pain that will hurt me now is to lose him because of her pushing him over the edge. I just want he and I to close ranks and face the witch together, in whatever we do so she gets the message that there is no chance in hell for her at all. I keep trying to get him to post on here, and maybe make friends with other H's in similar situations so he can talk all these feelings out and be supported by someone else who may understand his POV a little better, but he doesn't feel comfortable writing. He thinks he's not smart, and that he's not good at expressing himself. I know it would help him, it's done wonders for me, but I won't push him. He has to make the decision to do something about his feelings. He won't go for counseling on it, and we talk minimally about "her" because he gets so upset. Most of our discussions have to do with us rebuilding what we both have lost due to this whole thing. He has become more open about his EN's and he's better familiar with mine, so we are getting somewhere. I am just scared because we are both putting an awful lot of hard working into this, and she can destroy that with stupidity. I've worked so hard to put things back together, I just don't want to see us tore apart over reasons beyond our control.

ktgirl,<BR>My H told me that he is afraid to talk to me openly sometimes because he does not know where I am going with the information. I don't know if your H may have the same feeling. <P>My H feels that, first, talking about the XOW will stir up those feelings of betrayal, etc. inside of me, and second, that it will remind us both of the mistakes that he made and stir up the anger. <P>I told him that not talking about her will not erase the memories or the feelings. The most important objective is getting through this thing as a team and if each of us has to occasionally suffer unpleasantness or pain then we must find a way to use that pain to make us stronger and bond us closer together. <P>I am telling you this because maybe you should continue to make it clear to your H that the "team" is most important. It does not upset you by hearing about her or his feelings about her. What upsets you more is being shut out of these important feelings and thoughts he is experiencing and the fear that all you worked for will go down the drain. <P>My H also loves it when I tell him that I realize he has made great strides in the past months (which he has) and that he is not even the same man who made the mistakes. It was almost like another person who was involved with the XOW. Maybe that will make it easier for him to understand that you and he are now in a new situation and you are operating from a position of strength -- the strength of your marriage -- rather than weakness (his betrayal).<P>Meanwhile, I continue to pray for all of us. <P>- Heavenly

Ktgirl-<BR>Keep a record of all contact that OW is making. If she keeps sending you letters, DO NOT OPEN THEM!!! Keep them, and make a record of it. It will help to build H's case in regards to the restraining order. Also, get caller ID and block her number. DO NOT CONFRONT her yourself. If she is unstable she can turn it around on you and put a restraining order on you. Let your H take care of this. Sooner or later she will get the hint. <P>Good luck....<P>

Heavenly,<BR> We do talk about his feelings about her. There was no love there, he's been very honest about it, even telling me what he told her from the start. He told her that he didn't want love, or a relationship, and certainly didn't want a child, had no interest in being a father. He started to use a condom, and she told him he didn't need to, as she was on birth control, and showed him a letter from her doctor stating that she had no diseases. That's the only reason he didn't wear protection. He can be naive sometimes. I gather that it happened once before we seperated, and a couple of times after, when I told him I wanted a divorce. She just shows up wherever he's at, and has done this even when we were still together. She's come looking for him thinking I was at work and found me there, because he had the car. Then she'd give me some bull about her boyfriend wanting to talk to my H, and to have him call. The kids would tell me everyday that she'd been to the house with some ridiculous excuse, (brakes locked up on car, same car that she drove there to find him) heater broke, things of that nature. He is mechanical, and does fix things for people. I have heard from his mother and brothers other things that she had done over there at his Mom's house. He has no choice but to be honest about it, because he saw what lying to me before (denying the affair) almost cost him forever. I believe he doesn't want anything to do with her. She's the one who doesn't.

Duranie,<BR> We are planning to put a restraining order against her. His mother is saving all the correspondence she send, which is usually in typed envelope with no return so he opens them. She's also logging all the times the woman called and came over. She told OW never to call or come to their house again, because she would have harrasment charges brought against her. He's afraid that by actually bringing charges, it may cause her to get worse. He can't go anywhere without her showing up and trying to force him to talk to her. He can rage and scream and threaten her, and all she will do is sit there and say "Why don't you want to talk to me?" She knows just about all his friends and places he goes to and shows up at all the ones she hasn't been barred from for that exact reason. She shows up at his job, it doesn't matter. When he still was a bouncer at a bar on weekends, she would show up and get sloppy drunk and weepy trying to force him to talk to her, and this was after she told him she was pregnant. His mother is now tired of the situation and has told him she wants him to put a restraining order against before something bad happens to him. He just wants to be left alone, and he agrees that he should get the order, but is scared it will set her off worse, and make her come after me. Evidently, she must have threatened me at some time to him, and without knowing what was said, I don't understand why he's so afraid. This woman is a certified psycho, but I can handle myself. Hell, I ride a motorcycle for fun, and that thing weights almost 500 lbs. When I've dumped it, I have to pick it up, and if I can handle my bike, there's nothing that overwieght waste of skin can do to me. Plus I have a great sense of survival due to the fact I've been in abusive relationships in the past. I can take care of myself. I wish he would just do this, so we can get her away from us both.