My W told me that she told OM that she couldn't talk to him anymore. That made me guardingly optimistic. She seems to really be taking it hard, which is hard for me to have sympathy for, since it was her choice to do something so wrong. I know she will go through a period of withdrawal, but how long and what can I do to help her and make deposits in her love bank? Or is this just a time that she will have to deal with on her own? Any advice from the veterans is appreciated!! No offense intended, it just means you have additional wisdom!!<p>[This message has been edited by floored (edited October 19, 2000).]

Dear floored,<P> Please resist the need to punish her, she's done that allready. You have an excellent oportunity to show her that you care for her above all else. Be supportive of her, no matter how much it hurts. She needs someone to confide in,to talk to. Let it be you. Let her know you understand your part in this, and change it. Above all, don't LB. Come here and vent if you need to. You have such a great opportunity to save your marriage. If you didn't think it was worth saving, you wouldn't be here.<BR> Your wife needs her best friend right now. Be that friend, and your marriage can be stronger that you ever thought. <P> God bless you<P>------------------<BR><P>Lynton

Floored:<P>Dr. Harley says withdrawal takes about six months. It took my husband five. <P>During that five months, he wasn't necesaarily pining over the OW as much as he was distraught over the massive destruction he single-handedly brought into our lives.<BR>He believed too much damage had occurred for any reparation to be possible. <BR>Much of the withdrawal is about their own self disgust and their guilt and thinking that forgiveness is impossible, so why try? Why bother? <BR>I found that very, very little was about the OW.<P>I know there were times when he felt guilty about her and probably worried about her and even longed to talk to her, but that soon passed with every day of my Plan A.<P>Two years later he is filled with gratitude and is happy and feels blessed in spite of the problems we face.<P>I guess patience on your part and understanding is a tall order, but if you want your marriage to survive, give it your all, work the program of recovery and follow Harley's principles. <BR>Know that your wife's withdrawal and sorrow isn't just about the OM...it's about the damage she has done to the marriage, knowing she is responsible and the guilt, sadness and despair is overwhelming...she knows what she has done...she will worry things will never be the same...and they won't, but they can be better. <P>I know it is incredible to believe this, but in some ways we ARE better than ever, we ARE closer than ever...the damage caused life altering events forever, things will never be as they were and I do mourn our exclusivity because that part of us is gone, but now a new specialness has been borne out of the ashes.<P>Keep reassuring her you are committed to making this work and you are capable of forgiving her and moving on. Let her know it will take some time and work on her part but you have confidence in her and your love for each other and that the marriage will not only survive but will become stronger and better than ever. <BR>She needs to know you are there for the long haul and that you have responsibilities to each other, that your marriage comes first and is now and always will be number one priority, that she can't give up because the task seems daunting because you're not giving up.<P>Stay strong...keep praying...follow the MB principles.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<BR>Six months?? Holy cow! I guess in the scheme of things, (like the rest of our lives), that really isn't that long. I don't know if you remember, but W and I are separated. Is that good or bad at this stage and why or why not. I feel like if we can get past this, even though our marriage was rocky before all of this OM/OC business, it will be better. Should I even suggest counceling right now, or let things go for a while. I really am confused as to what to do or not do during this withdrawal period..push or not to push. Thanks for your help.<BR>

I have only read "Surviving an Affair", but I ordered "Lovebusters", "His Needs, Her Needs" and a couple more books today. Which one is of more benefit to read right now. W was very polite and nice today, very pleasant and I enjoyed her being around. One day at a time, right?!

Floored:<P>Read them simultaneously if you can. I guess His Needs, Her Needs along with Surviving an Affair are the two most important, but that's just my opinion because I am not a big lovebust queen as a rule.<P>I forgot you two were seperated...who's idea was this? Would she be willing to move back home with you? If so, you would be able to Plan A her on a more regular basis, however, there are many who have done it successfully while apart. I think counselling is crucial.<P>To know what to do and what not to do, the best thing to do is come here and post and study the Harley principles until you know them as well as possible...and follow the four rules and incorporate the principles into your life.<P>Stay focused and steadfast.<P>Catnip =^^=

Floored, it sounds like you are on the right path. Read, fix what you can about yourself & what stuff you brought to the marriage that hurt it. That is all you can do. As I told my WS, if nothing else, we will both know more about relationships & either fix ours or be better in the next one I am taking care of my stuff and it has helped a lot.<P>Once your W sees that coming home is a safe thing to do, I am sure she will do that. Make it a place she wants to be. You don't want her returning if it is just a last alternative & she feels trapped into doing that. It may take months. Don't walk on eggshells though. Just bee yourself. And when I say that, be the self you imagine yourself to be. All of us tend to thing we are kind, loving, funny, charming, etc. Just be who you imagine you are. You would be surprised at how you feel and what change you will see in her.<P>Take care... Carolyn