His relationship with the OW has so much working against it, but he never wavers. He shows no regret, no remorse, no empathy even for the children. He claims to love his kids, but two of them have little or nothing to do with him. His only son has asked him to come home several times, or even to spend more time with him. Our son has stopped asking, because he says his father will either ignore him or tell him he can't or "some excuse". <P>Back in December, when he was still at home, I called the number I found on the cell phone. I accidentally dropped the phone just as she answered and had to call back, and the OW started yelling at me (she didn't know who I was) to stop calling her. He is a major conflict avoider, yet he lives with a woman who gets upset that easily, a woman who pages him if he is a few minutes late, a woman who apparently encouraged him to leave his kids without even saying goodbye. He pays little attention to her kids, who pay no attention to him either. He is living in an environment he hates, commuting a long distance through rush hour traffic. My H has completely lost interest in farming, something he was passionate about for 15 years. The man who didn't want to be able to see his neighbors is now living in a condo.<P> The longer it goes on, the more distant he becomes. He almost always communicates only by email, never initiates conversations with me, is always in a hurry to get out of the house when he picks up or drops off the kids. The only time he is willing to talk at all is when I call him at work. I haven't lovebusted in months. He claims I refuse to talk to him about finances, though I have tried to on several occasions. He is furious that I am not willing to go ahead with an uncontested divorce, even though I would have to commit perjury to do so. I think if I were to go to Plan B, he would either be overjoyed to have nothing to do with me, or he would be as angry with me as he is with his daughter who is being "disrespectful" by refusing to talk to him. Sometimes I think he has been lying all these years, lying about loving me, lying about his family being so important to him, lying about his values. Other times I worry that he is going to wake up someday, realize what he has thrown away, and become suicidal again, as he apparently was shortly before he left.

My H is a big conflict avoider also and he is living with OW who goes balistic on him. I called him to find out when he gave our sick son medicine last and she flipped out that I called(I'm in Plan B). She's all jealous and possessive & spewing the F word all over the place--she even choked H. Well, he's still with he and claims he's happy and is moving on with his life and suggests I do the same. I know H is still p***** that I have no contact with him(for the sake of the kids he says), but apparently OW was just thrilled. I was never the jealous or possessive type and certainly not physical when we fought. I can't see what he continues to see in her. But I guess he loves her since he's trying to go through with this divorce.<P>I don't think I would go into Plan B if I were you. Sometimes, I DO regret it, but I have to follow through with it. If your H's OW is real explosive--that should ruin it for sure. That's all I'm hoping for with mine. Good luck.

Nellie,<P>Don't know if you want to hear from me being that you and I haven't been able to see eye to eye on much else, but being married to a total conflict avoider too, I'll offer my take on your situation.<P>One of the biggest obstacles for my H was getting past the thinking that he'd gone too far and that he would never be able to "fix" things with me. This was a big mental block for him. I'm wondering if your H is staying with OW because he feels he has reached the point of no return with you by all his deplorable behavior? He might, at this point, feel like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place, and making due with the OW because he feels there is no way to get back his life with you. It sounds like he probably really does hate it with the OW, but she accepts him and he is safe with her, whereas with you, he knows he must meet certain expectations (and rightfully so!).<P>So, it might be more worth your while to stay in Plan A as long as you can. I know this is easier said than done, but it could be that your H needs to be shown that you can forgive and that things can be fixed between you. <P>All lovebusters are not equal. A lovebuster from the OW probably doesn't carry as much weight as one with you. He knows he has failed you and the kids, plenty. And having to face that failure is probably too much for a conflict avoider like him. Somehow, you need to show him that he is safe with you. I know the idea of that probably sucks when it is all you can do not to wring his insensitive neck, but I don't know what else to tell you.<P>If you still want him back, then maybe you should stick to Plan A so that you can look like a goddess and the OW will be revealed to be the shrew that she is.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Nellie1,<P>I'm sorry that your family is in this stressful situation. It sounds like you still care for him and that he's putting up with an awful lot of difficulty in being with her.<P>His current situation can easily crumble, but unfortunately that is a little scary too because of his suicide possiblity. I think you can win him back, but things have to change at home or the cycle will start all over again. He's obviously a desperate man in a very shakey situation, let's find out what is driving him.<P>Knowning only what you've typed about the situation, I'd say that she is needy and he is Mister-Fix-It. For once in his life, the old conflict-avoider can finally be a "hero" to a woman instead of constantly hearing a list of demands/criticisms/sarcasm from the "warden". Even if it means commuting, condos, stepkids, and guilt over leaving his own family, he jumps through all the hoops to get that elusive thing called RESPECT.<P>Nagging can be a monumental motivator. See Proverbs 21:19. Have you disrespected him quite regularly because of his conflict-avoiding?<P>You sound very superior to his dysfunctional girlfriend. Just think how many "hoops" you could get him to jump through for you and your children if you could just meet some of his needs that this b**** is. But I guarantee you, if you are a world class nag as far as he is concerned, you could look like Cindy Crawford and he still rather live in the mess he's currently in. Good luck, you can have him back if you really want him.<BR>

Hi Nellie -<P>All we can do is work on ourselves and really learn this communication stuff. And PRAY!!! Someday they will remember who they are and hopefully we will be there to see it.....<P>BTW - Whoever stole your H also took mine!!!! I wonder what would happen if we posted a reward? LOL!!<P>Hugs and prayers to you.<P>Sheba

new woman,<BR>I think you are probably right. Long ago, shortly after he left, he said he thought he had messed up his life so badly that it could never be fixed. He also said that it was probably very sad, but he didn't think he could ever have positive feelings for me again. More recently he said that he wasn't saying that divorce was best for the kids, or for me, or even for him, but it was going to happen. He acts in so many ways like he doesn't think he has a choice. He told me in April that he was so much happier now than with me, but he doesn't act happy - but maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part.<P>Cuckold,<BR>We were probably both disrespectful to each other frequently. He often treated me like I was stupid (enough so that others' noticed it), and I apparently also treated him with disrespect, though I don't think I ever embarrassed him in front of others. I think part of the problem is that his father is very critical of him, his first wife criticized him for not being assertive enough, and I think he has always had a problem with self-esteem.<P>Jackie, <BR>It is scary to think that your H would stay with someone that violent. I wonder sometimes if my H's OW is just waiting until the divorce is final, and then will dump him for someone else, someone with more money perhaps. I think her H left her for someone else. One of my kids was trying to quote the golden rule the other day, and got it a little confused - "Do unto others as they have done unto you" - and I wonder if that is her motto.<P>Sheba,<BR>I hope he remembers who he is someday, and I hope it is before he has completed alienated all the kids. In the last year his father has tried to get closer to his grandkids, but they didn't grow up close to him, and I think it is too little too late.<P>