cdcollins:I was lurking tonite and really need to sleep but wanted to ask a question of you. I am asking this after reading a response you made to someone else. I realize this is not a pregnancy/child issue but wanted your advice...<BR>In therapy yesterday my therapist said that I was accepting too much blame for his A. He has said that at the time of the A he felt unloved, undesired and felt I no longer showed him the loving affection that he needed. I will admit that looking back there was probally alot more I could have done to show my love for him, but I also felt that I was really showing this to him. I am having a really hard time separating the two issues. I feel that I could have stopped this from happening, that if he had felt loved and desired he wouldn't have been so vulnerable to her and would have been able to say no. This is really getting in the way of our recovery. I truely feel that due to my inability to his frustrations, because he did try to tell me, I caused the affair.<BR>I'm not sure of which post it was that you replied to and I tried once to find it and lost this post so... it seems to me that you have been able to separate the two issues, and that you don't blame yourself for the affair.<BR>My h has said to me that it was his decision alone to have the affair, and yes he realizes it was wrong and is truely remorseful(I wouldn't be here if I felt he wasn't), but he also says that the decision to seek comfort elsewhere was based on how he was feeling at that time, and that was unloved. So my question is...How do I separate the two. So many people have said that it wasn't my fault and that it wasn't my responsibility, but since it was based on something that involved my inability to hear his frustrations and see that I wasn't meeting his needs, and if I did I truely believe he wouldn't have been there. How do I get past this. How do I separate my responsibility from his, or am I approaching this in the wrong way?

Dear Not Giving Up,<BR>This was a hard thing for me too but I think I've finally gotten a grip on it. You do need to separate your guilt over causing problems in the marriage from your h's affair. This is how I see it:<P>At that point in our marriage, I created a lot of problems that definitely caused a breakdown in our marriage. Among other things, i pretty much stopped sleeping with my h, sex was nonexistant, and I picked fights with h and nagged him a lot. In addition, which I haven't mentioned here before, I talked a few times on the phone with a former flame - who was going through a divorce of his own. even though I saw the conversations with my ex-boyfriend as merely being supportive to an old friend in his time of need and reassured my h that they were innocent, my h felt very threatened by it and I dismissed his feelings on this out of hand. So, yes, I contributed to the overall breakdown in the marital fabric. I take full responsibility for my part in that.<P>However, and this is the important thing to keep in mind, regardless of the mistakes I made in the marriage, I did not at any time invite an outside person into the realms of the marriage itself. My h could have tried a lot of other things at this point to save the marriage. he could have insisted on marriage counseling. If he really felt like a separation from me was needed, he could have asked for one without seeing other people. He could have just said, "No more contact whatsoever between you and old boyfriend." (Looking back, of course, that's the way it should have been anyway.) But no matter what problems we were having, it was his responsibility - as per his wedding vows - to work on the problems without bringing another sexual partner into the mix. Despite all of the poor choices I made at the time, the marriage itself was still between US. They were exclusively our problems. My h made a conscious choice to involve another person in our relationship. He CHOSE to have sex with another woman, knowing full well what the implications were. The point is that no matter what the problems in a marriage are both parties have an absolute obligation to resolve them one way or another before finding another sexual partner. If there is a divorce first, of course that's different. But as long as the marriage remains intact, no matter how weak and torn-up the h and w feel it is, it's not OVER until its OVER, meaning that neither person has a right to have sex with anybody else.<BR>I look at it this way, like a cause and effect scenario:<BR>My Actions: I made bad decisions that made my husband feel unloved and sexually dissatisfied. The results of my actions: A breakdown in the marriage. <BR>My H's Actions: My h made the decision (for whatever reasons) to sleep with somebody else during the marriage.<BR>The results of h's actions: An illegitimate child was born that will cause the ow always and forever to be part of our lives.<P>As you can see when its broken down like that, my actions are not the ones that caused the affair itself. His actions are. There is no real relationship between my actions and the affair itself.<P>I do think that its important for you to realize the part you had in contributing to the poor atmosphere in the marriage, so that you can understand better why your h made such a bad decision to have an affair. BUT keep in mind the key words: HE MADE THE BAD DECISION TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. you didnt.<BR>Put this way, you can clearly see that you are not responsible for the affair, and therefore should not feel guilty for it at all. If you want to feel guilty for your part in making a poor marital atmospphere, fine. But that's where your guilt ends.<BR>Hope this helped...let me know what you think.<BR>With love,<BR>-cd

Not Giving Up,<BR>I dont know if this will help but I'll throw my two cents in. In my case I always tried to be in control of everything. I worried to much about making sure everything that needed to be took care of got taken care. In other words the old doormatt sinedrom. I thought by taking control of everything and not worry about me that I was showing my h how much I loved him. I think it has the oppossit affect thou it makes them feel not needed. What we had to do is from day one is work on the reasons we had grown apart that got us to where we where when it all fell apart. I found alot of misunderstandings come about when we dont make each other explain what the the person means when they say something you dont agree with. Alot of times its not what you think. I read something about men needing sex to show loveing feelings. Women need to be feel loved to want sex. Gees its no wonder so many people have problems. It sounds logical to me but I never thought about it we learn something new all the time. I have let a lot of the worrying about everything ride on h shoulders and let him do for me instead of him always being the taker. It is a big relief and he is much happier and feels needed. I dont think its my fault h choose to have sex with someone else only that I contribied to the reasons that it got to that point. Hope this helped with love flowerseed

Hello, <P>It's been awhile, but I was lurking today. I had the same problem at the beginning of finding out about the A my Partner had, but coming here made me realize one thing.<P>I agree with CDCollins, I contributed to the dismemboring of my relationship, I take fault of failing my relationship. We were both not happy also in our relationship.<P>I did nothing to fix it and just got behind a smoke screen and thought it would fix itself, but I did not make the decision to go find someone else to forefill my needs. <P>My partner made that decision all by himself, so the responsibility of that decision is all his own. It was not my fault. <P>We are all adults and we take fault for the individual choices we made. When you get married you vow to hang in there through thick and thin, good and bad. <P>So do not take fault for your H affair, that his mistake.<P>Do take responsibility of not attending to your marriage. To both of your needs. We sometimes get into too much of his needs and don't realize sometimes its also what your not getting that at times you can not give. Its a two way street. <P>At this point since you are here. You can take the initiative as you have by coming here to fix your marriage. Your needs as well as His. <P>BUT YOU CANNOT FIX HIS MISTAKE. HIS IS IN CONTROL OF HIM AND HIS CHOICES. NOT YOU!!!<P>Hope this help. I know once I took this attitude we have been doing great. We both realized we both contributed to the break down in our relationship. But he takes full and sole responsibility of the affair and realizes he is in control of these types of decisions and choices. <P>Hang in there. It does get better.