Today was not a good day. My world has shattered around me. I can't bare the pain. I need some comforting words from those of you who have helped me in the past and anyone who would like to jump in would be appreciated as well.<P>This morning we were supposed to pick up the OC after the circus. I asked H if the OW had called because I had spoken with her on Wednesday and asked her to leave me her cell number so I could call her Sat. morning since she said she wouldn't be home. He said she called him yesterday on his cell (I got home from work at midnight) to confirm Sat pickup.<P>For those of you that don't know my situation. The OW is supposed to come through me only for contact unless she calls the house in the evenings when both of us are home. <P>She breached this agreement once two weeks ago and I talked to her about it and she apologized and said it wouldn't happen again and she wasn't thinking. Well on Friday that was the second time. <P>When I asked my husband why he didn't mention to her our arangement he acted as if it wasn't a big deal. While I was getting the kids ready for the circus, he called the OW and told her we wouldn't be picking up OC. He didn't give a reason. As we were walking out the door she calls and asks me is it something she did. Duh! H gets on the phone just as we are getting our argument started and says we have to continue this later because we are running late.<P>Tonight she calls and we are all three on the phone when my husband breaks the news to me that he thinks that me being the only contact person is unreasonable. How humiliating. She chimes in that she thinks it is too. Well you all can imagine how I felt.<P>We all talked for about 45 minutes. Sometimes even he and I arguing in front of her. I could kill myself for allowing that to happen.<P>Then he and I agruged for another 1.5 hours after the call. His argument is that he didn't realize that she would only be calling once or twice a month and that isn't so unreasonable is he is doing everything he should be here at home. By the way, he has been exceptional about loving and caring about me. Our inside situation is more than I can hope for. It's the OW situation that has blown up. <P>Anyway... the arguement got really heated to the point he walked out. I was drinking wine and lost all composure and was begging him to stay... it got ugly. <P>So now I sit here... buzzed, depressed, sad and alone. <P>I hate this. God damn I hate this life that was chosen for me. Why in the world can't I see my way out of it. Why can't I have happiness again. Why can't he see this is killing me and I can't take the pain of him putting her in front of me? Because that's exactly how I feel... second rate. So what she wants to be able to call whenever, so what he wants her to be able to call whenever... what about me? what about how I feel. I swear I just want to drink the rest of that bottle and never wake up. I don't want to be in this hell anymore. It is eating me up from the inside out and I can't stand it. <P>I've tried everything I know to make it work for both of us and I can't seem to find the right combination. He and I are sooooo different. They both think soooo differently than I do... maybe they belong together. Maybe i am not the one for him and he's not for me. Can two people who are so different be together peacefully.<P>Both have plead loud and clear that they have moved on and don't want one another. But my human nature tells me to keep my defenses up anyway. But now I'm at the point I want to say... whatever... do what the f*** you want. Call her, she can call you... whatever makes you happy. Just continue to pay the bills, take care of the kids, f*** me when i'm horney, and everything will be fine.<P>here i lie, at the bottom of the bottom,<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Zebra:<P>What a terrible, terrible breach of your agreement.<P>To our husbands who have caused all these feelings in us of humiliation and insecurity and feeling second rate, their mantra is "It's no big deal", "Get over it", "I don't know why you're so upset about it".<P>I guess it is the seeming disrespect for our feelings and dismissing us and making us feel inconsequential that is so hard to take.<P>Zebra, it is my opinion that your husband breached the most important agreement of your marriage, except for your marriage vows. He was so wrong in what he did and the evil satisfaction the OW derived from hearing him change the rules with you in front of her is terrible. I suggest you two call the Harleys together and discuss this in a safe environment or make plans to attend a Retouvaille weekend or go somewhere where you can discuss these very, very important issues.<P>I have alway wondered, Zebra, those of you who have allowed the OC into your lives, if you ever regret it because of the constant contact with the OW. Do you ever think that by going along with contact, that this makes your spouse more prone to taking you for granted or forgetting what a gift you gave him be allowing him to come home after the affair, allowing him access to the OC, while all he had to do for you in return is allow you to act as intermediary?<P>Sometimes our spouses need to be brought back to square one and this can best be done with an experienced counselor in a safe setting.<P>Don't drink over this, Zebra. And don't beg him, if you can help it at all. You did the right thing to come here and post and vent and get it out so you can think more clearly. I will pray your husband has a revelation and you will gain strength and heal.<P>You're in my prayers<P>Catnip =^^=

Ah, Zebragirl, hold on tight. You have been too generous to both of them. I admire your willingness to take on the OC. When I learned about our OC I offered to adopt her, the OW would not hear of it. Then, I guess the thing in my favor is my H wanted to have anything to do with either. I guess our having 5 children by then of our own, may have influenced his decision. He was embarrassed by his actions with OW.<BR> This is the worst rollercoaster ride of your life and hopefully when you get off the landing point is where you want to be.<BR> I haven't gone back and re-read all of your posts, however were I in your shoes these are the steps I would take now:<BR> 1. Talk to a lawyer and find out everything you need to know if you were to go for a divorce.<BR> 2. Let him know you talked to a lawyer.<BR> 3. Insist you see a counselor, Find one who supports you and the tenets of this site.<BR> 4. Insist at the counselor's session the rules that will be adhered to concerning the OC and the OW. With the counselor's support, your H must understand how absurd he is being.<BR> 5. Finally, if he cannot keep the rules, than play the divorce card. Or, ask for a legal separation. I do not advocate divorce except as a last resort, unless you are doing it reasons like Catnip's. However, some spouses don't seem to get it until you start to play hardball.<BR>sometimes you have to play hardball to get the straying spouses attention<BR> 6.Most important - PAY ATTENTION TO YOURSELF! Remind him that you are a special person and if cannot treat you with respect and love, then there will be someone out there for you. (as well as your children, does he want someone else being called Daddy by HIS children? Mine did not want that).<BR>Lay in bed with him and ask him to visualize you in bed with a another man, a sexier man,; don't let him touch you while you describe what this man will do to you. Then after you go thru the whole fantasy, don't let him make love to you. Leave him with that vision. Think it might get him going and give him food for thought. Mine sure did not like the idea of someone else taking "his" place in MY BED.<P>Good luck and stay strong. Find a friend you can find to confide in. I had a friend who would laugh at me when I threatened to do a "Lorna Bobbitt". Remember you are stronger than you think.<P>I am TG.

(((((((((Zebrababy)))))))))))<BR>I read your post and just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. I am so sorry that you had so much drama. Oh how I hate drama!!!!!<P>When things are much calmer, you and your H must have a very long chat. For this marriage to work, it is VITAL that the two of you are the UNITED FRONT and that you guys make the decisions. If he had a problem with you being the only contact he should have told you and NOT discussed it with the OW. Never, ever, never include the OW in your decision making. A conversation with the three of you should never happen unless it's to tell her what the both of you have already decided. She has WAY too much input in the decision making process. Your marriage and family is between you and your H and not the OW. Your husband has to understand that. You two must come to an agreement that works for the two of you.......she is NOT a priority.<P>He has to understand that if he wants this marriage to work and if his only concern is the OC then there should be no problem with you being the go-between. In my opinion, some things are just not making sense. Zebrababy trust your gut on this. Listen carefully and pay attention and most importantly listen to your heart. <P>You will be in my prayers tonight. Sending you hugs and kisses!!!<P>

Oh Zebra baby...how horrible for you. <BR>Your husband thinks it is ridiculous huh...well the way I see it is that is just tough. He should be willing to do whatever it is that you want him to do to make you feel better and I think no contact with the hussy that attempted to destroy your marriage is not a whole lot to ask. I think if you were to ask him to stand on his head and juggle fire while reciting "How I love thee" then he better da** well attempt it and make it look good! Sometimes these H bewilder me!! I mean the nerve!<BR>You know what it is like? It is like sharing your h again. They are agreeing and looking at you like you are just immature and "golly gee, just get over it ...we have". It is sooooooo easy for them to "get over it". And I would keep my eye out for that ow of yours. Sounds to me like she is not over it. Maybe she doesnt want your h back but she sure seems to be egging things on. Why if her only concern is OC, then why in Gods name would she want to upset you? Makes no sense to me. You are going to be taking care of her child and if I were her I think I might want you to be a happy freakin camper while looking after the symbol of what Id done to your H. <BR>Sorry to go off on my soap box....kinda hit home ya know.<BR>I wish I had some magical wand that would make all this go away. Try talking to him again...soberly..and take the other suggestions about going to counseling and talking to Dr Harley etc. The fantasy suggustion gave a pretty funny mental image. I did that too, just not to that extreme. My H already thought I was halfway off my rocker and I am, but that is okie dokie with me Wouldnt want him to have me instatutionalized (sp).<BR>Anyway Zebra baby Ill pray for you and that would probably be one of the best things you could do also. God has done miraculous things in our situation. Also I think one of the best things you can do is to do for yourself. Improve yourself whereever it is you feel you need it. Me...I am finacially dependent on my H, so I am going back to school. If he ever does it again I will have more options. Meanwhile my self esteem has improved a lot.<P>Love and Prayers<P>broken_wings

My hands are soaked from the tears. thank you thank you for your words. i can't write more now, since i finished the bottle of wine. but i'm going to pray and sleep now.<P>i'll write tomorrow.<P>thank you.<BR>natalie

Z, <BR>There's not much else for me to say. I too have agreed to support my H in this, but I'm scared to death of having that decision backfire in my face. I'm afraid of the two of them making decisions that impact me. I would feel as though he betrayed me yet again. I do understand just how much you hurt right now. <P>Among some of the favorite responses I've read to your plea, I think the getaway is one of the best. Don't look at this as a loss, or a blow up, just a glitch in an all too f#$#ed up situation. So many things can and will go wrong. You and H arguing in front of xOW is bad, but in the final analysis, who gives a flying fig what she thinks! It's about you and your man!<P>Cool off. Get some rest (good advice for myself too, I'm dog tired but couldn't sleep) <BR>What I would do is ask him what he wants the whole thing to look like (communication, visitaiton, explaining to children, the whole gamut). If he's anything like my husband he'll take forever to answer, but let HIM answer that question. I think we're somewhat alike. We want what's best for everyone around, but sometimes we forget that we work at a much faster pace than everyone else. We want solutions, we want them implemented, and we want to move on. But unfortunately, in this situation we must excercise some patience. <P>Once he's able to communicate to you how HE wants this to work, you'll have to take the next step of explaining to him why you can or CAN NOT agree with what he wants. He should understand your position. The key is making him take responsibility for his actions and helping him come to the conclusion that your opinions and feelings matter. That's the only way any communication decision, or any other decision the two of you make will matter. I hope that helps and makes sense. It's 3:44 a.m. and I bet when I come back to read this reply tomorrow it won't make a bit of damn sense to me! (smile) <BR>None of this situation can EVER be about making OW feel supported. What's convenient for her is neither here nor there. It's what will keep your fragile marriage together is what's important. And if she can't respect that, then I'll bet that's just the first of many 'agreements' you have that she'll violate. <P>Oh yeah....pls stay away from the three of you discussing things w/ OW. We tried that and it didn't work. Our OW felt overpowered, which makes me feel wonderful, but we're now having to go through the courts to handle this mess. <P>You and your H have to fight it out. THEN and ONLY THEN should either of you be discussing w/ ow what will happen.<BR>Blessings to you Z

The others had great thoughts... So sorry.<BR>Prayers and angel wings to you,<BR>J<BR>

zebra,<BR>Oh how humiliating for you to be put in that position. I am so sorry that this has happened. Hope you are doing better today.

zebrababy, i agree with most of what has been said. what your H did was totally wrong. you had an agreement, and by him doing that, and in front of the OW, he has showed her that you guys have a weakness, and she can now cause more problems. she knew exactly what she was doing by calling you H. and she knew exactly what would happen. you and your H need to have a long talk and he needs to see why breaking your agreement was wrong. that the only thing you are asking for is to be the intermediary between him and the OW. after all he has done to you, that is the least he can do. my prayers for you zebrababy. hope you are doing better this morning.<P>happy_girl

Dear Zebrababy,<BR>I am in a bit of a writer's block apparantly because I can't think of anything good to say except that i am so sorry and that I will pray that your h realizes how great you are and how dumb he acted.<BR>One suggestion: How about a "code word" for in future calls to ow. If one of you starts to get upset during the call or even during the conversation, you just say the "code word" and you both end the call right there and then. That way ow never hears you argue in front of her again. <BR>-cd

zebra,<P>So sorry about all. OC s part of our lives too along w/OW. I would react just as you have if H behaved as yours did...especially in front of OW. Don't they realize that things like that give OW fuel?!? <P>Please know you are in my prayers.<P>love, anniem