We just got back from our trip to Nevada. Had good days, some not good days. Last night there I was suddenly overwhelmed with the whole OW/OC issue, and broke down crying while my kids were in motel room.They were stunned-wondered why I was crying. I could hardly stop-I know I am still very emotionally raw, but cannot help it. H wonders what happens, sometimes I don't think he gets the feeling of devasastation is with me always. I hate these feelings. H remains attentive, trying to be really with me. But this doesn't seem to be enough for me. HOw did you all heal-especially Jenny who seems to be doing so well 2 years out? How did tigger's H heal himself, especially accepting the child? This would really help me to know how to heal and accept husband's attempts to heal us. Is it just time? I know I keep going over and over the money we are paying for Cs and it kills me-1200 a month. I hate that-and think of all it has stopped for us.<P>The other thing-got back, looked through our mail, and low and behold, I saw what looked like a Hallmark card addressed to H, with writing that I thought might be OW and no return address. I do not know if she knows I know her address, but I do. I showed it to H, he said not to open it, he was pretty sure it was from OW-we think it is a card from OC, who is only 1, so keep in mind, the OW is writing it.She really expects him to continue to parent child, which he did a little of before I knew. He now has agreed to no contact forever, or until OC comes looking for him. I wanted to throw it out, without opening it, H did not want me to open it,although I really wanted to, for fear I would get more upset. WE jointly decided to send it back, put her address in return address slot, and state:return to sender, undeliverable to address." I like the fact we did this together, and she will get message he wants no contact. Do you think this is a good idea? Let me know.

lsb, i think it is great that you both sent back the card. if you hadn't, she would have thought that he opened it, he should have wrote on it, in case she knows his writing. but either way, she will get it back, and know it went unopened. you should feel good that he hadn't opened it, i would. take care.<BR> <BR>happy_girl

I also think you guys handled it perfectly.<P>It really helped my H and I heal a bit when ever it seemed we were on a team against her. We were together again and including each other makes you feel a bond again. Hooray for the two of you.<P>Time also helps. I wish I were as good as Jenny. I am 2 years in and still it hurts. But I printed our Harleys questinaires. We have not done them yet, but I started looking over the Love Busters one and I realize I am the one making our marriage difficult now. My H had almost no Love Busters on a weekly or in some cases monthly basis. It was mostly me. He is what most would consider almost perfect now. I realized how much he has tried to improve himself after this and I have decided it is time I give him credit for the hard work he has done. Although it is very hard now for me to tell him this.<P>So God Bless and be patient.<P>broken_wings

Gosh, since I'm mentioned by name a couple times here, I feel compelled to reply something! As the saying goes: "I feel your pain" (no sarcasm intended! I really do!) ISB, I think you and H did the right thing by dealing with card TOGETHER! Q., have you guys sent any kind of letter notifying XOW of what your new stand is re: the OC? If not, I'd give her official notice and then any more contact can be recorded as harrassment on her part, in case you have to get a restraining order later. <P>How did my H and I heal? I think the key is we DEALT with it... we didn't minimize or ignore what happened or the problems in our relationship, and H accepted 95% of the blame (as he should!). <P>We talked a lot about what led up to and contributed to H's affair. We used a lot of tips from the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring IMMEDIATELY, and I got counseling just for me IMMEDIATELY (after DDay)... we had couples' counseling for a months after that, (until the counselor basically said you guys are fine, call me if you need me). I made a list of all the things I required of H (like getting a cell phone so I could call him anytime, no solo contacts with XOW/OC, telling me his negative feelings instead of avoiding conflict etc), and H has done them all faithfully, which rebuilds trust. I felt free to express my hurt for months, and he always expressed remorse and love, so healing could progress. With time, I tried hard to only bring XOW/OC up around times of contact or stress. We printed out the Harley questioniarres (Love Busters and Emotional Needs) from this site and I learned A LOT from these!!! Please use them!! I went to all the websites and books that I could find, looking for professional advice. I read at <A HREF="http://www.affairs-help.com" TARGET=_blank>www.affairs-help.com</A> what the different types of affairs are and found out what H's was. We had a 'healing ceremony' (which I described in CD's post "things are sure slow around here"), and later renewed our vows. We also read some general relationship books, like Light His/Her Fire and Men are From Mars,... Read about the stages of grief, too, because that is what you are doing: grieving what you thought your relationship was and had.<P>I obsessed about the XOW for the first 2 years. She was a "friend" who spent tons of time with my family for 3 years yet never apologized for nearly destroying my family. It helped that she quit sending harrassing emails about 1 year ago, after I wrote her a particular letter. The key to stop the obsessing, I think, is to engage deeply in other things, positive things you really care about: your relationship (take dancing lessons together!) kids (play with them--they grow so fast!), hobbies(what are you passionate about?). I've got so much going on in my life, who has time to worry about HER anymore?! <P>Your actions in this world are like a rock in a pool, sending ripples far beyond. I had plenty of violent and nonviolent revenge fantasies(!), but I'm glad I didn't act on any of them. I didn't lower myself to her nasty gutter level and I can hold my head up before my High Power.<P>So, I think: open the wound wide open to the fresh air... talk about it 'til you can't stand it any more and then talk about it some more!! An understanding repentant spouse is a big help here! Eventually you should be able to move on.<P>It probably helps that we don't live anywhere near the XOW/OC, and unless you're sharing custody, I recommend moving, too, and especially get rid of any "momentos" and reclaim any of those things/places that trigger your or H's pain.<P>No one thing works for everyone. Take what works and leave the rest.<BR>God bless all our marriages! <BR>J

Hey lsb,<BR>I think Jenny's advice is wonderful (got some tips for myself) but I do think you guys handled it great. She must always see a united front. <P>God bless.

Dear isb,<P> Your decision is perfect, you handled the situation perfectly, your logic was perfect because;<P> You and your husband made a joint decision!!<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Thanks, Leelee, you just made all that typing worth it