Therapy is such a wonderful thing ./ you find out new things daily.today in our couples' counseling, issue of my feelings toward OW came up. I of course hate her. H cannot get over the hate I feel for her-says it is so unlike me and he worries hate will eat me up. I agree I need to get past it, but not till I have felt it all and I doubt I will ever feel differently about OW. He, on the other hand, says he still "cares" for her-although other days he doesn't think of her at all. Mainly cares she lives well enough for OC to live well. It hurts me- I know in Hartley's book he talks of withdrawal of H from OW, and needs time to do it, but I told him as long as he has feelings for her, even though he isn't acting on them, it still feels like he is not totally committed to me-and I need to hear he is totally committed to me. So maybe he needs to process his feelings for her, and go through that, before we heal, just as I need to process my anger at him for what he has done before we can heal. Therapist really understands that-even though we both are committed to repair marriage and H says when he cried the other night, he wasn't crying thinking of OC but thinking he would lose me and our children, not OC. I thought his tears were about OC. so hearing it was about me and our kids made me feel good-closer to husband's committment to our family.<BR>Anyway, I would like to know if any of you had H who still care about OW at least in terms of relationship to quality fo life for OC, or withdrew from the emotional connection to OW . I know some of your H"s only had one night stands, but for my h it was a fantasy life for nearly 3 years that evolved into a true love affair, albeit a fantasy one that did not have elements of a true life like he and I had. I also would like to hear how you rebuild your life together while you still have moments of loss and anger.I have days I can see the end of the tunnel, and days I am so angry that my life was thrown this curve that I hate it.Therapist told my H this will take years to heal, he needs patience,a s do I. What can you all tell me about your own experiences with all this?

Hi there...mine also was living "fantasy life". He was in a whole other state for about 15 months (army). Ow came into his life (thru work) and started buying him lunch and surprising him with different stuff and "i know it must suck eating in the chow hall of out all the time...why dont you come over tonight and ill make you dinner". That kind of crap. Well they would all also party over there (even though she had a 4 yr old daughter) which I find disgusting.<P>They became "friends". Until one fateful they all got drunk an dI guess he accidently slipped into bed with ow. The next morning he says he just walked around for hours feeling guilty and I guess ultimately he decided "screw it...what does it matter now. I have already screwed up." She also used pity as a means of guilt. "nobody loves her" kind of crap. She told him she loved him and vice versa. She was really obsessed, an di dont know what he was doing.<P>I wouldnt classify it as a "soul mate" affair bc he was mean to her (by her own admittance). She told me that he always made her feel like sh** bc he would tell her that no matter what she would never be as good as me and i was prettier than her and yada yada yada. My thing is why would any one want to be 2nd best, esp when you arent being treated good. But whatever....noone said she was a logical person.<P>Anyway, after I found out he finally managed to get out of there and we (H and I and our D) moved to Ga. I think he had a hard time letting go of "caring for her". He would only call her like 1 time every 3 or 4 weeks to see if oc was ok (not born yet). Then when he finally gave her our phone all heck broke lose. She called at least every other day...and he couldnt just tell her to quit. He would fight and argue with her constantly, but just wouldnt hang up the phone. and ladies I mean this was a constant in our lives. So I think he felt really guilty about what he did to me an dour daughter and she made him feel guilty about her and future oc. She told him he abandoned her and of course he never told me any of this. and after a while he felt like he had just made every ones life completely miserable and wanted nothing to do with me or her. She was a constant reminder of what he did to me and i was a constant reminder of how bad he had hurt me.<P>I couldnt imagine how he had lived such a split life and therapy helped us with that too.<P>What was the final cut was when she said some horrid vulgar things to me and i was not strong at the time at all. THese things nearly broke me in half and he felt she had intentionally tried to hurt me and he was not standing for that. He cut off the phone and all other ways for her to contact us. He initiated no contact and that is when our marriage started healing. NO CONTACT.<P>I feel like I am really rambling...hope this made sense...lol<P>Love and Prayers<P>bw

My Husband never really had an emotional attachment to the ow, His problem is that he always wants to be the good guy and that is why he can't tell her to get lost, I had to write her a letter with his knowledge and mail it because he couldn't do it, he can't stand her but he won't tell her that and it drives me crazy that I have to be the one, She knows he helped write the letter but it is not the same as him telling her, I totally understand what you are talking about

ISB,it totally drives me crazy when H says of oc "WE did this to you, not just her" In a way he's right. He begged her to abort....she said no, so I say in reference to oc...SHE did it.<P>However he has no emotional ties to ow. Said he "hates to even think about what happened"<P>Given that I still see attachment for life to ow through C.<P>He just can't "pay only" if it's his and for the life of me I do not understand how he thinks visiting would be like a few hours of golf to me.<BR>I would be crazy w/jealousy. <P>I wish I could change my mind.<P>I miss him.<P>I love him.<P>I just can't put myself through THAT for the rest of my days.<P>Seems as if your H is dedicated to you now, not ow.<P>He's WITH you and helping you cope through this f'n nightmare.<BR>Honey it's a good thing my H moved out. I'd be "lovebusting" all over the place. I just can't seem to "let go " of my anger about C.<P>I truly have forgiven A. It was purely physical. If not for threat of C being his I know we'd work this through.<P>ISB, he met w/her about 8 or 9 times over a little over a years time. Sex in her car's backseat. I'd have made an om at least get me a room somewhere.<BR>No gifts. No dates. Only sex. She did buy him a few boxes of pricey cigars....I often wondered who he thought he was buying a box of cigars for 125.oo .<P>Don't feel bad for your emotions. You can't help it.<P>Gosh I feel like you so much.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited April 21, 2001).]

Isb<BR>(former name on site "IT THE SOUTH")<P>H had an PA for at least 2 years. To me it had to be EA also. Out of this 2 boys were born. Found out about 1st oc 12/99-cs paper came to house. H works out of town. Found out about 2nd oc 9/00. h has bonded with oc's, which in a way I hate bc I know that H will take care of his c's and oc's bc he knows that it is the right thing to do, which I feel also.<BR>I think that our faith in god and our love for each other has overcome a lot of problems.<BR>H has answered a lot of questions that I had, but is just now comming around and actually taking about oc's. He calls the ow, the mother. There are no feeling for oc anymore. H realize that ow thought that he would leave wife and children and go to her---NOT. She had her hold on him that if I found out, I would leave him...<P>I think it was not a fantasy, just something/someone different---a change but not a good change. At least he can say that he made a mistake (2 to be exact)and because of the mistakes, lives were changed. <P>Also, please pray for us--H goes to court on 5/2, not sure what to expect with two oc's.

My H says it's all about oc ,but there are many things that he could do differntly.Such as have me or 3rd party involved for visits. But, he has withdrawn from ow considerably in the last 9 months, so I can't complain about that progress. She used to live about 15 minutes away, but moved and hour and a half away 10 months ago. She still relies on him to help her with other things, but that has also slacked way off. But I still thinks he cares whether she lives or dies, but not nearly as much as he used to. He has a lot of disgust for hernow.