I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. Many of those months we spent apart because of his military service. We were/are totally in love, the whole nine yards. Had plans of marriage and a family. He is a good guy, not the stereotypical cheating sailor or anything like that. Problem: He went to the war in Iraq, got really emotionally and physically messed up, and cheated on me w/ a girl in Perth and then lied to me about it. He has since told me everything and I believe him to be sincere when he says that he was so screwed up in the head from all the horrors he witnessed out there that he lost his feelings, even for me. That he cared about nothing and was scared to death of getting sent back out there. When he came home it took a while for him to feel like a person, not a machine. Here's some extra info, when we first got together I was on the rebound from another breakup and I went a bit wild and cheated on him while he was away and he took me back immediately, although I didn't hide it from him. We are not bad, sleazy people. I'm a good girl and I was completely faithful to him while he was away in the war. And he is not a bad guy, he has the kindest heart I know. But can I forget how he hurt me? I know he's trying his best to fix things but I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT HE DID!!!!!!! I've cried and yelled and screamed everyday for the past two months!! He has stuck w/ me through all the screaming and fighting. What the hell do I do? I love him, and I know he adores me. But is it possible to get over this pain?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has stuck w/ me through all the screaming and fighting. What the hell do I do? I love him, and I know he adores me. But is it possible to get over this pain? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, stop screaming and fighting...that will get you nowhere. Find another way to vent where you will not continue to destroy your relationship. Posting here is a great start.

Second, how can you be so angry at him for cheating after cheating on him? I realize this is now a different stage of the relationship, but if you are looking to get over the pain, it might help to consider his circumstances. In addition, you need to find out if there was any other reason he cheated...i.e. not having ENs met or not being ready for the intensity and seriousness of your relationship.
Of course he couldn't have his ENs met while at war. He probably never would have cheated if you were there by his side. My fear would be if he was sent back to war, would he...could he act differently? He's basically claiming temporary insanity--something he could not have prevented and probably could not prevent in the future. I have never been to war, but if ever there was a cause for temporary insanity, that's one of the top ones I can think of.
As for not being ready for the intensity of the relationship, that could be an issue. When my BF cheated on me (at about 10 months and while living long distance) he was drunk and at a party. I focused on the circumstances to get over it, but it turns out he wasn't admitting to himself that he wasn't quite ready for what we had. We are dealing with those issues now (at 4.5 years).

Third, the "cheating sailor" stereotype is probably exactly what you are dealing with. That's not to say your BF is a bad person, but rather that those "cheating sailors" are not bad people. Their circumstances lend themselves to that lifestyle...it isn't necessarily their personality or background that results in cheating, but rather the social environment and unbelievable emotional trauma.

bump in the road or dead end?
I think it is what you make of it. You have to choose which route you want and make the decision to work toward it. You cannot hold this against him for the rest of your lives if you choose to salvage the relationship. You need to let it go just as he was forced to do when you cheated on him. It will take time to forgive and you will probably never forget, but personally, I think this is a bump in the road...likely one of many you will encounter together.

The pain will go away and it will go away a lot quicker if you allow it to. If you keep fighting, kicking, and screaming, it's going to hang around longer. If you can begin to accept what he is saying, you will heal quicker. It's up to you, though.

Last, please check out the following thread.
New Member Thread.
This will be very helpful to you.

Hang in there...I've been in your shoes and I know how much it hurts. If it makes you feel any better, it does not hurt, anymore. I have forgiven him, am very much in love, and hope to marry him soon.

Smile

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: SmileADay ]</small>

Hi, thanks so much for your reply, it helped. I guess I need to hear from others that this kind of thing can be survived and the relationship will get stronger and flourish. About commitment...I think we were both rushing into things we weren't ready for but didn't realize it. He has said he wanted to marry me since we met but he realizes he (and I) have a lot to work on before that can happen, plus we're only 23 and 24. I know that what happened was the partially the result of mental/emotional/physical trauma. He said that he lost touch w/ reality and I seemed like an unattainable dream. Anyway, I appreciate the words of encouragement and hopefully we will be able to go on with the relationship. thanks again.

Seahorsegirl, I truly wish you luck and strength. MB is a great place for people like you and me who can use it to prepare rather than repair. The concepts are logical and built on a firm pro-marriage foundation.
Take some time to explore this web site...read everything. Despite your mistakes, I think that if you use the concepts of POJA, ENs, and LBs, you'll build a strong marriage. We've got a great chance to get our marriages off on the right foot.
Take care!
Smile