Hi all,<P>I am not trying to be melodramatic here. I truly think that I am on the slippery slope of severe depression.<P>How can I be getting more depressed even though I am on anti-depressants, tranquilizers and mood-stabilizers?<P>Finally getting notice in April that we were disapproved for the adoption we had once been approved for was a hideous blow. We aren't even allowed to write to the boys and tell them how much we loved them and wanted to adopt them. I decided to throw myself into my work as a project lead at a computer company to take my mind off of all of this. I thought (and my manager thought) that I was doing a great job. Through ugly office politics, I have lost 2/3 of my project and employees to another manager but not until he had smeared my reputation way up the corporate ladder. This job would have put me in line for a large promotion and another 10 to 15 K per year plus it blew my chances for a huge bonus when the project is complete.<P>I just feel like everytime I start to get solid ground under me again, I get beat back down.<P>I cry 4 or 5 times a day (no wonder I am not the best employee ever), I find it hard to make eye contact, can't keep up my end of a conversation, drift while I am driving and lose track of where I am. I am sleeping all the time and overeating (as opposed to the last time I was depressed and I lost a lot of weight and didn't sleep). I skip work and play hookey. My manager won't have any tolerance for another leave of absence like I had when I first learned of my H's affair.<P>I am starting on prednisone because my rheumatoid arthiritis, tendonitis and fibromyalgia are out of control. (They aren't caused by stress, but are definitely made worse by it.) I am living in pretty bad constant physical pain, not to mention the spiritual, emotional pain. Prednisone usually makes me a complete whacko. What a time to have to take it.<P>I can't pray. I haven't been to church in a month because I just cry. I am stymied. I have nothing to say to God who has been my Rock and my Salvation through all of the traumas of the past year. Where will I be if I lose my faith?<P>I think I had been see my shrink pronto. I am not suicidal, but it is very hard to distinguish what is normal grief over the disrupted adoption and what is depression.<P>Please please pray for me. Pray extra hard because I can't seem to. What worked last time was to sing songs of praise; they worked when I had no words for the pain of learning of my husband's A and child.<P>Mrs. Job

I am sending hugs and uplifting thoughts in your direction Mrs. Job. You will be in my prayers.<P>You are a strong woman - and you can get through this!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Dear Mrs. Job,<P>I am sorry for the deep dark place that you are in. A lot of us have been there. Please try to pray if you can...<P>I will be praying for your situation. Sometimes medication needs to be adjusted. Be careful with the tranquilizers, they are depressants, I don't know if you drink, but alcohol is also a major depressant. I hope I am not offensive, it's just that I would like to help any way I can. I know how desperate you feel, I have been there, and thankfully back.<P>Please don't be offended by my response, I haven't been here that long, but I have been trying to read up on people, if I've missed something about you, I'm sorry. <P>Please try to take care of yourself.<BR>Love,<BR>MoJo

Hey Mrs. J,<P> See your doctor ASAP! <P> Your physical problems alone could cause you to be depressed, as could the medications you are taking.<P> Then pile on the stress of your Hs' A, the loss of the kids you were trying to adopt, and God knows what else!!<P> Get some help!!!! This is too much for a person to try to handle on their own!!<P> Please, go see your Dr., and tell him what you are trying to cope with. It's too much.<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Dear Mrs. Job,<P>I have been in deep depression like you, so I know what you are going through. I have gone to work and sat in the ladies' room for 1/2 hour crying my eyes out. And, I have nearly blown major cases because I simply could not concentrate on what I was doing. It is a painful and dark time you are going through. But, there are people here who understand you.<P>We have so much in common. I remember so well the feelings of desperation when I was going through infertility treatments and the pain of wanting children but not having any. It was at this lowest point in my life when my H turned up with this OC with the OW. There was such rage inside me. I had lived a good life, done everything I was supposed to do and yet it seemed that God had forsaken me.<P>You have suffered tremendous setbacks both in your personal life and your work life. You deserve your grief to a point. I found that reading inspirational books and books about relationships truly helped me to start getting my perspective back. The wisdom in those books started to give me the confidence that I needed to fix my marriage and make things right again.<P>Gregg is so right -- see your doctor right away. You may be taking too many medications that conflict with each other and they are making you feel worse instead of better. <P>I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you lost the opportunity to parent those children. It is the same as miscarrying a baby. You had hopes and dreams for those children and yourselves as a family. It has only been about 2 months since you found out. That is not an unreasonable period of time to grieve. But, the important thing to do now is to continue to move forward toward your goals.<P>Have you looked into other options for adoption? A different agency? Private adoption? Or, are there any infertility treatments that you still have not tried. Start reading about new developments. Look on the internet at the medical sites. <P>It hurts to start putting your heart again into the process for fear of being rejected. But, it also hurts to do nothing when you want a family so much. You would be a terrific mom and you deserve all the chances that you can get.<P>Take some quiet time and talk with yourself about where you want to go from here. Set your goals and develop a plan. Perhaps once you get focused it will be easier to get back onto track. Read everything you can about relationships. There is so much wisdom out there that can really help to guide you.<P>We're here for you, Mrs. Job. And, if you want to e-mail me to discuss infertility treatments privately, please feel free to do so at rosepell@ivillage.com<P>I am going to offer extra prayers for you this weekend. Although you feel lost right now, and you feel distanced from God, He is carrying you right now. And He will continue to do so until you are able to stand and walk along side Him again. And you will. One day soon you will.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Dear Mrs. Job,<P>There is a wonderful resource centre on internet for infertility, miscarriage, high-risk pregnancy -- it covers all sorts of topics and problems. There is also an e-mail forum to ask questions and talk to others in your situation.<P>The link is <A HREF="http://www.inciid.org" TARGET=_blank>http://www.inciid.org</A> <P>Check it out, you might find some useful information there about your particular infertility problem.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Hey Mrs. J,<P> Gotta hit the rack. Check in after breakfast, OK, Kiddo?!!!<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Gregg,<P>do you ever go to sleep? <P>I think that the work situation was enough to tip the scale back to depression and the chronic pain of arthritis, osteoporsis with old spinal fractures, the fibromyalgia and chronic tendonitis have not helped. I don't know why all those chronic pain illnesses cluster together, but the rheumatologist says that they do and that of course, stress makes them worse. I think I may see a support group about living in chronic pain. I already use a lot of mind/body/soul techniques. I combine lots of prayer, meditaion sessions, Bible reading, Chrisitian writings on grace and the problem of pain/suffering. I don't use my church as well as I could because I don't want anyone to know what a mess my life has become. I don't want people to pity me. My minister says my pride prevents people who care about me from helping me.<P>I saw my family physician yesterday and told him the whole story--H's affair, the OC, his job loss, financial trouble, loss of kids, etc. He said that grief/major life crisis on top of depression is a double whammy and it is often hard to wort out which is which, but I know the difference between the two. But I know. Grief doesn't mean flat, flat, flat. I will call my shrink on Tuesday and get the next available cancellation. I see my counselor next Wednesday night and we see the marriage counselor on Thursday. I am so flat, my emotions are flat, my facial expressions are flat, my thoughts are flat, wish my a** was flat too I have horrible nightmares about the boys drowning and being swept away by a river and I can't save them because the current is too strong and I would die in order to save them and also sexual, sinful, homosexual, hedonistic dreams. They are the exact opposite of the way I would choose to live my life. I hate dreaming.<P>Our marriage is finally starting to turn the corner and I am slipping away. Trapped under the Bell Jar. My H is finally coming out of his affair fog, working on our marriage and his narcissism issues, we have the OW under control, he is about to get a big, big job with huge salary that will allow us to crawl back out of the financial hole of huge child support and a year of H's unemployment due to his depression, tumor surgery, and guilt over his A. <P>I have been awake 10 minutes and I am already crying. I don't understand. I was dealing so well until the job thing last week. I had huge grief over the disrupted adoption, but no depression. I was holding onto my job as a place to put my energy and grief. If I can't have kids, I will have job success. I have to stop thinking of how the other manager beat me by smearing me.<P>I wake up so sore from the arthritis and fibromyalgia that sleep almost isn't worth it. Mornings are the worst time for both.<P>I promise that I will be at church this Sunday. Someone hold me to it. I will also get to the pool twice this weekend. Someone can hold me to that too.<P>I will open my hymnal and sing today. When I have no words of prayer of my own, I sing other peoples'. I read the Psalms of praise. I read the book of Job, which really isn't about pain, but is about faith despite pain and suffering. This has helped before; I am sure that it will help again.<P>Thank you all for the prayers and words of support. They mean more than you can know.<P>Mrs. Job<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited May 26, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I can't pray. I haven't been to church in a month because I just cry. I am stymied. I have nothing to say to God who has been my Rock and my Salvation through all of the traumas of the past year. Where will I be if I lose my faith?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Mrs Job it sounds as if you need a change in your meds. I'm not a doctor but my sister had problems and a change in meds made all the difference in the world.<P>As far as prayer....a few weeks ago I had a huge problem with my prayers. Empty words,you know? I just said the "Our Father" over and over and told God I just didn't know what else to do. He quickly showed me results. I became re-newed in my faith again.<P>I also cried in church. I haven't gone to mass but read my bible daily. I am very close to God now.<P>You have gone through so much. To not be allowed to write to the boys is terrible. Don't you wonder what the poor guys must feel? What's wrong with adults? It's sickening.<P>I will pray for you.<P>Do let us know how things go.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Mrs. Job,<BR>I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I dont know anything about the med I was never on any. For me I have such a hard time feeling alive that I didnt want to take anything to take away the little energy that I can conjur up. This takes so much out of a person its hard to believe unless your living it just how much life can be sucked out. <BR> Have you ever thought about getting a hottub for your rheumatoid arthiritis we just got one last summer. It really is soothing when your day seems to much to handle.<BR> I'm so sorry about the boys I can only imagine how much of a let down that has got to be.<BR> I know what your feeling with the job situation. We have been so excited about my h new job and the profit sharing he was to get at the end of the past yr. He has worked his butt off putting all his energy into building this part of the business for the company only to be screwed out of the money he was supposed to get. What they have done has wiped out our dreams for now. I dont know how people live with themselves that can be so greedy. We are back to not knowing how were going to make it. He is going on his own the first chance he gets and they will lose everything he has built up for them. <BR> Everytime we get beat down we just have to find a new way to get back up.Someday things have got to get better.Hope your having a better day today huggs to you. <BR> with love flowerseed

Hey Mrs. J,<P> Glad to hear you are going to see your Dr., and are involved with support groups. <BR> Man! You are dealing with more issues than any ten people I know! Make some time for Mrs. J, once in a while. Take some time to do something special for you!<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Hey Mrs. J,<P> Oh, by the way, I do sleep,**** at work!!<P><BR> (Not reallyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Gregg!<P>Aren't you a nurse anethestist (SP?) Are you sure you aren't sniffing some of that happy gas that your patients are supposed to get?<P>Mrs. Job

Hey Mrs. J,<P> You spelled it right! I have been sniffing a litlle gas, but I think it's methane! ( Had cabbage last night, sorry.)<P><BR> God bless you ( Pewww),<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

<P> Could somebody open a window, please?<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Mrs. J,<BR>Did your dr. or counselor recommend any medications? I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.<P>Dear Lord thank you for blessing Mrs.J now as we hold her up to your Light and Healing Love. She needs You and Your peace. May angel wings enfold her as she heals. In Jesus' name, amen.

Hey Jenny, <P> Amen!<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

OK, so I didn't make it to the pool today, but I did take a codeine (don't worry, I don't use much and don't have an addiction) and did about 4 hours of gardening today. I planted marigolds in my planters, raked the lawn and prepared it for seeding, seeded it, spread top soil on top of the new seed.<P>I prayed (but not very much or effectively). So tomorrow is church (I sing in the choir) and then the pool and if I am able, more garden work.<P>I am doing my best to do the things that I enjoy, not just the things I have to do.<P>Thank you for all the support and prayers. Today was a better day than yesterday.<P>Oh, I ordered a total gym from the TV. The doctor has written a prescription to physical therapy and I want to build in some resistance training. The 30-day trial ought to tell me if this is something I will be able to do.<P>Mrs. Job

Dear Mrs. Job,<P>Good for you! Although your heart may not have been in it, it is good that you are doing some things that you enjoy. One day at a time, Mrs. Job -- that's all you need to do is take it one day at a time. Pretty soon you will be surprised that you are actually enjoying the activities that you used to enjoy!<P>Your life has hit some pretty tough turbulence, but you will come through it. And, we won't let you down. We'll keep holding you until you can stand on your own.<P>May God continue to bless you and help you through this crisis in your life.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Hey Mrs. J,<P><BR> Bet you have a beautiful voice! Singing is good for the soul!!<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg