need opinions please about if I should begin this type of conversation. Thanks<BR> kris

GO FOR IT!!!

Kris,<P>I'm a firm believer in, if you feel it say it. But be prepared for an answer you don't want. I surely have had a few of those in my day.<P>good luck,<BR>Z.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Do it Quaker!!!! better now than later.<BR>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Thank you for all your advice...<P> I actually have till next Friday (unless he cancels again because his business really cranks up around a holiday, it is very tourst orientated) to mull this all over. For someone with a lot of confidence usually I am VERY cautious right now. Anytime during this whole mess my husband thought I was trying to back him into a corner he withdrew. I know I'll get the furthest taking things slow. But as our therapist reminds me I have to decide what I want also, not just concentrate on him changing his behavior. I just wonder if I'm being selfish right now. Our work schedules are kind of opposite. Because I'm a teacher I have the summer off but because he works in the Hamptons things really crank up then. Am I pushing because now I have more mental time to pick at things at a time when he has very little mental time? Who can guess? I may start this as another thread when I get more time. But thanks again for all your help. This is my lifeline.<P> Kris

Welllll ... you asked for my opinion so that is what you are going to get... and remember that it IS tempered with the MB and many other principles for rebuilding marriages.<P>Patience and baby steps recover marriages. Setting boundaries respectfully and in joint agreement help with recovery and with moving recovery into the rest of your lives.<P>Impatience, ultimatums and demands of any kind will force decisions. More often than not, those decisions are based on the resentment of being forced into them than in any real emotion or thought about those decisions.<P>Add an affair, a child, mix well and you have goop. No, I know it isn't funny at all - it's a true mess. You have not been "working" on this for very long (this particular part of it, I mean), and I feel that introducing any kind of ultimatum or forced decision will force him away no matter what his feelings really are. It seems pretty clear that his self-eteem is in the toilet, that you are a real go-getter, and that right now, if you REALLY WANT A CHANCE for reconciliation, you are going to have to temper your impatience for a concrete "sign" from him for a while longer.<P>Kris, I haven't a clue as to how this will work out for you. And it may just be possible that you will invest another 3-6 months in this and have a permanent split after that anyway. BUT, if that is what happens, you will be able to look back at this and say: "I am proud of myself. I learned to have the patience I need in a relationship. I gave my marriage EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE CHANCE IT COULD HAVE." You will have peace in your soul knowing that, and you will have acquired more skills that you can use to have a rewarding, loving and passionate relationship with someone else in the future.<P>And this is, of course, IMNSHO. <BR>(In My Not So Humble Opinion)<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri - Thank you... you are the voice of reason and wisdom. I know everything you are saying is right. I KNOW that I have to take my time. It is like I have the angel and devil sitting on each shoulder duking it out. One councils patience and the other says, "Why should I?" What I really want is true chance at reconsiliation. I think I'm going to have to keep very busy this summer so I don't obsess. I also think that I still feel so angry, betrayed etc. that I feel the need for some symbol etc. It is very difficult for me 14 months into this to not see my husband feel any remorse over the pain he caused myself and children. Part of the problem is all this patience goes against my very basic nature and it is very difficult to do. But you are right ... I havn't been in the counseling part of it for too long. I know that we have so much to work through that it will take time. Thank you again, If I feel the need for a boot in the [censored] I'll post to you directly.<BR> Kris

Anytime.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>