How many of you are have been in recovery for years? If find myself in need of hope. Would you guys be willing to print some of your story or atleast how many years in recovery and how you marriages are now after A. I think this might be a good post for us newbies, especially those of us going through the hard initial months. Yes, this is a cry for help-just HOPE. Thank you for your responses. For some reason, I seem to have more hope for future when I hear others have been through it and they're are still w/ spouses, or their marriages are better than before.<P>THANK YOU,<BR>IVC

Maybe try the recovery board (though they are not dealing with our particular set of circumstances) Also remember as time lessens the wounds people post less and less. I think of the people I know posting here Texasgirl has been in recovery for long time (sorry TG if I'm wrong). I'd love to hear ANY success stories also.<BR> Kris

Dear IVC,<BR>I can remember being where you are at right now, wondering if ANYBODY survives this kind of thing. I didn't know about marriagebuilders, and I didn't know of a single person whose marriage had withstood an affair, much less an affair that produced a child. It was extremely difficult in the early days to believe that things would ever work out for us.<P>I am almost 5 years into it, and I can attest that it really can work out. Not only is my marriage better, but my husband is a changed man. When the affair was going on, I would have been content to "get him back" just the way he was, which in retrospect, wasn't all that great . I could never have imagined that he would someday be such a wonderful husband and father. It's like God made a list of all the qualities I needed to see in him, and doubled it. And I am a better person because of it too. I'm a more loving wife, and a better mother to our children. Sometimes, it takes a real catastophe to make you realize how precious your family is. And although oc issues (namely cs) are tough to deal with, we now know we can handle ANYTHING together. I still wish the affair had never happened, but in some ways it has changed everything about us - all positively.<P>A lot of people say that it takes at least a year for a bs to get through the worst part of it. For me, it took a little longer. I'd say I was very traumatized for about two and a half years before real healing began. I know that seems like an eternity of suffering, but in a way, it's kind of like childbirth. The end result is so beautiful that it's sometimes hard for me to really remember how bad the pain was.<P>You CAN get through this, IVC. Just keep hope alive in your heart, maintain faith, and be very patient. <P>Hope that helped a little,<BR>-cd<p>[This message has been edited by cdcollins (edited June 23, 2001).]

Thanks Quakermom for your support, hopefully we can get more responses, but I know your assumptions about the frequency of posting are very true. I do believe you are correct about Texasgirl. I believe that when I first started lurking and/or posting she had written somewhere that she was several years in recovery. We to shall survive this. I have a bookmark that I keep close to me. It says "God will never place you where the grace of God can't keep you". It gives me strength.<P>CDCollins, you are ALWAYS a source of inspiration and strength! Everynow and then I share some of your posts or responses with my h. WE both appreciate you suggestions and encouragement. I wish you weren't losing your internet service. It really is a lifeline to have this discussion group on the MB. EVERYONE here is a GODSEND! Sharing your stories and responding to others provides so much support. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>ivc<p>[This message has been edited by IVC (edited June 23, 2001).]

I really feel your pain and frustration. It's been almost 6 years since my husband's affair. He has claimed all along that he and my BEST FRIEND were only emotionally involved. She had only been married 6 months and her husband was (and is) my H's partner in business. It was a totally devastating experience. We ended up being separated for 9 months. I have never been so depressed or betrayed. And they both acted like I was the one at fault. All I did was ask them both to stop, etc. She has since moved far away (thank God). It took me about 2 years to rebuild trust. We went to both individual counseling and marriage counseling. Then last summer he started to act the same way, very distant, saying he didn't love me, etc. He even said he was thinking of moving in with his partner (the husband of the OW!) I don't know how they've stayed friends this long.<P>Anyway, since that time I've been very suspicious and hurt. We are both in counseling again and I finally told the counselor that this whole A thing has to be resolved once and for all. It was never an issue in our former counseling which drove me nuts. So now, I had to bed and plead for it to be looked at. This week we are going and he is to tell me the truth, and I'm sure it was physical. It makes me sick. I had a miscarriage last year and the doctor ?d why my insides are so scarred and asked if I could have had some type of infection. I didn't have any adhesions the last time I had a laparascopy done. I can't have kids, they think it could be endometriosis, OR a bad infection. If I find out he did have sex with her and gave me something, I'll be furious.<P>Basically, there have been good things in the past 5 years. The first 2 back together were very good. But I know now I should have pushed the A thing in counseling and had him stay away for longer. I didn't feel ready for him to come back but both he and the counselor felt it was time. I will be devastated if I've been living a lie for almost 6 years. Yes, there is hope. I strongly feel that prayer saved our marriage and I do still have hope. But also sadness! good luck and I'll pray for your strength and serenity.

IVC, I have been in "recovery" for 8 years now from Affair and 7 years since I learned about the OC. My H ended contact with OW 7.5 years ago. Only contact now is if she needs something for OC. We have never seen OC. <BR> I was thinking the other day that if there had not been an OC we would be long past the A, but since there is, to me it is like having a caged tiger waiting to escape, because we never went public about the OC with our children.<BR> Other than that things are good between us, sometimes better than before the affair. I believe that what does not kill you makes you stronger. I survived and I have become a better person for it. I know myself, I am more sef-confidant and I find that I can say "no" to him and others if I feel something is not in my best interest. I know and he knows that if he ever makes the same mistake again, he will not be a part of my life again and I will go on without him because I can. I am here because I chose to be here. He is with me because he chose to be with me, but if chooses to share what is "mine" with another woman, then she can have him. I will not share my "man" or my life with another woman.<BR> He has numerous times told me he wishes he could undo what he did, getting involved with OW and especially not preventing her getting pregnant. She was "on the pill". Apparently got pg after taking an antibiotic that caused her birth conrol pill fail. But they failed conveniently after he told her I was pg and he was not going to leave me for her, he was ending it. She cried, he comforted her, they had sex, and she became pg. Interesting, yes?<BR> Well that's my situation now. If you want to talk more letme know. I believe you are in TX also. I am near Big D.<BR>My family is in the Houston area.<BR> Quakermom, I do not mind your sharing info 'bout me. We're all here to help each other thru what is truly a shattering time in our lives.<BR>Good luck all, see ya later,<BR>TG

IVC, think you can find a list of successful recovery stories (not necessarily involving pregnancy) and other VERY cool lists on the board for newcomers-- just found out (affair).<P>H and I consider ourselves fully totally recovered and improved for a lifetime!! Nearing 3 years from DDay, but unlike other A.s there will always be the unfortunate OC and (for us) sadness about that. I think feelings about OC is as individual as the situation. <P>Post-recovery life for us IS GREAT!!! I would hate to trade what we've got today for anything, though I would also NOT want to relive the years of my life leading up to A and after A!! (unless we could undo A!) We have many Wonderful happy projects and goals together right now that have nothing to do with the past--just a great future together, a great now! So glad to put the past away. DH DID learn from his mistakes and we are both better behaved now in marriage. We don't regret working it out and staying together, only regret the horrible pain getting to this point.<P>Prayers for all still struggling,<BR>J

Hi there IVC! I dont have time to post much detail at the moment..Im expecting a phone call so I need to get off, but I will try to be on tonight. My marriage is at an all time high right now and I have been in recovery a while. Just to let you know there is a lot of hope. Ill write more later.<BR>Love<BR>bw

Told you Id be back. Well I am in recovery depending on which dday you go by...a little over 2 years.<P>We still have relapses, but overall we are wonderful. I am totally in love with my H and fall more so in love everyday. We are a couple again. He has made me proud of him again. We are how we should be. We laugh and joke and play and we talk. We are best friends and woe be to the next woman who tries to invade. Never agian. I am totally confident and secure that he will not do this again...why am I ? because we will not allow either one of us to be set up for the fall agian. It can be yours again. It is what you make of it.<P>God Bless<BR>bw

IVC, thank you for posting.<BR>As a newbie, just reading the responses to your post has been motivating. Cd you are so awesome. Your post alone makes me breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you so much to all who have been there and done that to continue to help us newbies keep the faith. tryin