Well, visitation is coming up in a couple of weeks. We will fly to state where exOW and OC live. exOW will be out of town from Tuesday through Saturday. We will pick up OC from her grandmother's house.<P>exOW wants H to come alone and will provide me with her flight schedule to prove that she will be out of town! Ha Ha like that's proof of anything other than that she bought a plane ticket. H said that we will come together on Thursday night and that he couldn't ask me to take any more time off than that as things are quite busy at my work.<P>exOW will return sometime on Saturday and we will want to see Precious again on Sunday a.m. before we fly out. exOW again wants me to stay at hotel or some such nonsense. I don't think it is so that she can get private time with Mr. Job, but just so she doesn't have to see me.<P>She says that I made some comment about how large a house she was having built and that I might resent her for living off of the child support. I personally don't have a problem with the child support nor how she spends it. She has a very good paying job; the child support pushes her up the financial scale so that she can buy a nice house. It isn't a mansion, but it has 4 bedrooms. Truth is almost no one builds a house smaller than that anymore. The child support is what it is because of the laws; she didn't create the laws and it isn't her fault that they are so high. I do hope however that she is saving part of this for Precious' college education as I hope not to be paying for that. No one paid for mine nor my husband's. We went on scholarships and student loans.<P>I really, really don't understand (and it really pisses me off) that she has a problem seeing me. If I am able to get over this (and I think that we can all agree that I have suffered the greatest loss in this mess) then what the h*ll is wrong with her? That she still thinks that she can get H and I to take different sides on this she is mistaken. We are united and he did an admirable job of telling her so.<P>Yes, all of this took place in a phone call. She called him while I was at work. I am not especially upset about occasional business/parenting phone calls--let's say one a month or so. Mr. Job says that she has stopped telling him she loves him, stopped yelling and screaming at him and is in control. He tells me about the calls as soon as I get home and tells me the details. I am very pleased with this. <P>MJ

Hey Mrs. J,<BR>I am reminded of a saying that my grandfather is fond of (bless his gritty uncouth soul!):<P>"Put 'want' in one hand and sh** in the other and see which fills up first!"<P>What ow "wants" does not matter. Who cares if she doesn't want to see you. This ain't about her, it's about oc, and the sooner she realizes that, the better. And she also needs to get it through her thick head that YOU are oc's STEPMOTHER. What is so ironic to me is that you didn't become oc's stepmother by YOUR choice, but by HER choice. She is the one who chose to have your h's baby, therefore, she is the one who made you her daughter's stepmother. She can't blame anybody but herself. Let her learn to live with her choices. I hope you and h stand firm on going to visit together. Best of luck. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>-cd

Dear Mrs. Job,<P>I could not agree more with cd. What could these women be thinking? They sleep with married men. Decide to keep the child, in most cases against the wishes of the MM. Demand support. And, then, they want to call all the shots.<P>Well, it doesn't work that way. I am glad that you and Mr. J. are both on the same page and standing firm. It probably kills her to see the two of you together and happy. So, I say, go proudly, hand-in-hand with your H and really drive her crazy.<P>Prayers to you,<BR>love,<BR>heavenly

We had a great counseling appointment yesterday. On the way there we talked about about his call with exOW. He said if she is goign to make visitation difficult on Sunday that we will just simply fly home early and not see Precious on Sunday morning. It was only going to be for an hour or so on Sunday anyway. <P>I told him how much I appreciated that he told exOW that he and I will do all of this together. We will fly in together, we will pick up and drop off Precious together, etc. I love that he is getting it that it is not his job nor our job to keep exOW happy.<P>MJ<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited August 16, 2001).]

MJ,<P>I'm glad H is sticking by you 100%. My H knows the only way I can get through visitation is if we do this together 100%. If we get the visitation thing straighten out in court Monday I hope my H continues to stand by me the way your H has. No let me rephrase that He better stick by me the way your H is. ;o) Enjoy your visit.<P>Unsure

Thank you for discussing this. I need to read this site every day to keep-up with all the new discussions. I am facing this very same issue. In a letter I wrote to Ow (and yes I mailed it!) I told her "At 46 the last thing on my list of things to-do was to become a mother again..even a part-time one. But Im willing to do it because I love children, and I love H, and youre saying this child is a part of him." She called me up and said "I never asked you to be a mother again!" Why didnt I think fast enough to reply as you did???? Yes she did! Realizing her lover was a MM and making a conscience decision, for 10 months, not to use any birth control! She chose for her child to have a stepmother. I guess the mind games they play and the anger they show comes from the fact that they really believed that: 1.) wives WILL divorce their H's when an A is discovered. OR 2.) the MM will actually WANT to leave their families for them OR 3.) the MM actually means it when, at first discovery of the OC, he states "I dont want to be a father." OR 4.) the wife IS a real b**ch. I think when none of this turns out to be true, the OW can't handle it, and instead of turning her anger on the MM who deserves it for what ever part he played in misleading her, she turns her hostility on the wife. In my case the OC is suppose to be born today (the 21st) and the OW has been very uncooperative toward me, although I have shown myself to be mild tempered and polite toward her. My only dealings with her have been about the OC. She however, will only call my H on his cell phone duing the day when he's at work. She wont give us her out-of-state address or phone #. So we've no way to contact her, and rely on her to call us/him. At first he didnt want to be a part of OC's life. But after the initial shock wore off, he realized he could never turn his back on his own child. I envision nothing but heartache and trouble in dealings with her. Sometimes I want to "put her in her place" by saying hurtful things to her. But then I think; how will that help the ultimate goal of my H being able to see his OC without any grief. Why does it seem that so many of these women are unreasonable, mean-spirited, not-so-nice people? And what did our H's see in them?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>Why does it seem that so many of these women are unreasonable, mean-spirited, not-so-nice people? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Because they didn't "win." What they don't realized is that nobody "won."<P>