Hi all,<p>Here is a thread to try and bring the Harley priciples back into our discussions.<p>What did you learn about yourself in Plan A?<p>I learned that whether or not my weight was an issue for me, it was certainly an issue for Mr. J.<p>I have lost almost 40 lbs. so far and I still have a lot to go, but I feel confident that I will make it this time. I also want to provide my (soon-to-be) kids are real concrete example that change is always possible and with enough hard work and determination you can change yourself for the better. I won't say you can do anything because at 40 years old, very overweight and married, it is highly doubtful that I am going to be NASA's next pick for astronaut of the year, but I can lead a healthier life at a more appropriate weight.<p>MR. J, BTW, is quite happy about my weight loss. He tells me so a couple of times a week. <p>I would like to get another 10 lbs off by the time we travel to adopt the boys. I would like to not have to sit in first class to have my a** fit in an airline seat. So, to that point, I am off to the gym for the first time in months. I have lost the weight so far w/o getting much exercise.<p>I want to ski again, I want to ride bikes. I want to be his recreational companion again. I want to recover my health. <p>Shalom,
MJ

I would have to say one of my biggest surprises was when Mr. "T" and I filled out our EN's questionnaires and our needs were exactly IDENTICAL with the exception of our third EN's which mine was Conversation and his was Domestic support.<p>Since I found out that was a big need for him, I try to have the house picked up as much as I can (it's hard with four children!)<p>Very interesting....very interesting....<p>Twiisty

Here are some things that I have learned from this whole experience.<p> I am much stronger, more compassionate, I'm clearer about what I want or don't want in my
life. I never use to be always took whatever came my way.<p> I have learned finally 23yrs later after numerous failed relationships. I needed to worry about changing myself instead of always trying to fix what I thought needed fixing in other people. To love and except a person as they are (not as you want them to be).<p> I think one of the most important things I have learned, is to give people very specific communications about how I want to be treated. I have learned that people very much respond to
the roles we choose to play. I had to apply the you get what you put up with for a while. When
we can change ourselves, we automatically change the way we allow others to treat us.<p> To ask for what I want and not feel guilty.
To speak up sooner when things don't seem right.
To own my power,rather then giving it away.
To be true to my own beliefs.<p>I have also developed a stronger spiritual focus in my life and am not afraid to show it.

with love, flowerseed

Dear MJ,<p>What a wonderful thread!<p>I would love to lose 40 lbs. but I have NO willpower at all. Although Mr. heavenly never complains about my weight, I know he would love to see a lot "less of me". Keep going girl, the no will power gang is behind you all the way.<p>I don't think I can put it any better than Flowerseed did -- I have learned to ask for what I want without feeling guilty, to be true to myself and never give power over myself away to anyone.<p>I cannot believe the way communication has improved between me and my H. We now understand that there is nothing we cannot work out as long as we talk things through and try to meet each other's needs.<p>It took an A and an OC for me to understand that my marriage was not a partnership. We were acting like married people but we were not really communicating our feelings and what was imporant to each of us. Since our communication is on track it has made every facet of our life better.<p>love,
heavenly

What did I learn about myself? Well, Sailorman and I never did an official Plan A, POJA, or even the ENs, but we did discuss these things many times! I do have to admit that we will probably be revisiting them again in about 2 months, to get us back where we were before this deployment.<p>What I learned was the value of self forgivness! It's all well and good when the person you've hurt forgives you. That leaves the path for you to follow for your self forgivness. I learned that until I could forgive myself, I couldn't even like myself! Regardless as to what part you played in an A, whether BS, WS, or OP, there needs to be forgivness of yourself, because something went wrong somewhere. Let's face it, one of the first questions, whether asked or not, by the BS was, "What did I do wrong?" Even if there was nothing wrong that the BS has done, this is the point of self forgivness for the BS. We obviously don't need to go into the self forgivness for the WS or OP.<p>We were lucky to not have that fog period! I do admit that I was in a fog, but it had lifted before Sailorman arrived back home, and I had been floundering around in the muck that I had created for myself. I was actually relieved for xOM forcing D-day, just not the immediate outcome(the assault). It gave me the "guts" to make a total and complete break! I didn't want to even see xOM again! Which brings us to the POJA. We, Sailorman and I, agreed that I would have absolutely NO contact w/xOM. That any contact would be through Sailorman. Then, when we found out about the pregnancy, we again agreed as to who we would tell, including if xOM was to know or not.<p>One thing that you didn't mention, MJ, was the radical honesty. That happened right before we found out I was pregnant! Sailorman came clean with me, and I told "all". Yes, it was very painful for both of us, but, I honestly believe that we would not have been able to move on if we'd just "kept it to ourselves". In other words, the phrase, what he/she doesn't know won't hurt him/her. It may not hurt the other person, but it hurts the one keeping the "secret".<p>Any way, that's what I see we have learned about our relationship, and what I learned about myself.<p>Thanks for this thread MJ!<p>Love,<p>Tigger

Oh Tigger, I wish I could bottle you and sell you to my husband. Well...OK maybe not. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] but you get my meaning.<p>Mr. J can't get to the self-forgiveness part and it is tying our lives up.<p>When we married our faith lives were about equal. We both were faithful, attending church regularly, prayed daily. However, over the years my faith grew as I went through personal crisis after crisis--leaning about my intersex condition, learning of my false paternity, having to face strong, painful patterns of secrecy and lies in my family of origin. I grew spiritually and Mr. J atrophied. <p>Now that I have learned to forgive and God has forgiven, Mr. J can't forgive himself. I know that he has been forgiven. I know that he is truly repentent and has asked for God's forgiveness. If we repent and we ask, we have it. The part he can't get down is the claiming it.<p>Thanks for the honest replies ladies.<p>Love,
MJ

Plan A showed me my incredible strength. I always knew I was a strong person, but this shocked me to my core. Even today when I look back to those Plan A days, I am in awe of the amazing strength God gave me.<p>The bad part of Plan A is this new 'edge' that surfaced in my personality. I have become completely unwilling to take any crap at all from anyone, which can be problematic in fairly innocent situations where one might blow off a slight, unintentional infraction, I confront. This is something I have to shake before I become my own repellent.<p>I quit my new job simply because my supervisor was continually rude, disrespectful and condescending. Some probably think I should suck it up, but since all the things that have happened over the past three and a half years, I am completely unwilling to allow anyone to treat me that way. Zero tolerance for any disrespect of any kind because I feel I deserve it, have earned it and simply insist on it. I know this is rigid, but life is too short to allow people to beat you down.<p>The weird part about this is that I am so cognizant of the respect issue, I take great care to make sure I show no disrespect to anyone else.<p>Plan A was a humbling experience, but it was also a miraculous experience because it did draw my husband back to me.<p>Catnip =^^=

To the top for more "stories"

Hello,
I have learned trust my instincts. I have learned that I need to show more affection and work on my apperance.<p>Dawn