I recently found out that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker. The situation blew up a little over 2 weeks ago, and he decided to return to me. We've been doing pretty well at talking/healing and learning to love each other again. However, while we were focusing on ourselves, we sort of forgot about how this had affected our 16 year old daughter. We didn't mean to, but I told her that I was trying to pick up the pieces, but didn't know which piece to pick up first...if that makes any sense? I had never been in this situation before, and didn't know which way to turn.

At any rate, she feels alot of resentment and hatred toward her father. She also feels very awkward toward him, especially when he gives her a hug and tells her that he loves her. She said that he's not the father that she grew up with, and that she can't look at him without thinking of him and the other woman. He's putting forth the best effort that he can, but it's obvious that she's not ready to deal with him just yet. She's at the angry stage, which I have just gotten over a few days ago. I told her that I hadn't realized how much this had affected her and she probably needs to yell at him too, in order to get it out in the air, so she can get on with healing.

Is there anything that I can do to help her, other than apologize and listen to her? Unfortunately, every time this subject comes up, her and I end up in an arguement, and it's hurting us all over again. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and understand how betrayed she felt, but unfortunately, I can only see this from my point of view.

Thank you for any help you can give us.

Arabesque,

counseling,
That is the best recomendation I can make. At her age, it will probably be a hard thing to get her to do, but you would be best off with professional help in dealing with this issue.

It probably would be best if you and H don't put any pressure on her and let her deal with the sittuation in her own way. Even if she will not participate in counselling, you and H should be going to help eachother heal and to learn the best way to help her heal.

Good luck and best wishes to all of you
WIWH

I agree with WIWH; counseling. Family counseling. Because your daughter is not the one with the "problem," the family is the one with the problem.

Her dad betrayed her. He taught her that men cheat on their families. He taught her that when she marries, her husband may act as her dad did.

Her relationship with her dad will set the tone for all her future relationships with men. Dad imprints upon his girls for the type of man they will choose for their lives.

How you handled finding out about the affair and handle the reconciliation and healing will also imprint upon her.

For all those reasons, I wouldn't send her alone to a therapist. Like I said, she's not sick. The family is sick. The family needs treatment and healing, and it needs to be coordinated.

"Sick" isn't mean to be insulting. It's meant to include a contageous type of health problem that the whole family infects each other with because they live together. I can't think of a modern illness right now, --- okay, let's try strep throat. Suppose the whole family gets strep throat. Everyone needs to follow doctor's orders, take the antibiotics, all the way to the end of the prescription. You know what happens if one patient neglects to finish all the antibiotics once they start feeling better, right?

They don't completely get rid of the illness. They only feel better for awhile. The next time strep is going around, they catch it again. They go home, reinfect the rest of the family, and treatment has to start again. Only this time, the person who didn't finish their meds in the last round, has developed resistance to the antibiotics. That person has to take stronger meds, the whole illness term is prolonged, and the whole family is weakened.

I hope your husband is man enough to admit blame for his actions in therapy, and man enough to absorb everything your daughter throws at him. And for that, I think you need a professional to be an impartial helper.

Good luck on rebuilding your marriage and your family.