I very seldom check my home email account. No time at home with kiddos underfoot and hogging the computer. I checked today from work.<p>exOW sent me a note about congratulations on being a new mom. I nearly peed my pants. It was kind, she said congratulations on what I had wanted for so long, (and what I truly deserved). She told me that OC asks for me all the time, that she is introducing her to the idea that we have adopted (could they have pictures?), that Grandma will be coming for a visit. (Yes, exOW has got a picture of me in OC's room. She has actually done a generous job of trying to do what we all consider to be best for Precious.<p>It also included details of how the boys were adjusting to life here (pushing every boundary) and a joke on her part that that is what they will do until they are 18. I know it was meant to build common ground as parents, but it just made me feel crappy that he talks about our life with her.<p>What is so wrong with me that I like this woman who nearly destroyed my life? Why do I care if she likes me? I would be stupid to conclude that (given the details of their 7-year-long relationship) that she does not still dream of the destruction of my family and our marriage.<p>exOW and I have had a decent relationship but lately I have been cut out of it. Mr. J and I have been having discussions on how this happened and how they have back slid into conversations that I am not a part of. In order to talk to OC who is w/ grandmother all work week and often not reachable, he calls on Saturday mornings on his way back from his tennis match. When OC was younger and calls lasted 4 to 5 minutes 1x/week on a Saturday morning I wasn't jealous and upset. I figured he and exOW barely had time to say hello to each other let alone talk about anything more than what new thing the baby had done.<p>Now OC loves to chatter (inanely) for a long time and phone calls are long. I have no idea (since they take place out of my hearing) if they are appropriate or not. I actually never agreed to H and exOW woman talking outside of my hearing UNLESS he phoned to talk to OC during normal working hours (when exOW is at work) and accidentally caught exOW at home on a vacation day or something. I didn't expect him to slam the phone in her ear.<p>Mr. J says he does not want to close ourselves off in the study for 20 minutes while we talk to OC. Our boys do not function independently yet and require constant watching and parental input into not doing things so dopey that they may get killed. Yesterday younger son unplugged a lamp that was turned on and before I could intervene he was plugging it back in, with his fingers on the metal prongs. Mr. J promised that he and I will talk tonight and figure out a schedule that doesn't exclude me. Since they are in a different time zone, I am going to suggest after we put our boys to bed on a weeknight when OC should be finishing up dinner and getting ready for bed.<p>I want it understood that I cannot abide a friendship between the two of them. If there is to be a friendly relationship for the benefit of OC, it must include me as an equal partner or Mr. J and exOW must have a non-relationship.<p>MJ

MJ,
You seem to be doing a fantastic job of making your arrangement work for you and your family. <p>Being on the other side, and I'm sure this is more about the nature of the personalities of BS and OP, but it feeling hate or dislike for my ex-OM wife was just not in me. There were times that I felt as if I disliked her but I really disliked that she was his wife during those moments and that she met him first, and so on. I wouldn't any sooner do anything to be mean to her than I would to him. I know the A wasn't fair to her or my H but it is not something that can be changed. I'm sure that both you and she feel that way and you try your best to make due with what you have. These twisted relationships and connections we have to people are confusing but I think it says alot about who you are and what you are made of.
(and it makes life alittle easier if you aren't struggling with a revengful op)

MJ,<p>"I want it understood that I cannot abide a friendship between the two of them. If there is to be a friendly relationship for the benefit of OC, it must include me as an equal partner or Mr. J and exOW must have a non-relationship."<p>I understand completely what you are saying. That is what is hampering our recovery the most. The exOW doesn't understand the need to give up the friendship. <p>My last visit to counselor I was told from what she understood never meeting the OW, was that she will always overstep her boundries, so I should just stop obsessing about it. I think I am setting a record here and have not asked H in about a week if there has been contact other than business between the two of them. I know in the past I would ask every day what OW and H talked about during the day. I am trying to trust that H is keeping things strictly on a business level. But it is so hard, I have knots in my stomach every day wanting to know what antics she is up to. But then I worry also if I don't ask, then H will go back to old ways and start up a comfortable friendship again. This recovery stuff is really crappy somedays. <p>Tina

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><p>I want it understood that I cannot abide a friendship between the two of them. If there is to be a friendly relationship for the benefit of OC, it must include me as an equal partner or Mr. J and exOW must have a non-relationship.<p>MJ[/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Whoa...I hear that!