I'm a little down today. I went to the fair w/ my sister which was something my H and I did every year. It broke my heart to see all those happy couples holding hands. Then throw in the happy expecting couples and it became to much. Then I came home to clean out my closets & pack H's clothes so I didn't have to look at them. While cleaning my closets, I found all these pictures from over the years that chronicled our lives. Ya'll - I don't know if I can do this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I mean what happened? I looked at these pictures where we were so happy & in love and now I think - why didn't life give me a crystal ball? If I had known about this heartbreak, would I have even ventured down this path?

My counselor wanted to know how I was doing with this new rejection. I told him that if my H didn't get struck by lightening and come to his sense, I know that some where out there is someone who will love me more. If I know in my heart that someone will love me the way I deserve it, why do I bother with trying to get the same thing back from my raggedy H? I know that life wasn't going to be a fairy tale, but did it have to turn into a 'Tales From the Crypt' nightmare? Both my counselor & attorney want me to talk to my H one more time before I embark on Plan B. But how do you talk to a conflict avoider? How do you talk to someone who is so unsure about their own life & has thrown his wife out with the trash? How do you ask someone if they understand that after all this all you want is your marriage back? How do you explain to them that the OW will mean nothing to them in a matter of months? How do you tell the OW that all your H will ever do to her is compare her to you? I'm 2 weeks into this & you'd think I'd know the ropes. But no, each time I cry & sulk because all of my efforts have gone to pot. Did it ever matter that for months I tried to make my H realize that I still loved him more than life itself? How do you do that? How do you show them that after all the knock downs you still get up and love them just as much as you did the day you married them? Is this what I'm fighting for? The same love I had when I walked down that aisle and saw the man of my dreams look back at me with a tear in his eye because of the life we would have? How do you do that? Oh - I'm so sorry - I've just been writing and crying at the same time here.

I just don't know how I'm supposed to do this alone. I don't know how to make it easy. I look around and see where every one else's H or W said - yes - I want this and mine, he just says "I don't think you can handle this" or "I'm scared this will split us up". Well you know what is ripping it all up - the fact that he can't make the jump and say - if you're willing then so am I. So tell me - what am I fighting for when my H isn't willing to meet me more than halfway. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> So why bother? How long does it take for them to know that it doesn't matter, yes it hurts, but you still want them anyway. Is it that we just want to be right as Catnip says? Or is it more? Is it that we choose to fight when other people would walk away?

{{{{{{{{{{Vee}}}}}}}}}}
I am so sorry that you are going through even more emotional upheaval, especially so close to your delivery! You had mentioned going to plan B. Have you done so yet? Also, it's not all chocolates and roses for everyone. Just look at what Heavenlybody is going through! It is always painful! I am so looking forward to this move this week/next week because it gets me away from not only the nightmare that I created, but the ones that my H created as well! In fact, just the other weekend, he said that this is our new beginning!

There have also been others who HAVE gone through divorce! One specific that I can think of right now doesn't post as often as she used to, but her life became unbearable for her and her boys! I know of another one, similar to your position, who was P during her seperation/divorce, who I believe her H was also sitting on the fence! This is what it seems like your H is doing!

I seem to remember that there were a couple things that you were waiting on before sending the Plan B letter, such as your lawyer's filling stuff to keep you financially safe from H's poor spending habits. Has any of that happened yet? You really need to go forward w/your "plan of action" to save your own sanity! If you really feel that you want to stay married, you need to save what love you have left for your H.

Well, I got side tracked, talking to my H about the move and such, and forgot what else I was going to say! I really hope that you are able to enjoy these last few weeks of your pregnancy! I will be back later this week, if I can get on my friends computer!

Love,

Tigger

Tigger -
I'm talking to my attorney this afternoon. My counselor on Friday wanted me to at least try to get some sense of where my H is on all of this before I start to move on. During my IC, he told me that it was perfectly ok to take the steps I need to in order to move on & protect myself. While I think I'm doing ok somedays, others just get so hard.

I did talk to my H last night & he is so dang busy 'fence sitting' it's crazy. I told him that I needed to know what he wanted & what he thought I wanted. As usual he takes one word out of context and goes crazy. He heard my saying "I need to know where you are on this so I can make arrangements" To him - he heard "file for divorce". But that wasn't what I meant - arrangements meant - not paying his car note, car insurance, not adding him to my health insurance which it's almost open enrollment time, who is going to be home with me after the baby gets here, how much time will I be able to take off ... Those are arrangements. Paperwork is TOTALLY different. So - I told him again, that I didn't want a divorce & if he wanted one - he has to file for it. He asked me if I would contest it & I told him "He** Yeah, I sure would because when a judge looked at me & said have you done everything possible to reconcile, I'll say - no your honor we have not." He's still torn on "trying to do what's right?" HELLO - your marriage is what's right you idiot! He says - "Well, you're only feeling like this because the baby will be here soon". WTF???!!! No I am NOT! I'm trying to fight to save a marriage. It has NOTHING to do with this child. Nothing! I was fighting before I got pregnant, so how does this change things?

After that conversation last night where still nothing was accomplished - I've had it. I'm doing Plan B - if his car gets repossessed - Tough Crap! If he gets pulled over for not having insurance - tough crap. I'm done. I can't talk to him anymore without the fear that I will eventually lose every last little bit of love I do have for him. It's annoying the crap out of me. Oh - I also told him that his little OW playthings aren't exactly what he wants anyway. These women have been around several blocks & the current OW is a "Fraternity Favorite" to put it nicely, so all he's waiting on is for her to screw around so he can get rid of her. He didn't even deny that one, he doesn't care for her, so what's the big committment problem here? He finally said one thing honestly last night - he's still hurt over my PA 4 years ago & it didn't matter how hard I tried to prove I was trustworthy. Well - dang if I had known that - I would have gone another route - but heck - I'm no mind reader!!! Anyway - I just needed to get that last cry & rant out. Plan B may do nothing but alienate him, but I can't do Plan A anymore. I did it for 8 months. In a lot of ways - I wish this pregnancy was over. Jeez - I still have 5 weeks, I'm ready to hold my little girl & spend my days with someone who loves me for just giving them life. I'm ready to focus all my energy on her. *Sigh* I hate this road I'm on. I just have to believe that there is something at the end of it that'll make all the difference.

Hey tigger - thanks for the mention...
Vee, I am the one that tigger was talking about. I ended up divorced - and yes, my divorce was finalized last Friday....and I can tell you, although I hope that things work out for you, that life following the end of my marriage is not nearly as hard or as bleak as I thought it would be. Most times, at least on these boards, the marriages do seem to work out, but I am an exception. I will try to find time this evening to write some more about post-oc, post-divorce life if you want. I have four very young boys and it is hard sometimes, but I am doing well overall. Ex-h is not so well. I have to go right now, as I have homework (currently attending law school) coming out of my ears. But if I can get somewhat caught up, I'll get back online this evening and talk some more.
Warmest,
cdcollins

Dear Vee...
I didn't mean to give you the impression that "winning" was the only or the biggest reason for wanting the marriage. It is only a component.

My deepest desire was to have my marriage back again the way it was for nearly two decades, to be close to my husband again like we ahd always been, to have sexual exclusivity again like we did for all those years...fidelity meant everything to me and when we lost that, suddenly nothing made sense and I realized nothing was real nor could I ever really trust anyone again. It was a terrible, terrible time and during that time my hsuband did and said many of the things your husband has said to you and I was rejected as you are being rejected and abandoned.

It doesn't make it hurt any less to know that these are his problems and his shortcomings, but it does make it more palatable to know it's not you, Vee. You have done nothing wrong.

Tough love does it best, Vee. It's time to let the chips fall where they may and let your hsuband deal with his own repsonsibilities and the consequences. If he comes rushing back to you when things get tough, make sure you know it is for you and not your pocketbook. Don't let him use you.

Catnip =^^=

Catnip -
I know you didn't meaning 'winning' as the only component to the whole thing. I understand that in the end you just want to say that you were right and now they realize it.

I did get to my attorney & he told me not to file for divorce. He said that "I'm not ready for that yet." He thinks my H is just royally screwed up right now & wants me to wait until after the baby is born before we take any serious legal action. But the thing is with the OW pregnant too, what will it even matter after my little girl gets here? All I know is that I can't put her through the same emotional roller coaster I'm on. I don't want her to grow up thinking that this is normal - her dad just pops in & out and has no regards for consequences.

My attorney has told me to do the following, tell my H that I love him, don't want a divorce, but because he's not making any move towards reconcilliation, I can no longer support him financially (hmmm - sounds like Plan B to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Then I am to call the lender & tell them I am no longer making any car payments and to contact my atty if they have questions. After that, my H is on his own. Now - if he comes to his senses, will it be for my pocketbook - I don't know & I don't even know how to assess that. But I suppose if I'm focusing on myself that answer will come.

I still think my H is trying to force me to pay for a divorce. But I'm not willing to fork over the money for it. If he wants out, I guess he better find a way himself. Anyway - thanks for letting me cry.

Vee,

I just want to make sure that I didnt give the impression with my post that you should go thru with the divorce. I think it is a journey we must all make choosing out own paths. I just wanted to draw your attention to my post because your story sounded a lot like mine. When H first left wanted a divorce it was my intention to force him to file and pay for it. He of course wanted me to do it. He never takes responsibility for anything. Never has and still is not. But as time went on I discovered more and more about H and myself. I realized I didnt even really know who he was and then I realized he didnt know who I was. I discovered a lot about myself that I didnt know. I totally had to rely on God and you know what....he pulled through for me.

Let me give one example of an answered prayer. IT was the Sunday before finals. I had no cash, no money in the bank, and no gas in my car. I was 7 months pregnant and it was just me and my daughter. Somehow I had to get to school and I had to get her to day care. I was on my way to church. After church every Sunday a big group of us goes to the mall and pushes tables together and we all eat there. Anyways, I was on my way to church Sunday morning and my gas light was on. I took a deep breath and prayed "ok God, I have no money and no gas. Somehow though I am gonna make it to church, go to the mall and eat and get D to school and me to my finals. I dont know how it is going to be done, but I am totally relying on You. It is all on you God." And you know what, I meant it. I knew in my heart and mind that it would be done. In between church and sunday school we have a small intermission where we mingle and have hot chocolate or coffee. A lady came up to me and asked how I was doing. I told her we were doing well. She then takes my hand and puts something in it. She says " I am supposed to give this to you. Im not sure why, but I know that I am supposed to give it to you. Maybe you already know the reason, maybe not. I got to church this morning and reached in my purse and thought I need to give this to 'bw'" I was speechless and in tears.

I stuck by my H and tried to do the right thing. He chose not to. I believe God allows us to choose whether or not to stay in this situation. The first time H did it I stayed. The second time H left. I believe I have been and will continue to be rewarded by trying to stay in Gods will and totally trusting in Him. It gave new meaning to the phrase "Let go and let God". That is precisely what I did. It was hard to let go of my marriage, but God allowed the hurt to heal very quickly. I am now ready to move on.

"Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Pr 3:5,6

Love
bw

BW,

What a story of complete faith! I myself have a huge lump in my throat just reading your post of how the Lord provided for you when to left it completely in His hands! Isn't it amazing what He can do for and through us when we let him?!?!

Vee,

This is the other person that I was referring to in my first post on this thread!

Yes, both these wonderful, amazing women had their M's end in D, but it is something that each person needs to determine for themselves! I mainly told you about these two women for you to see that it is possible, even when you feel it isn't!

CD,

So good to see you finding even just a couple minutes to post! I can just imagine how busy you are now, but keep up the good work with school and raising your wonderful boys!

Love,

Tigger

I guess it is obvious, but the thing she put in my hand was enough money to do all that I needed to do......just a p.s. since I left out that part. oops <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> silly me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And Vee, I know what it is to go thru a pregnancy without a H. If you need to chat or anything let me know...

love
bw

<small>[ September 24, 2002, 08:38 PM: Message edited by: broken_wings ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Vee:
[QB]I know you didn't meaning 'winning' as the only component to the whole thing. I understand that in the end you just want to say that you were right and now they realize it.
QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Vee...

Nope. It has nothing to do with being right. When I say "win", I mean to have been chosen over the OW at that moment when Wayward is decising whether to come home and recommit or leave for another.

It never ceases to crack me up when I see that Cheers episode where Rebecca is in competition with one of Robin's girlfriends. She is determinied to end the relationship because he is seeing someone else. Robin comes into the bar and tells Rebecca she is "currently in the lead". She acts indignant to Robin and then turns to Sam and says, "Did you hear that?.....I'm winning!" Just when you think she has the guts to maintain her dignity and tell Robin to drop dead, she caves when she hears she is in the lead...her elation is hilarious. Sure made me feel embarrassed when I first saw that. But, it was funny.

Catnip =^^=

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by broken_wings:
<strong>I took a deep breath and prayed "ok God, I have no money and no gas. Somehow though I am gonna make it to church, go to the mall and eat and get D to school and me to my finals. I dont know how it is going to be done, but I am totally relying on You. It is all on you God." And you know what, I meant it. I knew in my heart and mind that it would be done. In between church and sunday school we have a small intermission where we mingle and have hot chocolate or coffee. A lady came up to me and asked how I was doing. I told her we were doing well. She then takes my hand and puts something in it. She says " I am supposed to give this to you. Im not sure why, but I know that I am supposed to give it to you. Maybe you already know the reason, maybe not. I got to church this morning and reached in my purse and thought I need to give this to 'bw'" I was speechless and in tears.

I believe I have been and will continue to be rewarded by trying to stay in Gods will and totally trusting in Him. It gave new meaning to the phrase "Let go and let God". That is precisely what I did.

"Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Pr 3:5,6
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear BW:

This is the most inspiring story, a real miracle, I have read in a really long time. Thank you for sharing this wonderous story of faith.

Angels do walk among us.

Love

Catnip =^^=

Catnip -
Thanks for clearing that up! I think I've got it now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BW - I would like that very much. I was telling my stepfather last night that when I read your post I got chill like God had touched me with your words. As much as my friend & mom told me to give it over, I kept picking it back up. It hurts quite a bit to think that here you are with your 1st child, and your H is acting like it doesn't even matter. Then I hear Worth A Try's analogy - your WS has been abducted by aliens. And you know - he's right. This isn't the same person I married. What happened to him, I don't know. Will he ever reappear - I don't know. BUt what I do know is that it's going to be alright. I am determined to spend these last 4 weeks alone with my little girl. Right now I don't have to share her with anyone & in the midst of my H being a total ijit, he's not my problem. Maybe a light bulb will go off somewhere but if not it doesn't matter because I still have me.

Vee