Hello Everyone,

Most of you know my story, I think. I am divorced for nearly 1.5 years now, but I continued to see Ryan (OC). The last 5+ mos I haven’t seen him. Things got quite emotionally charged when Ex-H wanted to take Ryan for the week-ends (Ry’s mom – OW #1 has physical custody) and he resisted because he wanted to come stay with me instead. So I backed out of Ry’s life for a bit thinking my presence had caused a riff for him and his father. BTW: my ex lives with OW and her children (OC #2) and they are engaged.

So, I sent Ry his Bday card and gift certificates on Nov 2nd to his grandmother’s and then called his grandmother last night knowing it was a school holiday and hoping Ry was there, which he was. He hadn’t been given the Bday card yet and while on the phone he opened it. I asked him how school was and if he liked this year’s teacher, he told me he’s in a new school this year and that he now lives with his DAD. My heart sank …….

You see, now that he lives with his dad and more importantly OW, I will probably never see Ryan again. Ry’s mom and family really have been wonderful to me and they like me, they’ve let me have Ry anytime we could coordinate a week-end, but now I think they have shifted their loyalties over to ex and OW, and I am truly an outsider.

I want what is best for Ryan. I pray for stability in his life so he can grow up to be a happy well adjusted adult. After the divorce I was encouraged by my therapist to continue participating in his life. But now, that will be impossible.

I guess why I’m posting this is because I hurt pretty bad. I mean, if I could have picked a child to give birth to, and raise and love, it would have been just like Ryan.

So my question is this, do I let him go? Do I end all contact with him? And if so, any advice on how to do so. Do I write him a letter? What do I say?

Any advice is very appreciated.

Love,
Jo

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Jo,

Does your ex-H really want to exclude you? Have you talked to OW#1 and family about this?

I would say that if you feel strongly about it, that you should see if you can negotiate having Ryan for weekends a couple times a year. But it may be very difficult, depending on what your ex-H tries to do.

I don't know how old Ryan is---it may be difficult to explain this to him if he's younger than 10 or so. See if you can't resolve it through diplomatic channels first...

Oh, Jo, I am so sorry.

Here is a classic example of how heartbreaking it can be to fall in love with your OC. You love this child like your very own and that should carry some weight. Does Ryan love you the same way you love him? Perhaps just his desire to see you a couple times a month will inspire his Dad to allow it.

How do you and your XH get along? Are you friends at all? Is it possible that he would be OK with a relationship? If Ryan loves you and wants to see you, only a monster would stand in the way of that.

Jo, I have read your story all these years and watched you go through the hopefulness of recovery and the disappointment of the termination of your marriage, but I had no idea you had forged such a strong relationship with one of the OC's. Why did not his mother call you and tell you of the new arrangement?

K said to negotiate a solution with your XH and see what you can all agree to. I would think your XH would see the benefits of having you in Ryan's live since you have probably been there for him all along.

Dear, Jo...may God comfort and guide you and bless you always.

Love

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by K:

Does your ex-H really want to exclude you? Have you talked to OW#1 and family about this?

I would say that if you feel strongly about it, that you should see if you can negotiate having Ryan for weekends a couple times a year. But it may be very difficult, depending on what your ex-H tries to do.

I don't know how old Ryan is---it may be difficult to explain this to him if he's younger than 10 or so. See if you can't resolve it through diplomatic channels first...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi K,

Ryan just turned 10. I have no idea how my Ex feels about me seeing Ryan. By design, we haven't spoke since December of 2001.

I do know that back then Ex was not opposed to me spending time with Ryan, but OW was VERY opposed to it ... as per my Ex, OW is very insecure regarding any interaction with me, whether direct or indirect. And I'm not fooling myself that she isn't at the helm or at least a very present factor when it comes to decisions made.

I guess I will talk with Ryan's mom. We get along pretty well. But I worry that my bringing this up will make her feel uncomfortable and feel placed in the middle.

Even if I could see Ryan only a couple times a year, that would be wonderful. I'd take THAT over not seeing him at all, any day.

Thanks again, K.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by catnip:
Oh, Jo, I am so sorry.

Here is a classic example of how heartbreaking it can be to fall in love with your OC. You love this child like your very own and that should carry some weight. Does Ryan love you the same way you love him? Perhaps just his desire to see you a couple times a month will inspire his Dad to allow it.

How do you and your XH get along? Are you friends at all? Is it possible that he would be OK with a relationship? If Ryan loves you and wants to see you, only a monster would stand in the way of that.

Jo, I have read your story all these years and watched you go through the hopefulness of recovery and the disappointment of the termination of your marriage, but I had no idea you had forged such a strong relationship with one of the OC's. Why did not his mother call you and tell you of the new arrangement?

K said to negotiate a solution with your XH and see what you can all agree to. I would think your XH would see the benefits of having you in Ryan's live since you have probably been there for him all along.

Dear, Jo...may God comfort and guide you and bless you always.

Love

Catnip =^^=</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Catnip .... thanks for replying to me.

Like I responded to K, Ry's dad is with OW, and she is probably very opposed to me seeing Ryan in any capacity.

I haven't been in Ry's life all along, Catnip. I didn't know about Ry's existence until he was 2. But, regardless, I'm pretty sure Ryan feels the same for me. When we met, he was 5.5 at the time, he and I hit it off immediately. My ex use to say we were so much alike, but I never saw it. I just know that I felt a connection to him, and my nurturing instincts kicked in big time with him.

There's a couple things I've never really revealed on these boards in attempt to protect Ryan, and that is that he was born addicted (methamphetamine) and he lived in crack houses and on the street with his mom for the first 3 years of his life. Yes, his mom is a recoverying addict.

Ryan is even more amazing because of it tho. He is very intelligent and very quick ... he's funny and handsome and very sympathetic to others, he's also amazingly athletic. I call him Wonder Boy. I don't know if he even remembers those first three years of his life. I hope not.

I will talk with his mom, and I'll post what comes of that. If it ends up where I won't be seeing him again, I'll come back and ask for help with a letter to him.

Lv,
Jo

Resiliant-
Why assume that all is lost? They haven't said "no" yet to your contacting him.

I'd tread lightly and take it a day at a time.