I am new to this - and in a emotional state at the moment. I was married for ten year, 2 girls and the marriage ended two years ago. It was horrible. Then i met my new H and we got together almost immediately. We had a child 8 weeks ago. In january this year I found out he had been having an A with his Ex (mother of his two other children). Because of this we see her all the time and I am finding it harder and harder to cope. She called me the day I got home after having our child that they had another A when I was int he hospital. I dont believe it but there are doubts. I am a mess. Help!!

What an evil, vindictive woman to do this to you the day you get home from the hospital. I hope this shows your husband what kind of person this is and stays clear of her. I am so sorry you are going through something so tragic when I am sure you thought that this time things would be different.

What does your husband say about all this? What does he say he wants? How does he treat you? How long did you know each other and date before you got involved with him? Were you sure in your heart when you married him that he was 'over' his Ex-Wife? You weren't the OW in his first marriage, were you?

Sometimes we rush into new relationships when we get out of bad ones to make up for the hurt we experienced only to find more pain because we perpetuate the dysfunctional history with someone new.

As long as you are here, study and learn all of Dr. Harley's principles and encourage your husband to work the program with you. Learn to meet each others' emotional needs and find out what each others' needs are. The Ex-Wife could be lying ...and I hope she is. But, if she is not, you need to decide how you want to proceed with this marriage and determine whether or not this situation is healthy for you and your baby. Since you are just into this marriage and haven't developed a lot of history yet and a lot of ties, perhaps getting out will spare you years of watching your husband go back and forth between you and his Ex.

I can't think of anything worse (except if the OW has a child by my husband while he is married to me) than competing with a former wife who has shared a lot with my new husband and always having to be worried he feels a pull towards her and away from me.

You deserve to have someone of your own who loves and wants only you....

Catnip =^^=

I posted a response on your other thread, but wanted to drop by and put a link here...

catnip said (in a much nicer way) what I was thinking and also wrote about...

Click Here - for your other thread

I became involved with H when he and his ex wife were just separated. He has not actually divorced her yet, although we have been living together for over a year. i have known him for about 6 years, and we have always been best friends. I do know that he wants to go back for his children, but he keeps saying he cant because there is no romantic love for this woman, although he cares about how she is. I dont know how I feel except confused and a little scared. I do feel she is lying, but even that she can do that is upsetting at this time. I feel like I need to know where he is every second, and then I feel like I would be driving him to it. He does say that nothing happened, and the times etc she gives it really couldnt have happened. I want to be understanding to his needs for his children etc but am just so scared and emotional about it all.
As for whether he was over his ex when we met, he wasnt. I know that that was what the affair in January was all about, it was a sort of end to things - thats what I think logically anyway - although it hurts.

Oops!

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Never had a triple post before. I feel special. Sorry... see below!

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

I wrote to your other thread as well.

Yes, the woman is being unkind and I do feel bad for you - considering you just got through having a baby.

Also, I have been on both sides of infidelty, and am in no place to judge you, except to say you're treading on dangerous ground.

If I were you, I'd be wondering why this man is with you but still married to his wife, and I'd also be wondering if the love you obviously feel for him is worth the pain.

He is another woman's husband, and frankly I can see why she'd be mad as hell. I understand getting together while he's separated (been there too) but to stay with him and even bring a baby into it when he won't even divorce her?... I'd be scared to death right now... are you?

I am sorry for your pain, and that you have to be going through this while you're still very hormonal and emotional.

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by second time:
[QB]I became involved with H when he and his ex wife were just separated. He has not actually divorced her yet, although we have been living together for over a year. YOU SAID HE WAS YOUR HUSBAND AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS THREAD.

=^^= So, you are not at this time actually married to this man. Right? You are speaking in the present tense?

i have known him for about 6 years, and we have always been best friends.

=^^= So, you were the OW for six years while he was married to his wife?

I do know that he wants to go back for his children, but he keeps saying he cant because there is no romantic love for this woman, although he cares about how she is.

=^^= Are these HIS words? If he has had two affairs with his X-Wife (Is he still legally married to her?) in the past year, he must be lying to you. If he philandered with you when he was married to her, what makes you think he will behave differently with you?

I dont know how I feel except confused and a little scared. I do feel she is lying,

=^^= It is normal, albeit foolish, to believe him. Is he saying that she is lying?

He does say that nothing happened, and the times etc she gives it really couldnt have happened. I want to be understanding to his needs for his children etc but am just so scared and emotional about it all.

=^^= sounds like a real mess

As for whether he was over his ex when we met, he wasnt.

=^^= Well, then, you've been short-changed all along. Rushing into a relationship with someone who is either not available physically or emotionally is a recipe for disaster. I hope you will be able to figure out soon whether or not this relationship is really worth all this dysfunction.

I know that that was what the affair in January was all about, it was a sort of end to things -

=^^= Or the beginning...
Prepare for the worst and hope for the best but don't waste your time hanging around too long waiting for scraps. You and your child need something far more substantial than a disingenuous man who is on the fence between two women. That is no way to live.

Good luck
QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

just to clarify, we have been friends for six years, I was not the other woman at any time during their relationship - I only became involved with him once they separated. He says that he doesnt need to divorce her as he feels he is married to me - I dont know what to make of that. The marriage they had was very rocky and built on lies from the start. She is almost twenty years older than him and extremly controlling, still is. She also controls the kids to an unhealthy level, which we both find really sad and is no end of trouble for us. I can understand her being bitter and hating me - just because her ex is with me now.

Hi Second Time,

I know you are in an emotional state right now and experiencing terrible hurt. I'm sorry for that.

I read your story and trying to get all the facts straight, Hon. Can you help me ....

1. Your live-in BF is still married.
2. You and he have a child together while he's still married.
3. Your BF is sleeping with you (GF) and his wife.

You say their marriage is rocky and built on lies from the start, but isn't that what he's doing with you as well?

From the wife's point of view Second Time, you are the OW and the child is the OC. IMHO, this man is not good marriage material. He is playing both sides and from what you say, is quite selfish.

What I would do is separate from him and institute no-contact. He is a married man, after all. Once he is no longer a married man, then PERHAPS explore a relationship with him ... but I certainly would be VERY leary in doing so. He doesn't seem to be able to stay faithful to anyone at this point.

I'm sorry if my words sound harsh. I do feel for you. And I know you entered into this relationship in good faith. Please take care of yourself and your precious baby, and God Bless.

Stay safe ....

Love,
Jo

<small>[ November 23, 2002, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Second time,

I too feel very very sorry for you.

let me respond to a part of your post that stuck out like a sore thumb.

-just to clarify, we have been friends for six years, I was not the other woman at any time during their relationship -

*so you were friends with him only for six years and not his wife??? or were you friends with both of them as a couple? If you were friends with both of them i can see why she's got venom on her tounge about you two having a relationship. no woman wants a woman she knows to be sleeping with her CURRENT husband!

-I only became involved with him once they separated. He says that he doesnt need to divorce her as he feels he is married to me - I dont know what to make of that.

* what you should make of it is he doesn't want a divorce. If he did, he'd get one. a man trying to stay in an ilicit relationship (affair) will tell you anything to make an excuse of WHY he can't get a divorce. Please don't believe a word he says about what happens in his home with his wife and their marriage.

And another thing on this note. "He doesn't need a divorce." What happens if he drops dead tomorrow? Who do you think will draw his S.S. and inherit his estate? His wife and his children. If a man loves you and wants a REAL and TRUE relationship built on mutual trust he'd be jumping through hoops to "make and honest woman" out of you and legitimitize your child. He's done neither because he's self absorbed in what he "feels" and not what is right.

-The marriage they had was very rocky and built on lies from the start. She is almost twenty years older than him and extremly controlling, still is. She also controls the kids to an unhealthy level, which we both find really sad and is no end of trouble for us.

* again, please don't believe what he tells you about how aweful she is and how terrible their marriage is. think about it, is he going to be sleeping with you and telling you how great his wife is and how much he loves and respects her and what a great marriage they have. They tell OW (because that's what you are) all this stuff for two reasons: 1. to ease their conscious and convince themselves that they are justified in having an affair. 2. to convince and ease your conscious about being involved in that affair with him. Lord knows he wouldn't want you to get a case of the guilts now would he.

-I can understand her being bitter and hating me - just because her ex is with me now.

* see this is where you are dead wrong. He's not her ex. She is his wife! & He is her husband! So be "understanding" and drop him like a bad habit and leave them to sort out their disfunctional marriage.

Think about this triangle you are involved in. Think about your future. You will ALWAYS be in this triangle. Is that what you want for your life???

So sorry if this sounded harsh but I just want you to slap yourself, wake up and really hear what he's saying and really see how deep your are in doo doo!

Best of luck,
Z.

Hi again Second Time,

A couple more things you wrote really jumped out at me:

1. "The marriage they had was very rocky and built on lies from the start. She is almost twenty years older than him and extremly controlling, still is. She also controls the kids to an unhealthy level, which we both find really sad and is no end of trouble for us."

If she is THAT bad, as bad as you state up above, why oh why does he not want a divorce???

Have you asked yourself this question? Aren't you wondering why he is not pursuing a divorce?

2. "i have known him for about 6 years, and we have always been best friends."

Now Second Time, how would you feel if you ended up marrying this man (God forbid), and he had a BEST Friend that was female. And the two of them shared stuff that you felt, and rightly so, should be shared with you alone (His Wife)?

Don't you see how your "friendship" with a married man was inappropriate. You were meeting needs of his that belonged to his wife and family. There's a term for it, it's called an Emotional Affair.

I hope you really take some time and think about what this man has to offer you, nothing but exactly what he offered his wife .... heartache and grief.

Jo

<small>[ November 23, 2002, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

I want to thank eveyone for their posts, they are harsh and veyr hard to hear, I dont feel like the other woman, that was never my intention and I have never wanted to be that. I am just taking it all in at the moment. I have alot to think about.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by second time:
I want to thank eveyone for their posts, they are harsh and veyr hard to hear, I dont feel like the other woman, that was never my intention and I have never wanted to be that. I am just taking it all in at the moment. I have alot to think about.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm so glad you finally posted back. I re-read what I responded to you and felt I could have been less-harsh. I truly apologize, Hon. Please forgive me.

I know you entered into this relationship in good faith. I know you never intended to be an OW. I'm sorry you find yourself in such a situation.

Stay here and post. Read as much as you can. There are some very wise and compassionate people here. I'm sure this place can help you.

Jo

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

I want to know as much as I can to make the right decision, none are easy as far as I can see. I would like people to know that the situation they find themselves in may not be what they thought at any time, I have been on both sides. My first husband cheated on me alot, and we ended because of it. I just want the best for everyone. How can that happen? When people say no one wins it is right!