Hi

I am so lost right now. My signature gives a lot of background. My H has been involved in an A with my former best friend since August. He has been sitting on the fence and is so confused he doesn't know what to do. He has been a major cake eater since mid December and has been having a sexual R with me whilst he was still officially with the ow. He moved back home last week after reaching a mutual decision with ow that it was not working out, apparently she wanted things to move faster, eg financial seperation and presumably DV, but he didnt and wasnt sure if he wanted it at all. He told me he had decided anyway that he loved me more.

She has been in limited contact since he left. We had vaugly discussed NC but not reached agreement, I didnt want to push him until he felt ready to committ to me. Yesterday, I came home and he said ow wanted him to go round as she need to talk. We then spoke in detail about NC being the only way to move forward. He seemed to agree.

He was round there 3 hrs and when he came back he said that she thought she was pregnant because she felt the same way she did when she had her son (also from an A), her breasts were tender, she was sick, and had lost her appitite. However, she has not taken a test or missed a period yet and is not due until next week. If this is the case, there is only a small window of time when she could have fallen pregnant (iuf she is). I see this as blatent and cruel manipulation. She had no right to say anything unless she wasa sure, this only serves to unset everyone. Since DDAY she has acted in every way possible to get me to give up on my h, she has sent letters detailing the A, these were given to H when I was around and detail times and places and even times when I helped by babysitting for her. She has rung my office and left voicemails telling me when they had sex during one of our false recoveries. She has manipulated the situation wherever possible and seems to want to cause maximum pain.

I really feel that this time my h wants to try and work things out with me. Whilst we dont have a recovery plan, we now share the same hobbies and spend lots of time together, but this pregnancy scare has come so early during this recovery, I am scared he will now feel he has to go back to her.

He told me that he had said he would not go back for the child but would support her. I told him I would suppot him but there has to be NC with ow - or at least only when necessary. He seemed shocked that I thought it wouldnt change things between us in terms of out reconcilliation, I guess ow told him I would say it was over this time. H told me he still has deep feelings for ow.

I dont know what to do or say right now, I dont even know how I feel, all I want to do is cry. I know I have to be strong around him and continue with my plan A, but I dont know how. A huge part of me just wants to end all the pain and leave him to it - I know he will be so unhappy with her, 4 attempts at living together have not worked. He cat stay away from me - at least I like to think that - and he has never ever wanted children. He spends no time with ow almost 4 yrs old and shows no inclination of wanting to be his daddy.

Ow apparently said she would not want him back just for the child (if there is one). I know this is manipulation and I hope it is not true, but what do I do. I feel so lost, I cant tell ,my family or friends as they would just say that was the end of the line and I really dont want to lose him.

Please help with any advice you can. Should I just go to plan B and leave or ask him to leave? This really hurts. I thought the A did, but this is just plain cruel, especially the uncertainty. He still excuses her for everything. He is off having fun tonight at his club, his one night alone and away from me, I am just left to my feelings of hurt.

Losing,
Sorry you are going through this. Continue to read, post, and take care of yourself. I doubt OW is pregnant. There are some tests she can take on the market that can tell about 10 days prior to due date of cycle. Good luck to you. tew

she hasn't even missed a period yet?! i'd be willing to bet $ that it's just a desperate attempt to try to get her claws back in him!

i pray that she's lying and that you and your h can put her in the past (where she belongs) and focus on your future together.

my thoughts and prayers are with you. keep us posted.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please help with any advice you can. Should I just go to plan B and leave or ask him to leave? This really hurts. I thought the A did, but this is just plain cruel, especially the uncertainty. He still excuses her for everything. He is off having fun tonight at his club, his one night alone and away from me, I am just left to my feelings of hurt.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Losing,
your H must commit back to you for this to work...going out and acting against you is not the right thing to do.

Read this site over and perhaps plan B soon. He has no business doing clubs w/o you and having disregard for you and your feelings.

Perhaps counseling w/Harleys is what you need.
Best wishes and blessings.
love
Debi

Thanks for the replies.

Tew
Thanks. I am in the UK and am not sure if these tests are available. I think that her just saying it is possible and not definite is so cruel and controlling. I bet she knows exactly what she is putting us through.

Steph
I so hope she is not pregnant, although even if she is not, it has really set back our recovery - if we were having one. H is now in contact with her which I guess is what she really wanted.

Gemini

The club my H went to is a regular shooting club so I do not mind him going. However, he said he was going to the pub afterwards but I saw him leaving ow street before coming home so he would have been to see her for a bit instead of the pub. I asked him and said I saw him but he denied it. Its such a blatant lie so why do it? He said he spoke to her in the afternoon only.
I have had 2 counselling sessions with SH so far and am considering another one but I am not sure what he can do know. I think my options are :
1. If H stays, we go for NC and try and recover. If ow is pregnant then NC with her and see what works out best in 9 mths!
2. Plan B and ask him to leave or me to leave if he will not comitt to 1 above.
3. DV

I really dont know what to do for the best. I love my H and want my M to work, but at the end of the day, if he keeps running back to ow every time she threatens, manipluates or demands, what chance is there. I hope and pray she is not pregnant. From my limited knowledge of biology there is a chance but only if she is due to start her period at the start of next week. How soon after conceprtion do women start to feel symptons?

I look forward to more advice, I really do need help at the moment, all I want to do at the moment is cry. My h was supposed to be talking to me this evening, but now he says why? what will it achieve, it will just go round and round. I need to know what his plans are. Does he want ow or does he want me? This is so cruel, but it is ow plan to hurt me and h, I dont know why.

Losing_hope,

Your plans sound normal. I hope your counselor can help you devise a plan.

Your H seems in a classic fog. He has moved home and that is a good thing. Now he must re-commit to you. Seeing ow in any way will just make things worse. Lying is common at first.

Will he see counselor w/you?

Ask him.

I am sorry you must deal w/this.

Please read all you can from this site and apply them to your situation. A POJA and honesty policy helps. He must know he wants to go ahead with you as his wife before all that happens and it is a helluva ride.
I'll pray for you.

love
Debi

Well, it seems that ow went to a clinic and took a trest and the pregnancy is confirmed. H believes her totally, I will wait until it shows before I am convinced although I will assume the worst.
H is in full contact with her and is acting as her sole support in this. She is making the most of course. This is really damaging our recvovery but that is what she wants. I am just going to plan A a bit longer and wait it out I guess. It funny how she got her dates wrong though, originally she wasnt due until next week, noiw she is overdue. Perhaps she didnt kjnow orihginally that h was taking me away this weekend.....just a thought.
lh

Losing I typed a longer response but it was lost!

Get into counseling soon! Your H must sever contact w/ow if he wants to continue marriage!

Call your church. Please.
love
Debi

Losing_hope,

Just to reiterate from my posts over on EN; I'd suggest that you hang a while in Plan A right now. The OW will be putting plenty of pressure on your husband, and that provides lots of opportunities for lovebusting behavior on her part. Try to hang tough for a month or two, and get your plan B into place (prepare the letter, figure out the specifics of separation, etc.). I think another session with Steve would be a good pick-me-up for you, but I'll bet he's going to give you the same advice.

Your husband can't be a very happy camper right now. You've got an opportunity to provide support and fill his love bank. It's not going to be what he expects (he'll expect that you'll boot him out), and doing the unexpected in these situations is always a good thing.

God bless.

Gemini
Thanks for your post. I have a session with SH later today.

K
Thanks for your comments here and the EN board. I have posted a longer update on the en thread. You are so right, ow is putting a huge amount of pressure on h right now. The only problem is that h may surcome to the pressure.
While we were away, he intimated that he had considered suicide, He feels torn in half and doesnt know what to do. ow is now telling him that if he doesnt comitt to her and leave me she will terminate the pregnancy. She says she doesnt want to but doesnt want another child on her own. She will not contemplate my involvement in any way. She is being nasty to h both in voicemails and letters. H is feeling swampted and lost. I am trying to support him, but it is difficult as he doesnt open up to me. He does know and appreciate that I am there for him.
He is really depressed at the moment and doesnt know what to do. I feel that the fact he is still with me speaks volumes for the fact he doesnt want her. However, I feel that he will ultimatly go back to her.
If you have any suggestions as to how I can help him, I would love to hear them. I have an appt with SH later today. I am sure that you are right and that SH will say what you have told me already. I will post a meeting note later.
Lh