Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 253
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 253
I started posting here about 1 1/2 ago, but never posted too much because we weren't sure about oc and didn't have to deal with many of the issues regarding that.

I remember reading a couple of posts here just like mine and praying that I, too, could experience a miracle like my dh being excluded as the sperm donor.

Well, it's happened. Test results have come back and my BIL is the father, NOT my husband.

It's strange how I used to trust x-ow's word over my dh's. X-ow has been lying for almost 6 years! She never once told anyone that she slept with my husband's brother. Heck, even my BIL wasn't fessing up! She lied to my face about so many things! For the past 1 1/2 years, I've believed this woman and let her have control over my life, just be believing her.

Anyways, my husband and I have gotten over the toughest thing that a marriage could go thru (well, close to the top) in spite of believing that he had oc. Then, to find out that there is no oc, makes things so much better!!!!!

We truly have a better marriage than we ever did and I am so thankful for that!

I just wanted to share my story with you.....

Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 654
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 654
wahoo!!!!

Please continue to work on your marriage. Best to you!

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Welcome to the "get out of jail free" club.

I too was one of the lucky ones that was blessed with awesome DNA results. So I know your joy first hand.

It does feel good. Now your challenge is to completely put this chapter of your lives behind you and keep your marriage on the front burners ALWAYS. Never ever forget what you've made it through and use it as a tool to motivate you when you are feeling the blahs about your marriage. I know those two statements are contradictory. I guess I mean ... let the pain and hurt go, but never forget what complacency can get you.

Every day I'm grateful for how God has touched our lives and hearts and given us a "second chance" at a "no strings attached" marriage.

Consider yourself blessed.

Best of Luck,
Z.

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,369
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,369
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tinlizzy:
[QB]to find out that there is no oc, makes things so much better!!!!!
QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, that's the understatement of the millenium.

Congratulations.

Catnip =^^=

Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
Whewwwwwwwwww!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Congratulations!!!

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 903
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 903
Congratulations! I'm soooo happy for you.
Take this gift and run with it. Work on a tighter marriage for you and your Hubby.

Congrats on membership in the "get out of jail free" club.

I,myself, am hoping for the "free parking" club myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (adoption) but that may not be the case for me. If not, I'll continue on.

Congrats again,
Hugs,
Twiisty

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 100
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 100
Congratulations to you! I am still waiting in limbo because OW did not show up for testing. She has been served another letter to show up for testing on 25th awaiting that day. Well, I have pretty much told myself OC is H's. That is in part by God. I dreamed he had baby before he even told me. I even told him about dream. Also, seems to me he is convinced OC is his. So I am pretty much expecting the worst. However, I am very happy for you. God bless you and good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 253
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 253
I joyfully accept memership to the "get out of jail free club"!!!!

I am soooo grateful.

Just a couple of weeks ago we attended the Keeping Love Alive seminar (put on by Michelle at DivorceBusting.com). It seems that as we start getting comfortable again, we start inching back to our old patterns of thoughtlessness of each other. So, we're doing our best (especially with me being 7mo pregnant) to keep the fires burning here at home.

Thanks for all of the support that I received when I first came here. I remember thinking that I was the only one out there that had this situation. Then I found this place and knew I wasn't all alone.

Zebrababy, do you actually find that it's a challenge to put this chapter out of your lives? I focused so much on oc before, I hope that I've really dealt with the actual affair issues. I also wouldn't mind a 'thanks for standing by me even though we believed there was an oc'. Is that too much to ask?

Catnip, yes, I guess that was a bit of an understatement.

Prayers and blessings to all........

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 214
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 214
Congrats on your good news!

peace!

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 709
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 709
Hello,
Congrads.

Dawn

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Tinlizzy,

you asked:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Zebrababy, do you actually find that it's a challenge to put this chapter out of your lives? I focused so much on oc before, I hope that I've really dealt with the actual affair issues. I also wouldn't mind a 'thanks for standing by me even though we believed there was an oc'. Is that too much to ask?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it really wasn't hard to put the chapter behind us. It really allowed us to concentrate fully on the marriage. We didn't have the dark secret looming over our heads. There was no outside influences of OW to distract us from our purpose.

As far as expecting a "thank you". I don't know what to say. I can't remember my H ever verbally saying those words. But I saw his thanks in his actions. I saw how he put me back on the pedistal I belonged on as his wife. I saw him making extra efforts when he easily could have chosen not to go the extra mile for me. And his putting in the work to rebuild and fertilize our marriage was thanks enough.

i find that when you have expectations of what you want to see and hear you often overlook the efforts being put forth. And also ... sometimes we make people aware of what we are expecting and it doesn't feel natural to them if they do it. It almost feels like it's forced. Does that make sense?

Now that doesn't mean you can't express your needs to him. But you can't dictate what you want him to say to you. I used to find myself wanting to him to say a lot of things and was so disappointed when he didn't say them. All the while I was missing all the non-verbals he was giving me. When I expressed my disappointment about what he hadn't said, he felt like all the effort he was giving was unappreciated and overlooked. And he was right.

So my advice to you. Take this blessing and start over. Make today be your first day of your new marriage. Walk into it with only expectations of it being a sucess. Make a promise to yourself that you will be the best wife, friend, helpmate, lover you can be and watch your husband follow your example. Remember it will be in his way and in his time.

You couldn't be rushed to "get over it" and he can't be rushed into expressing himself verbally. Men traditionally have a hard time with that. As long as there is forward progression you'll be in good shape.

God bless,
Z.

<small>[ March 19, 2003, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: zebrababy ]</small>

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 253
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 253
Zebrababy, you are so wise!

I *do* see the 'thanks' in his actions and I do believe that actions speak louder than words. I just wasn't seeing beyond the words that I wanted to hear. Thank you for the reminder!

Thanks for the congrats and well wishes to all!

twiisty, I pray that you are able to get the 'free parking', as you want <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

butterflie, from what I've read here, it doesn't sound like oc is your husband's. I don't understand why she would avoid testing.

It angers me how much power I gave x-ow just by us not initiating the testing. I have loads of anger towards her for her lies and hope that I can let all that go....for me and our new life.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 38 guests, and 59 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Qwerty1234, Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY
71,738 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,738
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5