I came to this site knowing full well the primary beliefs of MB'ers. Yet I thought, that I would still be welcomed, even if I had not had my D~Day prior to posting on the Message Boards. Yesterday was the first day I have spoken of my A with anyone. I was looking to get this out there, somewhere. I wasn't looking for any sympathy, but by the same token, I didn't know I would be immediately told that only dire things could happen to me and all those around me if I didn't confess immediately, (or at least after reading up and getting advice from the Harleys or others qualified to do so). I know all of you are correct, even you TMCM, who said it "would be my own funeral". However, since you all are the first I've breathed a word of this too, (haven't even told my dog...sorry, have to have a little lightheartness, even now)...you are naturally all the first I've received advice from. I say all this to say, that I get the distinct impression that you won't really want to deal with me, listen to me, or whatever, until I confess to my H. I understand and admire your deep convictions. One thing I normally can't tolerate is a "fence sitting" or "luke warm" person, yet I know I am displaying these characteristics in my posts so far. Each of you seem to be very brave, couragous people, of which I have not been yet. I hope you can put up with me until and through my D~Day, even though, at this time I cannot promise when that will be. Each of us may have similar situations, but I believe also many vast differences. For one, it seems that many of the posts, old and new that I have scanned through, I have found that many of the WW w/ OC, had a H who were a WH in the past. I am about as positive as one can be, that my H has not been a WH. He is about as "holy" as they come. When I tried to leave last year before the A, he basically would not hear of it. He said, "I don't care if you don't love me, get over it, pick yourself up, change, do whatever you have to, but this marriage is going to last forever whether you are happy in it or not, we made vows, and a committment, nobody is going anywhere!" I am not saying these things to be a whiner or play victim, trust me, I know who the victim is in this situation. So, actually, I'm not so fearful of him leaving me when I confess the A and OC,(although I know that could happen too). This sounds so shallow and weak, but it seems like it would be easier to confess if I knew he had done some awful thing to undermine our M. I know no one is infallible, but he is darn close, in my eyes, anyway. He has more integrity in his little toe, than I have in my whole being! Also, I am pretty positive, that he would not seek any counseling after D~Day, as I begged for it the first 19 years of our M, and he always said, "No way, I'm not going to go rehash all the years of a bunch of 'he said, she said' junk!" Again, I find myself rambling, but I said all of that because, I don't know when I will confess, but that I hope I will still be welcome here anyway. If I feel unwelcome, I know I simply can just stop posting, and go my way. It is just good to have this sounding board, for however long it lasts.

Thanks,
Aut

ps.God Bless our Troops, and their families!!!

AUTUMN

of course your welcome, I think every one here understands the devistation it may cause if and when this comes out, we all sound strong, only beause we have all gone through something that will change our lives forever..

No one wants to see a child hurt, there are those here who have not told the child of there beggining. That may come much later.. the focus now should be on when and if you should tell your husband, I think all are in agreement that if you keep this a secret, secrets have a way of backfiring on us.. when we least expect it. No ONE wants that to happen to you and i guess we hope we can keep someone from making mistakes like some of us have.
I hope you can understand that and no one means to offend you, although I have been offended on many occaisions here. Keep posting and do this in your own time, it is your choice of course, we just give advice from experience. Not meant to undermine your emotional state and feelings at this time, and believe me I know all of them, have been through them all.

My husband does not believe in counseling, wont do it, I even tried to get om and his wife to do counseling with us on how to make this the best for my daughter, because I was worried about some of the behavior we were seeing, but that didnt wash either.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> doesnt mean it isnt a good idea, go for your self and work on you.

by the most are not hee on the weekends.. I am just here because I am waiting for hubby to come home.

Autumnday,

I am saddened to read that you feel that you are unwelcome here! Regardless of when you tell your H about the A/OC, you are more than welcome here! Please don't take my insistance of honesty as do it or else leave this board! That has never been posted by myself! I will still recommend that you tell your H as soon as possible, and that is so that you can heal your M! Whether you believe it or not, it is the best thing to do! And, your H deserves at least the truth, don't you think? If I didn't believe that, then I would have never told H about the first A that I'd had years prior to the one that produced Abbi! It was history, old news, in the past! Why bring it up, because I couldn't be honest about anything else if I still had that secret! Do you understand what I'm saying? I'd had no contact with that xOM in years! Yet, I still told H about it out of my respect for him and our M! Please, don't be run off, especially while your pain is still so fresh! You are more than welcome here, and I, for one, don't want you to leave!

Tigger

Hey, quit hitting yourself so hard for human failure. You have taken the first step in the right direction by comming here. I am extremely new to the site, but I have seen that they people here are FAMILY, that is they are honest with each other and extend unconditional love to those who are seeking support. Some of that support is wrapped in a boot and strikes you in the head, but with some of us thick headed people that is the way we need it. I haven't seen one incident of turning the back on someone seeking help. Misunderstandings are not uncommon when you are feeling vulnerable, or fearful of exposing yourself to ridicule. nobody her needs to do that to us, we all do it to ourselves. It is a big club that you have joined and it is made up of every kind of person you could immagine. They just want to encourage you to go the next step, because they have learned that the water is not always as hot or deep as we expected. (Damn if you tied a brick to my tongue I'd beat my own brains out with all this talk, wouldn't I?) Sorry about wrambling along. Just stay with the site and grow stronger.

Autumnday,

I am sort of replying to this thread and your other thread. You inquired as to why you would tell your H, if you can keep this secret. I like many that have posted to you can give you a long list of reasons you should tell. But, one sticks out to me; </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H and C, also all family and friends are very excited for the coming of this OC. I am not excited, because I know the truth. I live with the guilt of not only doing this awful thing to my H, M & C, but also for being a wimp, not revealing the truth. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The bold part is the primary reason. You are having a child you are not excited about. You will raise a child that represents to you your worst failing and a great deception. Do you think that is doing the child a favor?

Now telling your H isn't going to relieve all of the guilt, but it will remove some of it. What you don't realize and many of the woman and posters here do, is that to keep this a secret you are going to have to lock part of yourself away from your H. You are going to have to close off and PROTECT from him any cracks that might lead him to suspect.

Now, there are other reasons, and the one that comes to my mind is CHEMISTRY. Yup, good old chemistry, you see your child may become ill and need a blood test. Most people might know enough to know when the blood types don't match. That information is becoming more and more obvious and common as you fill out medical forms for school, church trips whatever. Are you going to lock this child away?

Next is DNA testing. Another fine way to find out if you H isn't the father. It is more often done in medical emergecies and such.

Now given your age, most states require an amnio test for birth defects. That would be a good time to really find out if your H is the father. You can probably have the test done without his knowledge. I don't know. But, before you do anything make sure what the problem really is: ie is this child your H's or not.

Now you are not the first lady to post on here and worry about telling your H. One lady, Jill, angonized over this decision for over a year (obviously she was not pregnant)she eventually decided she had to, the secret was killing the marriage. Another that posts here occasionally CMiranda had not told her H that the child he loves is not his, the last I heard.

There have been many men posting here, finding out years later that a child they loved was not their child, it really really tore most of them up.

My point is you are welcome to post and interact and I think you will get our best advice, but I must tell you that most here feel that the best advice is to tell, because it will open up your marriage and hopefully allow it to heal.

From your description of your H, knowledge of this affair may have a very profound affect on him, and it may not be what you expect. Yes, he will be deeply hurt in ways that women really cannot imagine (it is a males worst nightmare), but it also might allow him to see things differently and thus lead to growth on both of your parts.

Growth usually takes pain or a compelling reason. I think your situation surely offers both of those for him and you.

So keep posting, get DNA test if you have an aminio done. And then tell the one closest to you in the world your deepest secret; your H. That is my advice.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you, thank you ALL, those replies were an encouragement to me! JL, ty especially, for some reason, your words really hit home with me. You didn't even mention if you were a WS or a BS, perhaps you are neither, but just someone with a lot of insight. I do want to respond to the fact that you brought up my unexcitement of the baby to come. I don't want to give the impression that I don't love this baby growing inside of me, because I am so deeply in love with him/her already! I don't understand how I can love this baby when it was produced from something so dark, ugly and self~indulgent, but I do, and I feel it has nothing to do with the X-OM, because I wish beyond belief that it was my H's. I am having a genetics ultra sound on April 1, the specialist looks specifically for birth defects, and I am praying for this baby's good health, but can't help but wonder if my ultimate punishment from God would be an unhealthy baby. I am curious if any of the other cheating spouses on here went through a similar thing, but the entire time I was in the A, I would talk to God, and tell him I knew what I was doing was wrong, and that I knew He would have a great consequence for me to pay someday, but that I just couldn't stop yet. What an idiot I was, knowing between right and wrong, and still choosing wrong, but I guess that's a silly statement, because we all know it is wrong. Getting back to the baby, when I say I am not excited, it is because I don't believe it is something I should be celebrating, and my guilt comes from seeing everyone else celebrating something they would be apalled to know the truth of. I can tell you that each and everytime another person would find out, I felt guilty and deceptive, especially my in-laws. Each time, I actually said to myself, "Ok, another person that I just lied to, and another person who will be affected if this lie ever comes to light in a public manner". I agree about the Chemistry issue. It is the one I think of most. I don't know if you read the thread I posted last night about my sib. putting 2 and 2 together to realize that another sib of ours couldn't possibly be our father's. She stumbled upon that when doing an extensive family tree/geneology research. For some reason she needed to know the blood type of each of us, and that's when she found out. Actually, it was her daughter, that was in Biology more recently then her that noticed the blood type of my sib not being compatible with my dad. So, I do see how easy things like that can be stumbled upon, not to mention in a crisis situation, where it would have to come out!! I don't even know the blood type of my H, and of course not the X-OM, come to think of it I don't know the types of my children. Also, a foot note, my sib thinks I'm not my dad's either, but can't prove it by my blood type alone, just intuition, and the fact that the sib that isn't my dad's, and I look so much alike, and different from all the other sibs. Anyway, I have rambled again, when all I really wanted to say was Thank you to each of you. God bless!!

~Aut

I hope my rants didn't give you the impression that you wouldn't be responded to if you still didn't tell your H the truth.

Sometimes the truth, as devastating as it is, can help wake up a BS from denial and make him/her confront his contribution to the marriage that made the environment ripe for an A to happen. In other words, this ordeal can help your H to finally deal with those issues that he has been reluctant to resolve in the past and were driving you insane to the point of almost leaving him prior to your A. Many BS's found out the hard way that they were far from being the saints they thought they were, and made the decision to change and become better spouses. What if your H is one of these?

Autumnday,

You said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't understand how I can love this baby when it was produced from something so dark, ugly and self~indulgent, but I do, and I feel it has nothing to do with the X-OM, because I wish beyond belief that it was my H's. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know exactly what you mean here! I felt the same way through my whole pregnancy! I would also have a hard time with enjoying all those special moments, like feeling the baby move for the first time! Seeing the first ultrasound! In my mind, how could I when it was the product of something so ugly! Well, that all changed when she was born! She is the MOST innocent in all that happened, and deserves a wonderful life! My H and I had already decided to raise her as our own, and not even inform xOM, and so have never done any DNA testing. But, we are 99.9% possitive that xOM is the sperm donor. It's like with your sib's blood type. I know all the blood types, as between my H and I, our other children have had what's called "A B O incompatibility", where, very similar to the Rh- factor, my blood see's the baby's blood as a bad thing, and "attacks" their blood. It's not as dangerous as the Rh-, as the baby's blood is able to counter attack. It just causes severe jaundice, which needs to be monitored about every 6-12 hours, depending on the severity. All our children had this problem, as I am O+ and H is A+. Our children are all A+(including the child that we put up for adoption when I was just out of HS and H was a senior), but Abbi is O+. Now, I also know for a fact, as I helped xOM out with transportation to the hospital before a surgery before anything ever happened w/us, that he is O-. Therefore, if you know anything about bloodtypes, you usually can't get an O+ or even O- from an A+ and an O+. You usually only get O from two O contributors! There are a few cases where the prior is not true, but with our history(H and mine) it's not likely.

Ok, enough of the biology lesson. I wanted to comment on another statement:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am having a genetics ultra sound on April 1, the specialist looks specifically for birth defects, and I am praying for this baby's good health, but can't help but wonder if my ultimate punishment from God would be an unhealthy baby. I am curious if any of the other cheating spouses on here went through a similar thing, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I don't know if you could look at it that way, but Abbi has a severe eye problem! She has worn glasses since she was 15 months old due to her right eye being SEVERLY crossed, and farsighted! You know what my first reaction was? "I did this to her!!!!" None of my other children even wear glasses, and I have only a slight nearsightedness! I even asked the doctor if this was something genetic or is it something that could just happen. Well, he said it could be either case! I am a lot better about this situation now, but still wonder about it at times! But, she is otherwise VERY healthy!

But, I have also had my H holding my hand every step of the way. Yes, I'm gonna plug the, "you really need to tell your H the truth" statement again. See, it's just another reason to tell your H what's happened. If you do have complications, and you start a severe depression, because you haven't told H the truth, he won't be able to help you through it! I know that everyone's reactions are different to these types of situations, but from your prior post about your wanting to leave H before, I believe that he will stand by you. But, you need to give him that chance, and the sooner, the better, cause the healing can begin that much sooner! Ok, I'll stop nagging you about telling your H the truth now. But, I wanted you to know how things had/have gone for me!

Please continue to post!

Tigger

****edited to correct errors! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 30, 2003, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]</small>

I think it is unfortunate that your husband discounts your feelings and desires and seems like sort of a dictator. For those reasons alone, he probably should be told the truth. You are not a child and you need his participation in fixing whatever is wrong with your marriage. What I can't understand is why he would even want to be married to someone who is not in love with him when those romantic feelings can be rekindled with some coaching.

Affairs are symptoms of troubled marriages, not what cause the troubles. Too bad your husband refuses to consider your suggestions regarding counseling, that's probably the best thing for you!

Why not ask again and keep asking until he can see that it might be helpful?

Harley does it by telephone--do you think your H would go for that? It's just a simple phone call... Why not?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Affairs are symptoms of troubled marriages, not what cause the troubles.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry BTDT, but I beg to differ with you.

There are different types of A's and some of them are NOT symptomatic of troubled marriages.

But with regards to autumnday's situation, the truth revealed to her H, MAY become a wake up call that could finally open his eyes about the magnitude of their pre-A marital troubles. Just the fact that autumnday was ready to leave him prior to her A, is of HUGE significance. It is another reason, among many, that I join the chorus of voices telling her to reveal the truth to her H.

<small>[ March 31, 2003, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Hi Autumnday
I hope you are in better spirit. here are some basic principals you can read to help you along.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3801_honesty.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3802_honesty.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3803_honesty.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3804_honesty.html

this one is very important vv
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063b_qa.html

All of these pertain to your situation. Please read and go over with H OK

<small>[ April 01, 2003, 07:14 AM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

autumnday,

it's been a few days since i logged onto mb... looks like lots has happend! i'll add my welcome to those you've already received although i'm sorry you find yourself here.

as you can see in my sig line, i'm a bit younger and a fair bit further along in my pregnancy than you (infact i'm currently dealing with some of those wonderful third trimester symptoms, mainly insomnia and heartburn - fun times).

telling my h was such a hard thing to do. not only did he have to find out about the A and the oc in one blow, but also the fact that the op was a good friend. plus, this will be our first child. his initial reaction was, "you've taken away my firstborn child" and "i'll NEVER love this baby!". but just the other day he INSISTED we buy this super cute, super tiny, pair of overalls for him (it's a boy). i can't believe how far he's come! i honestly believed that he was telling me the truth when he said he'd never be able to love this baby, and i think he's surprised both of us.

not that it hasn't been hard at times. one of the reasons you seem reluctant to tell you h (which i can TOTALLY understand, though may not agree with) is that you don't want to upset the positives that have come of it, ie. the atmosphere in your home, the relationship between you and your h. i guess what i want to stress is that after the initial pain (and it will likely be great/intense/severe), this pregnancy and the new baby still have the ability to bring about all sorts of positive changes.

k, i'm gonna give the whole sleep thing another go soon, but i wanted to add my 2 cents and support. this is a great place to start and you've already received some wonderful advice from some of those who've gone before. their advice/experience is invaluable.

best of luck and prayers,

amy

autumnday,
My ex-WH had an affair that resulted in the birth of a baby boy who has Down Syndrome. He blamed himself wondering if it was punishment for the affair. There was a nasty little part of me that wanted to believe it because of all the hurt he caused me. I just couldn't do it! My line of reasoning: Lots of people have affairs that don't result in pregnancy. Most babies born of affairs are perfectly healthy. Regardless of the faults of the parents, this little being is totally innocent and did nothing wrong to "deserve" a birth defect. I had a child with a birth defect in my first marriage, which was a totally monogamous relationship. I hope some of these thoughts are helpful.