K~
This is in response to your thread on MJ's post when she first found the ring receipt. I haven't posted for a few weeks. Mostly because I haven't told my H the truth yet, and figured anything I would say on here would be repetative and whiny. Secondly, because reading all the posts were making me so emotional, and causing me to cry that I needed a break for awhile.

I checked back today and got caught up with some of the goings on of the board as of late. K, I must say, your thread to MJ struck a chord with me. When you told your Christmas stories in such a light hearted manner, actually referring to them as funny stories, the tears came back to me again. Instead of wondering what the heck I was doing on here again, your stories gave me hope for my situation. Then for you to show such love for your little boy, who I'm assuming is the oc, topped it off for me. Especially when you gave the impression that you consider him a gift you received out of the whole mess. I don't know how much time has transpired for you since your W's A, but I am in awe at your attitude, but realize it probably came with much work, and suffering. The fact that you are into antique duck decoys reminded me so much of my H, as he is always looking for them, going to as many shows and shops as time allows. I know it's silly but even that seemed like a sign of hope for me. It must be the pregnancy, and the emotional, and sometimes silly roller coaster I've been on! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I now have a question for you and anyone else who may have some thoughts or insights into something that occurred a few weeks ago. My H and I were in the tail end of a heated argument, we were in the quiet, reflective, near making up stage. He sofly, and sadly said something like, "I just don't understand the way you can be and the things you do sometimes." I responded meekly with, "You don't know the half of it." He then blew me away with, "If it is something that will tear me apart and cause a lot of pain for us both, I don't want to know." I was in such disbelief, (not because it was out of character for him to say something like that, because it's not...he has never liked gory details), but because I as a woman, upon hearing the same thing I had said to my H, would not sleep till I heard the "half of it"!! He just left it alone and didn't press me on it then, nor since. It made me wonder again, if somewhere deep inside he knows the truth, but doesn't want to confront it just yet, (as some of you discussed when I first came to the board). I am so torn, I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know I must tell him, but I am struggling with the how, the where and the when. Then when he says stuff like that, I start to have these major doubts again, that tell me I must live with this on my own, for as long as I can. I honestly don't know how long I can keep it to myself, as it is beginning to consume me. The baby is moving within me stronger and stronger each day, and with each kick I feel, the joy of this innocent life is mixed with deep feelings of remorse. I feel guilty each time my H puts his hand on my tummy to feel him moving. I have even had thoughts of the x-om, (not of a re-kindling, or any kind of contact), but of wondering how he could walk away not knowing if I aborted, or what, being angry on one hand that he didn't care, yet on the other hand, thankful that he didn't care, and easily walked away. I think constantly on how much pain I am going to bring upon my husband, and keep trying to assess in my mind what his reactions will be. Naturally I wonder if this baby that he loves so much now, will be a baby that he hates so much after I tell him, it just seems so scary and strange to me. (but that is where your post, K gave me hope!) I began to pray the other day for God to soften his heart, and begin to prepare him for the news I will be telling him someday. Do you think that is a selfish prayer? I can't remember a time in my life where my emotions were so mixed, nor a time I was so confused. If a baby could be miscarried by daily anguish and tears, this baby would have been gone a long time ago. I think he is a trooper, and although his beginnings were the fruit of something very bad, I can't help but think that he is meant to be. God already knows him, every hair on his body, and even the number of his days and I hang onto that knowledge. Ok, I have totally rambled tonight, but I really needed a sounding board.

Thanks all,
~aut

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I began to pray the other day for God to soften his heart, and begin to prepare him for the news I will be telling him someday. Do you think that is a selfish prayer?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Partly, but if you've ever experienced a temporary hardening of your heart, you'll recall that it is a hideous thing to experience. So if God softens your H's heart towards you and the OC, without a doubt, the main beneficiary will be him.

Just a quick clarification. I realized I never really asked the question I said I had at the beginning of paragraph 2. The question is really just if anyone has any insights or thoughts re. my H saying he didn't want to hear anything that would tear him up. Do I just ignore that, because, of course no one wants to hear anything that will tear them up, but sometimes has to, in order for the truth to come to light? I guess I already know the answer to that one, just need some advice to go a long with the "yes tell him and tell him soon"

I dont know what to tell you, but My husband knew from day one, although we both wanted this not to be so... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I didnt have to say it for him to know.

I knew every one of his transgressions, and he didnt have to tell me to know, I just knew. Most of the time, we all know, it just depends on if we want our minds and hearts to accept it. At least thats how I felt.

Back to the point of the baby, My husband loves her with all his heart. He plays with her even plays barbie if she wants. , calls her daily, takes her places with him,bathes her, has pictures to show off to the guys at work, She calls him daddy, but knows she has two dads, But no one could replace the love she has for her dad[my husband] But if you had been around in the beggining of things a few years ago you would have never known there was so much love. Things change daily, dont give up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Autumnday,

I too think your H knows. But, I suspect you are misreading something. From what you have said, your H doesn't have a hard heart. He has a very soft heart, and he knows it, hence his statement.

But, I suspect the bad news he worries about isn't so much that the child isn't his, but that you don't love him. He probably fears more than anything that YOU don't love him, that is the bad news he is afraid of hearing. That is my sealed envelop guess based on my very very little knowledge of this situation.

Something for you to think about.

God Bless,

JL

JL~

I was thinking as I typed it, that it would probably be misunderstood. You are correct when you say my H has a soft heart. In fact he is known as a big softy and even a bit of a push-over, (but not in a bad, boring, "Mr. Milktoast" way). He has a big bark, as I do, but a very soft heart. I am merely worried that my news will have a lasting hardening affect on him. I guess I was asking God to somehow prepare his heart for the news.

On your guess that you think he fears me not loving him, you hit it on the nail. I told him on a few occasions in the past year, prior to and during my A that I didn't love him. Each time he would get very angry, hurt, and say that was the cruelest thing I could possibly say and that he didn't want to hear it ever again. I would get so frustrated, because the last thing I was trying to do was to be mean. I was desperately trying to show him why I wanted to leave, because no other explanation worked. Not loving him wasn't an adequate explanation either, because he saw it only as being mean spirited.

I'm afraid the baby not being his will be the proof that I didn't love him at the time, and now it will be too late, too lame, and way too little to tell him that I do love him now. Thanks though, TMCM, Mof5, and JL for your replies, they have been helpful as always.

autumn,

I'll get back to you later in the day---I'm swamped this morning...

(OK---a couple minutes).

Regarding my situation, my little boy (an OC) is four and a half, so it's been a while. An old post tells most of the affair part of the story, and that's here.. I will say that I was very fortunate to have God working on me early (and Steve Harley, too)---the OC wasn't a "surprise" for me, it was a consequence to my wife's affair, and in many ways I welcomed the "reality" that the pregnancy injected into their fantasy relationship. You've got a different road at this point.

I think that the other posters have hit this one accurately. Your husband knows something is wrong. And he may even suspect that it's the circumstances around this pregnancy. But my guess would also be that he's more worried about losing you at this point.

I would encourage you to do the same thing that I did. Call the MB office for an appointment (888-639-1639). Explain the situation to Steve or Jenn, and ask for their help in setting up a plan. My firm belief is that this plan will include telling your husband the truth. But you will have provided him a safety net in the form of available MB counseling for him. If you two immediately start working together on dealing with this---my guess is that you'll be successful in restoring your marriage.

And to answer one of your questions---I believe that my OC is a gift, directly from God. He's a joy and delight, and I can't imagine life without him now. I hope that you and your husband will eventually get to that point of view with this child.

God bless.

<small>[ April 24, 2003, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: K ]</small>

K~

Thank you so much for your reply. I did go back and read your story. All I can say right now, is WOW...you went down a very awful and winding road. I have even more respect for you now. I could hear the blood pounding in my ears as I read your story. I am gaining the courage to tell my H, almost feeling an urgency to tell him. I just can't imagine him reading anything about LB's and the like, (I realize we are both major LB people <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> !!!) nor submitting to any kind of counseling as you so readily did. I do have a bit of a good feeling that I could be wrong, though. That some high powered lights will come on for him, and he will see just how seriously messed up our marriage/me has been for a long time.

Thanks again,
~aut

Autumn,

I just want to apologize for not replying to this post sooner. I really don't know what to tell you, as my H knew of P almost the minuet that I did! We went through my whole pregnancy with the knowledge that we had chosen to raise the OC/Abbi as our own child! I have been keeping up with your story(when you post) and will be here when I can for support/advice! Keep us informed.

Tigger