THisis....,

Perhaps you should address your remarks to me, as it seems it is my comment that has bothered you so much.I would be happy to discuss it with you, if you like, but probably another thread is appropriate.

I realize you are not aware of FH and Pop's history. I know you are not aware of the raging debates about how CS hurts the family of the WH who has children. All have taken place on this site and in fact driven people from here.

I will say that my comment was specific to FH and Pop's situation and directly at her OM particularly. He is the one that brought it to court, and he is the one that continues to make outrageous demands, so I hope he gets royally screwed by the courts. He is too stupid to take care of his own family.

Are you getting the idea I don't care for his behavior? I hope so. Some people only learn after they ruin everything and he is on his way to trying to do that. By the way, he does have enough money to keep hiring a lawyer, but he also doesn't have 6,7?? (I forget) kids at home to raise as FH and Pop's do.

So if you would like to vent, or talk, I would be happy to. Frankly,I do think the children of the BS should be considered in court, but it seems the only way that happens is if they file for divorce first. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> You won't get an arguement from me about the court system being a mess on these issues, but they are difficult to deal with and one size doesn't fit all.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

First off, pops you are too funny! Cardiologist? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Thanks for the laugh of the day.

You and fullhouse have come such a long way.

You were right to let thisisnotmylife know we, the bs, have felt like she does at some point.

In fact go way back to 2000, 2001. Look at me! Yikes!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It does get better (?) with time, talking, having a poja, honesty, romance, and a strong commitment from each other.

What we have to remember is everyone here has a unique story. They are not our ow,om.

Repairing marriage in this horrific situation is what this site is all about. The ow who post here are doing what they can to make ammends.

fullhouse and pops, as I said before, I wish you both blessings. Good luck in court. Pray about things and I'm sure they will work out for the best.

We're about the same ages. I understand why you want cs pops. BUT we are in opposite positions. Our cs was supposed to be for retirement, and granddaughters' college savings. H is so very sorry for what he and ow did, but I still get my days of anger... especially when I know ow doesn't work, has a trust fund that never ends, and wrote to H that she was going after $ because he wouldn't be a full time (yes you all read it right) father. She told him she had all the money she needed to hire a "big time" lawyer and would see to it he is without anything.

Well we still have some things! Each other is better than a retirement fund. And now my work offers a sep ira and I send most of my pay there!

See? Everyones situation is different.

love
Debi

I edited this message to remove my remarks to JL.
Atta guy JL....we posted together and I just read what you wrote.

<small>[ June 30, 2003, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

Thanks for the welcome pops. Like I said before I had read things you wrote before and I like how you word what you write. I think you have insight,caring, and know how to show that when you write. I was glad to finally see fh write, because I have read about your situation and hadn't seen her join in on this site since I came.I hope she hasn't felt bashed this time.

I think we understand the anger from thisisnotmylife. But her views on how much responsibility is on the womans shoulders I don't agree with. I struggled with not wanting to bring a child into this world without the other person responsible not being able to have a say. But I never believed in abortion being a choice in MY life. Abortion for ME isn't a form of contraception...therefore I believe the choice was made when two people willingly lay down together. I know many responsible men that have NEVER produced an unwanted child, even if they were with woman that wanted to.

Pops you really enlightened me when you said the OM didn't care about all the costs to you and fh. Boy that is true in my case too. The OM sure didn't care that I was trying to prepare for twins on top of having three kids to care for in our house. Twins was a double expense to prepare for. Two cribs, two sets of clothes, double the formula and diapers! We didn't have a vehicle big enough etc etc...but OM was so concerned what this was doing to HIS family. So anyway, reading the posts on fh question enlightened me also. If MY OM messes up I think I will just have to go the court route. There are so many issues, I know I need more answers before I put things in writing. QUESTION: on the birth certificate there is no one listed yet. OM thinks that my H is automatically put on it, I took steps so my H wouldn't be put on it because OM was such an A** at the time I was for sure we would have to go to court.When I asked OM if he wanted to be on the birth certificate he said he thought it would be best for H just to stay on it. Now if there is NC with OM in the future it would be best for the twins to have H on the birth certificate, except for my mind keeps thinking about "what ifs" like OM decides to not hold up to his end, if my H is listed as the father then maybe the court wouldn't hold OM responsible. SOOOO I wasn't going to put H on the birth certificate until I had something in writing from OM. But even if I get something in writing and it doesn't go through the court will that piece of paper hold any water? I know this is all confusing...my head just spins when I think of all the issues I could be missing! Thanks!

4tori
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But even if I get something in writing and it doesn't go through the court will that piece of paper hold any water? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please check with an attorney. Here it holds no water, infact if you go to court and then make up an agreement, and accept less money you are in contempt of court.

This is not my life,

I dont think you should go away, I can see your angry and hurt, I guess your terms when describing the ow are a little harsh, but I have been were you are, not concerning a oc, but My husband has had many one night stands and affairs, I have yet to see any one on marriage builders have as many. I know all the hate and agry words that go with it.
and yes, I trusted, as funny as that sounds, but really I have me to blame, as I knew I was in a situation I shouldnt be in, and frankly if you lay down with someone , you risk, getting pregnant.
And my joy I am sure as hateful as his wife is , is her pain.
Please dont go, maybe you could post more on another thread and some of the wives who are most helpful, will come and talk, I dont want to fight, I am just very opionated. and I am sure we will all listen.
By the way, If your trying to heal your marriage, I can understand why her calling your husband would set things off for you. You have a right to be angry, just your angry at every one right now.
Maybe we can help another way.

On graces birth certificate there is no father listed, i thought it would be dishonest to grace to put a name down that was not her biological father and that is what a birth certificate is for, to tell you who made you, not who loves you and takes care of you for the rest of your life. also at the time pops did not want me to list him it was too painful for him, we had struggles on what she was to be named, i named her cause no one at the time wanted to be a part of that, yet pops stated he did not want her to carry the om name, he wanted her to have his. because the om asked for paternity tests which proved him the biological father(after she was over a year old) it will be left up to him to choose to put his name on the certificate or not. he will have to foot the bill on that one. as for grace she will never be lied to, she will know all about her family and how she came to be, even as she was growing inside of me i have thought how i am going to tell her, so that she will always feel she was wanted and loved even though her mother made some terrible choices, but how much she is a part of this family.
m of 5 --got your email will write as soon as i can, am back to work, if i had my old job i would have had the summer off collecting unemployment, but i dont get that luxury any longer--om does

FH, Thanks for your reply. This birth certificate is a hard thing on me. Seeing it blank really hurts. I am with you that I don't want the children lied to, I plan on telling them as young as possible. I don't want to leave it blank either. I emailed OM a couple of days ago telling him that I wanted to discuss something with him. He finally called today, and we talked about it pretty in depth the different angles. My H wanted to be on the birth certificate, he even filled out the paper work at the hospital. It was too hard and emotional for me to fill out anything...even their names. But I called the hospital the next day and asked for them not to put in the fathers name. The OM had good reasons why he didn't want to be on the birth certificate. We both think it will be easier on the kids growing up to have my H name on the birth certificate. I remember when I got older I brought my birth certificate to sign up for sports etc. I don't want the twins to have a blank spot or feel like they need to explain anything. I believe when they get older it should be changed, I think it is important for generations to come should know the truth. I would hate for misinformation to trickle down. My A/OC are not a secret...my H side knows and mine. The twins are being accepted. The OM family knows. It is just ironing out the wrinkles. I am not set in what I am going to do, I am hoping I have a couple of years before I feel the need to do something. I am not sure if Grace is your D real name but that is one of the names I really wanted...along with Faith or Hope. I wanted her name to reflect that there was a positive outcome in all this. I love the name Gracie.

My husband has his name on the birth certificate, he filled out the paperwork, not me, but d knows she has two daddies and will be told the truth, but my hubby is her dad in every sense of the word, she knows this.

<small>[ June 30, 2003, 09:09 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

4t&nsake,,,,, i think you should be careful with having your h put his name on the birth cert.. also i would go through the courts because that way everything is out in the open and in writing. no questions, black and white, evreyone is clear.

also check with an attorney for the state in which you live. in many states after a 2 year period the twins will automatically become the finacial responsibility of your h if om is not legally (thru dna and court system) proven to be the bio dad. at that time regardless of the truth your h will be monetarily on the line for them. with you two already having c of your own this may be a burden he does not want.

<small>[ June 30, 2003, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

grace is her real name, during the very beginning hard times i got through this "by the grace of God" and grace was with me.
i was told once you put a name on the birth certificate it is very hard to change. can i ask why you would even consider putting the wrong name on a legal document, is this really helping the child, especially if everyone knows the truth, step parents are very common in this day and alot of children are raised not by a biological parent.

pops, I know I need to check into things more for how my state laws are in regards to birth certificate etc. OM is an officer in the military, he is afraid his W will ruin his career if she can get evidence that he was unfaithful and produced a child. Since she found out she has been really doing some crazy&mean things. Granted OM was mean and unsupportive to me before he told his wife, but since he told he has changed his tune. It was such a great change that I might have been too easy on letting him off. It was a lot easier when he was an a** to do what I thought was right for the kids. I wish I would have found this board because everyone has made such good points...but now I don't want to back out of my word (agreement) and stir everything all up when he has done everything he said he would now. I guess I should print out some of these responses for H and talk about what we should do.

I can only speak for my self, but I am waiting for that cut off time pops spoke about, we both are, I want my husband to be legally responsible for our d, why... because if I die, he will be the one who takes care of her, she wont be taken from her siblings, and raised with people she doesnt know as well.

I guess my husband put his name on b certificate, because I dont remember any one asking me, but sure enough his name is on it.
But at the time, we had not done dna, and I still prayed every day she was my husbands. Om wasnt involved and as far as I was concerned he could stay gone. It took us a long time to figure out what we were doing, as I have said before people going through this will change there mind a dozen times, before its settled.
Here unless you contest it your husband is listed as father if you are married.
Because this is sooooo complicated, Your never sure if your doing it the right way.

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 12:28 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

in our state if you are married the husband is presumed to be the father. So even though I called the hospital I was surprised when I went to vital statistics to see that it was blank. In the hospital it felt wrong for my H to be on the birth certificate. But when I picked up the birth certificate and it was blank that felt even more wrong. My H wants to be on the birth certificate, if the babies were adopted the birth certificate would be changed wouldn't it? I am not sure on everything dealing with this issue, that is why I am asking the question. I am not in a hurry to make a decision either way. I will continue to seek answers and take my time with this.

mom of five, I think I was writing my post when you sent yours. This birth certificate thing is soooo complicated that is why I am hoping with time I will feel I can make the best decision for my family. But I am glad that I still have time to figure things out regarding this. I appreciate everyone's imput.

4t&nsake,,,,,, it sounds as if your h is willing to take on full responsibility for the oc's. if so i commend him and can tell you he has the compassion of an angel, heart of a lion and he loves you very much.

as for your om, what kind of an officer would hide from people having the knowledge of his children. maybe his carreer should have been thought of before he participated in the act of potentialy createing a child with someone other then his w. i would thought that an officer used the head on his shoulders not the one in his pants.

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

FH your intentions are NOT born out of vengeance agains the OM but to protect Grace and YOUR family. It is OM's selfishness and not you that is hurting his family. HE should have thought about the repercusions to his family before he threw the first legal shot against you and pops, but he CHOSE not to. Pray that he starts becoming a real husband and father to his family because this, more than anything else, will help them heal and move on with their lives.

Boy, it's been a long time since I've posted here or even lurked. I have to confess that I haven't looked much further than this post yet but I might. I had to take a break from this place as it was not helping me much at the time. I don't even know if anyone will remember me. I used to go by "Want it Back". I'm sure Mom of Five knows me as well as a few others. For a quick recap of what my life is like now, it's great. H and I are doing so well that it is scary. I've grown and learned so much. It helps to have a man like the one I've got and I intend to never ever jepordize(sp?) that again.

The reason this thread caught my eye was because it was by full house and it was about CS. She and I have a bit in common.

A few months ago we went through a little bit of CS drama ourselves but not quite the same as yours. OM has been paying CS based on an income of almost $6,000 less than what he was actually earning for the past 2 years. $10,000 of my H's income is used on that support order. I get $90/week. Now, you have to consider that OM makes $10,000/yr more than my H does, has no other dependants while my H has our 2 children and myself. He has a $30,000 savings account no mortgage, and all the toys that a little boy needs. We have no savings and a 30 year mortgage.
I did not have a lawyer at the original support hearings, OM did. I was plain and simply snowed right over big time.

Several months ago I decided to go back to school. When I asked OM if he would be willing to help pay child care costs he flatly refused, saying he could not afford it. H and I took a good look at the financial situations of both OM and ourselves and decided to try and take him back to court. We could not afford a lawyer and I did all the paper work myself and served OM. Well long story short, OM did get a lawyer(he can afford one) and his (and his lawyer's) reply to my motion would have left us with less than what we are getting now. I know from experience that lawyers know all the tricks (sorry to any lawyers out there) and we could not take the chance of ending up with less than what we were getting. So we dropped the suit. We pay all child care costs, or I should say that my H does.

Recently things have not been so great at OM's place of employment. Both he and his girlfriend (who is a carbon copy of OM) work there. OM's pay was cut 11% and his GF was laid off. They moved in together last week. Do you think I'm considering going after her income now the way OM has gone after my H's? Hell no. I can tell you right now that it is not worth the crap. Sure we are a month behind in all our bills, have bill collectors calling and everything, but we have something that money can't buy. It was not my own decision. H and I discussed it and decided it was not worth it. I'll be done school in a year and go back to work and things will get better. I personally will happy when the day comes that I don't have to take a penny from OM. He has a way of trying to make me feel that I am indebted to him for the support he pays. I could go on and on about what a complete sorry excuse of a man he has turned out to be but we have found that the less we have to do with him the better.

My H loves my (our) daughter as if she were his. I have to take his word for it when he tells me that he is willing to take as much responsibility for her as he does for our 2. OM is not a man. He is a 46 year old child. I only wish I had 10 hours to type every single pathetic thing he has done in this past year. He is not a happy man and he tries to make everyone as miserable as he is. But guess what?? We are immune. We are in love. We are happy. We are acting like we did when we first starting dating. And no amount of money can take the place of that.

To any of the BS's out there who are hanging on at their wits end I'd like to give you some hope. I once thought the OM was God. The most perfect, wonderful, loving, thoughtful caring man that ever walked this earth. I thought he loved me in a way that no one had ever loved me before. The minute things stopped going his way he showed his true colors. Now all I see is the most immature, vindictive, selfish and dishonest person that I have ever laid eyes on.

My H turned out to be the person I thought the OM was. I thank God every day that he never gave up on me. I make sure my H knows every day that I'm glad he never gave up on me.

We are human. We make mistakes. The people who truly love us understand that and forgive us.

My H is Keith Demers. I want the world to know that I love him more than life itself.

HEY GIRL
Had to say hi, I am home with the flu or something so I cant sleep. Glad to hear from you, send me a new email adress. Lots to tell you. By the way, Glad to hear you and hubby are doing great.


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My husband and I have been married 8 years, he is 30, and I am 28. We just had our 3rd child 4 weeks ago, the other two are 7 and 2.5.

I found out about his ONS and the resulting child 1 yr ago this August. The OW was the one to tell me, and we got DNA tests done to be sure. Unfortunately the test proved positive for him being the father, and the OW has recently decided to sue us for CS. I feel guilty because my husband and I both agree that we do not want to be involved in the OC's life. Maybe one day further down the line we will be able to be a part of the OC's life but I am not ready for that yet. I just want to do what is right for all involved.

I do not mind paying CS because I know it is only fair but she is asking for $550 a month. There is no way we can afford this much and I am afraid the courts may agree with her.

Does anyone know how CS is determined? Will they take into account my husband's other children with me? Will they count my income? Will they look at our bills? Should we have a lawyer in court with us? Please help!

look up your states attorney general office, lots of help there. All states are different, so it would be hard for any one to pin pint it.

Call a lawyer, many will consult the first time free and give loads of info.
also, ask around at church or work of a good attorney.
Whether you get involved or not, is your choice, but do protect your rights.

look up your states attorney general office, lots of help there. All states are different, so it would be hard for any one to pin point it.

Call a lawyer, many will consult the first time free and give loads of info.
also, ask around at church or work of a good attorney.
Whether you get involved or not, is your choice, but do protect your rights.