OW called husband completely stressed out - she is going through a divorce and $ is tight and situation in house is bad, etc. To my husbands credit, he told me about the phone call right away and discussed everything that was said with me. I did not react with any anger, which surprised him and our therapist. I guess we are making some progess. But the end result of this phone call (besides major venting of a lot of frustration and anger) was that she did mention filing child support papers, which has not really been mentioned up to this point. We do pay $ every montb, but I guess she is looking for more. Any advise on what we can do to protect ourselves. I have seen so many sad stories here of people paying large sums of $ for child support, of their own children in marriage not being taken into consideration, of having to file for bankrupcy, etc. She does not want the child in our house, so she does not want joint custody to come up, but I think her situation is getting desperate. Any advise would be appreciated.

First of all I'm sorry you have to go through this ordeal. I honestly don't know what would happen. In my case, my H never went to court so our kids were never brought up. I do believe that they use a income chart based on your husbands income compared to hers. And if she doesn't work but could they figure that out also.

As for visitations with the OC, I don't know how you and your husband feel about it. You say that she doesn't want the child in you house. Well if your husband gets court ordered visitation, she has no say on where he can bring the OC or who the OC can be around. It's just her way of trying to keep some control over your husband.

Good luck.

I guess I'm wondering if any of the OW have decided against going for child support because they didn't want to have to deal with joint custody.

fortheboys,
CS doesn't mean shared custody.

Please don't fear that they are one in the same.

You and H need to do things through a lawyer first to establish cs. Then work on your marriage. A srong honesty policy and Policy of joint agreement is what you two need to do. Neither doing something that makes the other uneasy.

Believe me it will make things a lot better and she can't keep calling for more money each month.

Go to your H and talk about it.

love
Debi

Gemini - is it better to go through a lawyer for CS? I have seen so many stories on this board of people getting screwed paying extremely high CS payments ($1500, etc). Is there anything you can do to make sure you don't get screwed? Doesn't CS go down if you have visitation? Wouldn't it be better for us to keep it out of the courts? We are trying to do everything with a policy of joint agreement - we have read all of the Harley's books and our communication is much better than it ever was. We just don't know what is the best thing to do, and we are already in some financial trouble with what we are paying her already. If we go to court and it goes up (which it probably would) we could lose our house. Unless, of course, we had some custody - which we are not ready to decide on yet. Do you see my dilema?

Hello Fortheboys,

First if you give CS without a court order she still might at a later date go through court. Then all the money you have given might not be recognized as CS but as a gift. Not sure about your state but it can happen. Second if you see a lawyer now you can push for a DNA test before you have to start giving CS. Also you should discuss you filing for CS as well for your children. If you file first you get the lion's share. Yes some people might think this is a deceptive practice but it will protect your children's financial future. Next, since your OW is married it might be assumed that the child is the child of her Husband automatically. Than the lawyer can advice you what steps to protect your interests.

It seems harsh but listen to all the women on this board who's H pays astronomical amounts in CS to the point of cripling the family. See a lawyer and do this within the courts. Do not trust the ex-OW to play fair because she it only out to protect her interest and not the interest of you and your children.

How do I file for child support for my children first? Do I have to get divorced?

Hello Fortheboys,

You really need to discuss this with a lawyer in your state. Though I am an American I am a law student here in England. I moved here to be with my husband. I know a couple of woman on this board have filed for CS before the OW and recieved it. The lawyer will be able to advise you on the best way to make the system work for you. Two of my motos in law school and work have always been: first, knowledge is power and second, He who flinches first looses. I am sure no one will ever admit that the law is like a chess game the better stratagist wins but it is true, to a large extent.

I am very sorry about what you are currently going through. My heart breaks for everyone in this type of situation. The best advice I can give is that you need to do everything in your power to protect your family and best interests. I would suggest shopping around for a lawyer. Most will give you about thirty minutes free consult. You may never have to use them but it does not hurt to know what your rights are when it comes to the OC and OW.

I have searched for a lawyer and asked this question but have been told that it is not legal for me to file for child support. No lawyer so far has been helpful. I believe in protecting myself and I agree that knowledge is power, but I can't seem to get the knowledge that I am looking for and it is frustrating. All of a sudden all the lawyers have morals! Who would have thought. Nobody will tell me what is best for ME.

fortheboys,
I am not sure, but I think you must file for a legal seperation before you can file for cs.

Ask THAT to the lawyer. Explain what has happened matter of fact. That ow is married and threatening to file for cs from your H.

If DNA was done and SHE gets a lawyer, H will have to pay whether in or out of courts.

Ow here was/is married. Had DNA positive. Got a lawyer, her lawyer sent a letter to H. We got a lawyer and brought the letter. All communication was done lawyer to lawyer with us arguing the amount of cs.

We finally settled and H has an account where cs bureau extracts monthly checks and sends them to ow.

I didn't have small children. I didn't have to file first. If you have small children and do not do something quickly, ow may get the most for oc.

Please, you and H call and get to a lawyer soon. If you must file for seperation for legal reasons, do so.

Just ask around. Place a few calls and wait for return calls to tell of your circumstance.

Blessings.
love
Debi

Hello Fortheboys,

Sorry I was not very clear. Sometimes when I am in a hurry I forget to mention certain things. Gimini is correct in that you will probably have to go for a legal separation to obtain child support. Personally I see nothing wrong in this. In my tax law accounting class we were tought to use loopholes all the time. Also I used a loophole here in England to obtain my visa when they changed the laws. Personnally if the government does not want this type of behavior than they need to close the loopholes.

Your best bet might be to use a Family lawyer and even discuss your issues with a divorce lawyer. I know you do not want a divorce but they might have the most experiance in these matters. Most importantly when interviewing a lawyer find out what type of cases the make the most bread amoney for them. You want someone who had experiance in the field you need. I would also suggest you take a trip down to the court house and speak to the clerk there. She/He will be able to tell you what you need for a legal separation. DO NOT tell them that you are just doing a fake separation because unlike your lawyer they are not bound by lawyer/client confidenciality.

I would also suggest discussing this with your H. Both of you are so emotionally charged right now that special care in communication will need to be done. Also it would be best if your H ends all contact with the OW at this point. Yes she is stressed her marriage is over and she is pregnant but at this point any further conversations and even assistance by your H could be used in court. If you have not requested a DNA do so because my guess is she was still have sex with her H at the same time. You have a 50/50 shot at it not being your H's.

The best thing I might suggest is that you take a day and relax. Why not have a me day. It just seems from your post that you are so wound up and it is very understandable. But you might be able to think a bit clearer if you take a small step back. I am so sorry your family has to go through this.

You need to get a laywer immediately to protect you and your family. Get an aggressive one and you would be surprised how well things can go.

They handle all the test to make sure paternity is proven. Then they handle CS and visitation.

OW, once paternity is actually established, has absolutely no say if father wants contact or not. If he choses contact, she has no say as who may or may not be with OC. Laywers can arrange who picks up OC and what dates etc. If you and your husband do not want to speak to her,you can arrange that also.

Do not ever allow this to be handled without an attorney. Get one now. Actually, the sooner the better.

LynnG - Can I contact you by email to ask more legal questions concerning CS? Too many OW posting on this board lately is making me uncomfortable. My email is lola19652003@yahoo.com
Please let me know - you can just email me if its OK. Thanks

i have to agree 100 % with lynn of this.