If your husband has not done a thing get to a laywer and start drawing up a new will, then you can do it. Each state is different. You need to clearly state (if oc is his) that you/he are aware of oc yet choose to leave him/her nothing. Otherwise OW can say you forgot and fight the will.

We have all property, etc in my name. So OW really can't come after us now. We have refined and protected for 16 years. OC would get nothing upon H demise. You could also have trusts set up, with you as trustee. We have land that is in our childrens names, on trust accounts. I have incorporated myself, with a Fed Tax ID number (nominal cost, but effective and LEGAL), and many of our purchases over the years have been my purchases through that corporation. Obviously, a laywer is necessary to make sure that all laws are followed.

But you do need to change your will ASAP.


OW are by nature self serving. If your H will not draw the papers up, you do it.

<small>[ December 14, 2003, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: LynnG ]</small>

I agree. Within 1 month of my d-day in 1996, H put everything in my name only. It still is. We are married 31 yrs. now. We love each other, but it took a lot of work.

Do get advice from an attorney to protect your assets.

Please let me find out how you are doing.

ember

Michael in Dallas,

I didn't say whether Ray should divorce his wife or not. That is his deicision to make. I am not against that as an option, nor do I promote it. Only Ray knows the relationship he has with is wife and only he can decide if there can be a future for them.

I am only suggesting that he take his time to consider all sides, including his wife's pain and viewpoint, before making a final decision. And at this early date he is in no shape to do that.

I think it is the quickest decision, especially in Ray's situation, to run for the hills (who wouldn't consider that first, just as Ray is doing?). I just want him to make sure it is the correct decision for him, that's all. The final decision has to come from his own heart and soul, after he has searched both thoroughly.

Xray,

To back up Snowbelle's post, while I'd encourage you to continue working with the lawyer, I'd also encourage you to call the Harley's and spend a little time working on the marriage counseling. It's not clear that your wife and you have "enthusiastically agreed" to a divorce at this point, and I'd urge you to get some marriage counseling to help you work that through. In fact, feedback you would get from the counseling will help you heal as you move forward---whether that is in your marriage, or with someone else.

Snowbelle,
I tend to agree. They have not enthusiastically agreed to a divorce, but I think that's putting the cart before the horse. I think the first decision that has to be made regards the OC. If Ray cannot enthusiastically agree to keep the OC, then any further discussion or decsions are meaningless. I would recommend counseling. But, on the other hand, I honestly feel given his age and situation, likely the best course of action is to press on with his life.
Michael

Most of the couselors I have talked to have told me to work on the marriage first, that the coming oc is just "out-there". They say they can see that we love each other very much, which we do. Frankly I think the oc is a very big "out-there",... people kill me.

I asked h to move out last Tuesday and for three days he lived in his truck. He couldn't get an apt through some friends of ours. He is back as of Friday and things are going okay. Frankly I don't think he tried very hard, we have a bunch of motels around and some that have long term stay rates. But I do think it gave him somewhat of a wake up call. For how long I don't know. I hope to god things don't get as bad a last week, but I don't think I can get the balls to tell him to leave again that was so hard. Why I worry about hurting his feeling I have no clue. I think I will have to leave if there is a next time, and I dont' think that is right since I have had no choice in what he had done. Sometimes I just get to the point of whatever, I don't care, I am sick of the "drama". I am sick of the worrying, the not trusting. I always have lived where I never seconded guessed him in what he says, does, where he goes, who he talks to and I am sick of suspecting and worrying and hurting. I am sick of pretending I don't hurt to my very core. I am sick of trying to keep myself together.


Lord I must be on a big pity party tonight, sorry guys!

I don't know what a counselor can do. I have thought about it and thought about it, and I cannot raise that child. So unless a counselor can help her come to a decision to give up OC, I don't see the point.

It's not just the betrayal. It's not just the fact that it's another man's baby.

She had always insisted that we wait to have kids. I was in no hurry, so fine. But she insisted that we wait til we were older and I had finished college.

Even if we were a bit drunk after a party or something, she insisted I use protection.

Now all the sudden she wants a kid? With him it was ok to take a chance??

Add to that who the OM is. He is an old boyfriend she dated off and on during high school and college. He always treated her like crap, which is why she kept breaking up with him.

I always figured she was ready to move on to someone who would treat her well when she met me. Guess not.

She called me last night, asked me to come over and talk. But I can't even bear the thought of looking at her, knowing OM's baby is growing inside her. It makes me sick to think about it.

My family is being very supportive. Dad wants to be sure I am protected, but will support me if I decide to stay with her. My brother thinks I should leave her, but is open to other possibilities.

Oddly, the most insistant that I divorce her is my brother's wife.

I am still hoping she will realize that OC will be too much for our marriage to overcome.

I guess I can understand a reluctance to have an abortion, though that would be my first choice. But, she could put it up for adoption. We don't have to raise this kid.

I'm going to call her today to talk some more. We'll see how it goes.
Ray

Ray I am not sticking up for your wife at all. I am sort of in the same boat as you, as my h got the ow pg and he has never wanted kids, I would have probably had one if he had shown interest, but I knew it would be "all me" raising the child and I didn't know if I wanted to sacrific "all" for a child.

But I feel I need to warn you of something. I think it's important for her to know that you don't want this baby and will not except it, but I would not pressure her into abortion or adoption. This will only turn her against you and again, you the betrayed, become the bad guy.

In one point I am fortunate as my husband wants absolutely nothing to do with the coming OC but my heart is telling me what kind of man is this to dump on an innocent child. If proven it's his, he needs to face up to his responsibilities not just financially but also emotionally to that child. Kids have it hard enough but if they know a biological parent wants nothing to do with them it causes emotional damage. At one moment in a heated discussion h told me that he doesn't want anything to do with child, as he wants me (Personally I think that is a guilt ploy to me) Now comes my decision...How much can I take. How much do I want to deal with...hard decision isn't it?

xray,

Hurtnconfused makes a very good point. You have stated your reluctance to raise his child. You have the call to file for divorce. So you really have no need to demand, suggest, encouage, or hint at what she does with the baby. Just as it was her call to have an affair with OM, it is her call with regard to OM's baby.

She makes decisions, then you make decisions.

What I am going to say is not even a SUGGESTION. It is my thinking but I thought I would offer this to you. I am guessing if the OM had been some man previously unknown to your W and you, I suspect if it were me, I would be inclined to give it a go. But, the affair was with old boy friend, it will always be HIS child, and you know that she has a very big weakness for him. So it makes it more likely that she will cross paths with him again, especially if the baby is in your life.

Given the circumstances I think I would feel as you do. In other circumstances I might well feel differently.

Having said that, I would deeply hope that something would change your views and your W's views so that you two could raise this child and be a happy couple and parents.

xray, this stuff is hard to even read about. You and your W have my deepest sympathy for having to live through it. Rest assured she will feel pain from this no matter what you decide or she decides. There are no painless ways out of this mess for either of you. All you can do, is decide which of the available choices is the best for you.

I wish for you strength, calmness, and the gift of great insight.

God Bless,

JL

HurtnConfused,
I am not pressuring her to do anything. I have stated my position and have left the rest up to her. I've told her I am willing to work on the M despite her A, but am not willing to raise another man's child.

Just Learning,
would it be different if OM were not an old boyfriend? Maybe. I doubt it, but understand your point.

You are right though. She has a history with him. He lives relatively nearby. It will always be his child and I think the chances of NC with him are slim.

But, I don't think it would change how I feel. I did not want children yet, and will sure as heck not take all that on for another man's child.

The OC issue aside, I had not thought much about who the OM is, and the consequences of that til last night.

My SIL asked me what I thought the odds were that she can stay away from OM in the future, given their history.

Add to that having a child together, and I think she has a good point. The odds of future entanglements are fairly high.

Back to a question that caused me to post on MB in the first place. I still don't understand why I feel like I am being told I am wrong to want to give up OC.

If I were a young BW, and my young WH was going to have a baby with OW, no one would question my not wanting to have the OC in my life.

Why is it not fair for me to not want OC in my life? I bet if you were to ask 100 guys my age what they would do, over 90% would not even consider staying with WW, let alone raising OC.

I can't understand why this is happening to me. I didn't do anything wrong. I feel like I've been a good husband.

I don't make much money, but am trying to fix that. I am very busy between working and going to college, but that will not last forever.

How could this happen? Did I just pick the wrong woman to marry? If so, this seems like a stiff punishment for a decision of the heart.
Ray

<small>[ December 16, 2003, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: XRay ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by XRay:

Back to a question that caused me to post on MB ni the first place. I still don't understand why I feel like I am being told I am wrong to want to give up OC.

If I were a young BW, and my young WH was going to have a baby with OW, no one would question my not wanting to have the OC in my life.

Why is it not fair for me to not want OC in my life? I bet if you were to ask 100 guys my age what they would do, over 90% would not even consider staying with WW, let alone raising OC.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ray I don't think anybody here is telling you that you're wrong in not wanting to have the OC in your life. What they have been trying to convey to you is to let your emotions cool down a bit before you make the life altering decision of ending your marriage. They don't want you to find yourself divorced and regretting your decision later on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't understand why this is happening to me. I didn't do anything wrong. I feel like I've been a good husband.

I don't make much money, but am trying to fix that. I am very busy between working and going to college, but that will not last forever.

How could this happen? Did I just pick the wrong woman to marry? If so, this seems like a still punishment for a decision of the heart.
Ray </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bad things happen to good people all the time otherwise there would be no injustice in this world, wouldn't it?

We talk about the 'fog' that a WS is in when he or she is in an affair, yet we forget that when we were courting our future spouse, we also were in a fog of our own. That fog, often causes us to ignore huge red flags (lying, dishonesty, thoughtlesness, selfishness) about our loved one that other people would immediately notice. But even if there wasn't any red flags waving prior to marriage, almost anybody can fall into an affair if he or she crosses marital boundaries like spending time alone with an member of the opposite sex especially an old lover.

What do you need to do in the future? make sure you convey to your loved one (W or other) your non negotiable boundary of BOTH following The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. as a condition for marriage.

I agree, do not made any permanent decisions at this emotional time. This time will pass, where you will be more emotionally rationale. You can divorce anytime. What do you gain if you hurry?
It's the pain we want to kill, not neccessarily our marriage.

ember

No Ray, your not wrong, I am having those same feelings. Frankly I think I am harder on myself about what a looser I would be to hold a "grudge" against an innocent human being. If I bail that is what I feel I would be doing. I have always placed others before my feelings or desires. Now I am down to the wire since I have been re-evaluating myself I am now finally trying to figure out what I want. But I don't know if I can really go through this new life I didn't choose, or if I am still holding onto a life I thought I had and still want so bad.

entire post deleted due to the wrongheadedness of the author... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ December 16, 2003, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>

xray,

Like others have said,I think you are misinterpreting what you are being told. The short, quick, normal decision is to divorce her and move on. It also is very likely the best decision for you given you have no children and are not ready for children.

Further, the presence of the old boy friend who lives near you and who is the father of your W's child makes it a very very difficult situation for you and yes your W.

What I am suggesting along with everyone else is to slow down and let the pain subside. Yes, move on with your life, but don't make decisions you don't need to make right now. When it is time you will know what the right decision is.

I would also say under NO circumstance allow anyone to "guilt" you into accepting this child. You have every right to walk away from it as it is the product of your W and her OM. You have the option of accepting it because you are married to your W.

It is just what it says an option. No more no less. So take your time. You have options, your W does not, her OM does not. OM will or will not be stuck with CS and/or raising this child based on YOUR decision. Your W can decide many things, but she cannot decide for you to be in her live. So how she lives from now on is subject to YOUR decision.

You control much more than you realize, hence the caution from the people here to go slow and make sure you are making a decision that best suits you and that you are most comfortable with. Once, you make it, I would like to suggest to you that you NEVER go back and say "what if". That is also what people are trying to get you to, no "what if's".

So take your time, dig deep within you, talk with your W, your family, clergy, whatever. Get ALL opinions, but whatever decision you make should be based on the most and best data you can collect AND what is in your heart. If you do that you can have no regrets about the decision.

That is what I believe most of us are striving for in your case. For you to be able to look back when you are my age and KNOW you looked at it from all sides, considered all opinions, talked to whoever you could, AND then made the best decision you could. If you can do that when you are 50+++ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> years old, you will have done well.

God Bless,

JL

One thing to point out, just because the OM lives close by is no garuntee that he would cause problems. My H XOW lives within 2 miles of us. We have no problems with her & H has never run into her or OC.

Very well put JustLearning

You have every right in the world to feel as you do. You are like many many many many people who do not want to have any contact with oc whatsoever. Don't feel bad. I am totally for no contact with the oc.

I feel bad for men (again) in this situation. The woman, once she gets pregnant, gets to make all the decisions that effect so many others and these types of women could care less who they hurt, they only think of themselves. Others be dammed. The father sounds like he doesn't want this child, you certainly can't be expected to bend to her wishes. Why be used?

I know this is marriage builders. But in your case, I think a divorce would probably be for the best. Your young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Go out and live it. There would be no shame at your feet for leaving a woman who gets herself knocked up by another man.

Lord I don't understand how these selfish people can even sleep at night. They must be totally empty inside. To assume that others should have to accomodated their mistakes at any cost is simply beyond comprehension.

Your sister in law sounds like most women, when they learn a loved one has been hurt. She does not want to see you hurt or humiliated. Your father and brother want what is best for you. Sounds like you have alot of love and decency around you. Why stay in a situation that will be nothing but heartache, embarrassment, anger and humiliation when you can probably go and meet a nice young woman with moral fiber and character. You have not been with your wife very long, and have no children or much history. Why force it?

Lord I wish I could give you advice on how this all passes. But, we had the holidays without children, the ones when I was carrying our first child, the exictement of building the nursery, the birth. All those firsts. We had a long and deep relationship. We rebuilt it, but I doubt I would have stayed had he wanted to have any contact with the oc. Lucky for our family, my husband put us first and never looked back. He considers the OC an obligation and that is that.

You deserve to be happy and loved. I think working this out is hard enough, but it requires lots of time, and effort. What helps you get to the point of accepting is reliving the memories and love that is the foundation of the marriage. The early days, the first home, the first dog, baby, etc. Those are what lays the blocks for the foundation of life, love and family. When there isn't much there, how can you rebuild? Love isn't just great sex with candles and bubble baths. It is so much more. It is the days painting houses, collapsing in each others arms of exhaustion. It is laying in bed all day reading papers and watching football together. It is taking care of each other when you are sick. It is walking through a store and seeing the stereo that you just know he would love. Or him knowing that in High School you had a stuffed dolphin collection so he buys you a charm braclet with a dolphin on it to remember your best friend who died in a car accident. That is what love and marriage is. It is a complete life. Not just one piece. It isn't just sex. It isn't just work. It isn't just being parents. It is the whole. That is where you find the basics to rebuild a marriage. Personally, and this is only my opinion, if you don't have that, and she is pregnant with another mans child, how do you rebuild? I would say the same thing to a young wife in the same situation. Marriage is so much more then some people think. From what I read here, they think of marriage as one long orgasim, with flowers and sunset beaches. That is almost to cheesy when it comes to real love, real romance, real heart to heart love.

You have every right to your feelings. And no matter what we all think, say and do, we all respect each other and their feelings

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>my heart is telling me what kind of man is this to dump on an innocent child. If proven it's his, he needs to face up to his responsibilities not just financially but also emotionally to that child. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His only obligation is financially. If he doesn't support the child emotionally, he is not "dumping" on it. Would you rather have him grudgingly and resentfully shuttling the kid back and forth for unwanted weekend visits?

If a parent does not want a child, the child is better off without that parent...not being forced on the parent because of some wrong sense of "obligation."

When an OW decides to have the baby, she is knowingly bringing it into a single parent home. That's her choice and her responsibility.

Thank you garden bunny. I know too that it can be very hard on kids to be shuffled back and forth, I have seen it alot with friends. I need to keep that in mind. I need to try and let it go and see what time will do.