Albany,

I don't think your H is done either, not by a long shot!

Keep doing whatcha doing, I know it is hard putting up the front but along w/ working Plan A, you may never have to go to Plan B. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Stay strong.

I have posted mcuh the last few days--have been really busy--but I have read many of the posts to follow whats been going on.

I went out with friends on Tuesday night--son stayed with my parents.

H called both this morning and yesterday morning on way home from night shift--he was just checking on me and asked if I was still going out last night and I said yes. This morning wanted to know if I had fun last night and I replied yes.

He is picking our son up from dyacare this afternoon and so I will see him at our house after I get done with my MC appointment.

I have one today--i guess it would be more IC appt. with our MC.

We will see what she has to say today when I tell her of all of the past events since we saw her two weeks ago.

H's parents are coming over this weekend for a visit he told his mom Monday that they would have to stay in hotel because we still weren't living together.

Anyway wish me the best--let you all know how tonight goes.

I guess you are all right--he isn't done yet.

Albany

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is picking our son up from dyacare this afternoon and so I will see him at our house after I get done with my MC appointment.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good opportunity...Let me suggest you be a little late in arriving home. See how he responds when the shoe is on the other foot!

Oh wait, maybe you could even call him and ask if he wouldn't mind staying at the house a little longer with your son, because you'd like to go out for dinner w/ friend(s) after your session. Oh man, I'm getting wicked!

Remember to be carefree and yet confident! Smile, and look dynamite!

Look forward to hearing from you.

Okay this weekend was a disaster. He had me be around his parents when they came into towna and I said only do that if we are more than friends and then that night after they went to the hotel he told me we were only friends and still done.

Yesterday was horrible--he was a jerk to me and I fell into the trap and we argued and didn't get along and of course his parents were around and he told me last night that he is done and that this is it.

Supposedly he is getting his stuff out this week but he has said that a million times before.

I love him but think that I have to let him go because he keeps bringing out the fighting and bitterness in me.

Should I give up or just try and be positive again.

He said both his IC and his psycologist who prescribes his lexapro say that their is nothing left in our marriage to fix or build upon.

Albany <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Albany,

I am so sorry you had such a bad weekend w/ H.

He has terrible counsel, can't he see someone who is pro marriage, these people obviously are not!

I know how hard it is & how easy you think it would be to throw in the towel, but dont' do it yet, I think it is too soon.

You only you will know when you have had enough, can you truly walk away from your marriage right now w/ no regrets? Have you done all that you can to try & save it? If you can answer both those questions with a sound yes, then do it. If not then keep working Plan A & if you have to Plan B, but don't quit, that is the easy route as tempting as it is.

Take care of yourself.

No I haven't done everything that I could do.

I just let my hurt get in the way on Sunday and then it came out as anger.

I'm so hurt right now--I love him so much and he doesn't want me anymore.

i guess I have to let things simmer down for now.

Albany

albany~

I'm sorry for your bad weekend. I was so hoping for better news. This is such a tough road, especially w/ WH still in deep fog. His whacked out IC is of no help, only telling him what he wants to hear.

I seriously think it's time for a well thought out Plan B. He's not living with you anyway.

Have you posted your story over on GQ and, or Plan A/B forums? I strongly suggest doing so. Give a synopsis of your past and current situation. There is a lot more traffic, especially on GQ, with a great deal of people who can help you with this dilemma of what to do next with your H, and exactly how to proceed.

As always, I wish you all the best.

albany~

Reading thru the thread you mentioned...it does seem to me your H really responds positively to plan a techniques <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Keep your mind on this, and take advantage of every opportunity to be pleasant and to not LB. Don't take crap from him, but when he does something like he did last weekend...hold your breath, count to 10, whatever...then respond in a calm, non affected manner. Do you know what I'm saying? Don't let what or how he says something, dictate how you will respond.

Try as much as possible, not to voice your analysis of his responses/behavior to him, whether it be good or bad. The fact that he mentions feeling like he's cornered, makes me think you might be "in his face" too much. Again, I know this sucks, you are the betrayed one, and yet here you are, having to take the high road, and having to measure everything you say and do. I don't suggest you be a doormat, but I do suggest you keep your mind and your focus on the GOAL.

Will you be at work on Friday while he's visiting with your son, (I kinda read quickly), if so...call him during the day, and tell him you will be late arriving home, going to dinner, etc...Like BG said, look dynamite when you get home!!

Be coooool, be calmmmmm, and be co-llec-ted, hey, hey, hey!!...
No, I wasn't a cheerleader, but that was always my favorite cheer!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm totally serious with the above though, don't let his moranic, foggy behavior rattle you out of doing your best plan a!!!!

Keep us posted.

~ad

Thanks

Autmnday for you thoughts--I will maintain--so hard sometimes to not react in response to their behavior.

So you think it is positive even though he says he's done because of his response to positive plan a with no LBing.

He would watch our son while I was at work--I will let you all know if anything eventful happens--good or bad.

Okay yell at me or lecture me if I let his behavior throw me out of plan a.

I'm glad that others see him as responding well I was hoping that I wasn't just grasping.

I hope he doesn't move more of his stuff out as he said he would this week--but he has said that for the pst month that he would each week--hasn't happened yet

thanks

Albany

You bet I think it's positive. The little tidbit you shared about HIM not signing the divorce is very telling too. This guy may be a cake eater, he may be a waffler, but he is definitely not done.

When I suggest stuff to you about going out to dinner and things of that nature, I mean it. He needs to see you in a whole new light. He needs a little taste of his own medicine. He needs to see, that yes, while you want him and your marriage, that you are NOT about to die on the vine. You will try for just so long, then you will move forward, with or without him. He can and will be replaced someday, because you are a loving woman who will be snatched up in no time by someone who can see clearly!!!

Do a stellar plan a, so he cannot view you as the little wifey poo, ball and chain waiting at home to pounce on him everytime he calls or comes over.

What you want to acheive, albany is for him to look forward to pulling up your drive, and walking to the door. Right now, I suspect he dreads it on many occassions.

If OW picks up any kind of contact, let her to the LB'g, not you.

<small>[ March 30, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

The not signing the papers was last summer though and now he done again supposedly but I think you are right--he can't go through with it.

You are right about not wanting to come home and not looking forward to it--that's why he isn't happy--He says he didn't look forward to coming home and that is why he is happy now because he doesn't have that dread--since he goes home to apartment. He dreaded it because We loved busted or I did if he didn't and I was disrespectful of his space and thoughts in all of this mess and pressured him by making ultimatimes.

You are so right--he needs to look forward to seeing me--but all those feelings will take time for him to come back again--I just hope we have the time.

THank you--I will be positive--I really like myself better when I'm positive--so easy to fall in the rut of LBing.

Albany

Quote from Albany on Sunnydale thread
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then he says what are you doing??? Are you going out to do something fun???

I replied that I didn't know yet was leaving my options open as of today. I'm definely not going to be at home--DO I seem that stupid--hello I'll go somewhere and it will be fun.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are definitely not stupid, let him think you are having the time of your life with or without him! Keep him guessing, wondering, missing you. A little mystery never hurt anyone, it is probably what attracted them to us in the first place. Be in the best mood possible when you come back & have pleasant conversation w/ H. Act as if this situation is really feeling comfortable with you & your are learing to love it. Trip him out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

And remember no LB'S!!!!!!!!!

Sd & bbygl

My evening was okay.

H came by 15 min. before he had to be at work--grabbed left overs and says he feels like crap--his allergies are really bothering him--eyes were partially swollen shut. He asked by plans for him taking our son--I said why don't you take him both Thur. & Fri.--including the nights. I said that he is welcome to watch him during the day at our house. He wasn't really thrilled with haveing him overnight--he said it sounds like you're telling me that's how it is going to be and He said he wanted an open discussion about it.

I thought to myself not open discussion about getting divorce being done--only thought that didn't speak it.

He immediately asked if their was a reason I had to not have for two nights in a row--and what was I doing those two nights.

He left for work crabby.

I called and left voicemail that said I'm about open discussion but you didn't have any thoughts and asked me what worked and I told you. I also said I'm not trying to make a fight and just thought that he would want to be with son for two nights since he made a big deal about taking him more on days off.

He called back on his first break at 9:45 and said that it was fine with him and I asked if it was interrupting any plans for him and he said no. He sounded real blue and I asked what was wrong and he said he was tired, it was slow at work, allergies were bothering him etc. He asked what I was doing and I said watching TV-then I promptly told him to have a good night at work and I had better run because I was missing my show.

He replied he would call me tomorrow.

Not all bad--I think he just wanted me to keep our son at night and for him to take him during the day because it is harder for him to have him overnight not at our home and big plus is that it makes so I'm at home--not out doing things for me.

Any thoughts???

I didn't LB.

Albany

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Not all bad--I think he just wanted me to keep our son at night and for him to take him during the day because it is harder for him to have him overnight not at our home and big plus is that it makes so I'm at home--not out doing things for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not bad at all, having him keep your son overnite for not 1 nite but 2 will have him thinking for sure, too bad if it is not convenient for him, is it convenient for you to live alone, while he sorts out his thoughts?

I am so glad you didn't LB, like I just did with the above mentioned comment! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

This evenings phone call & the events of the next to "sleep over" nites should be very interesting! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think you've got him in a very curious, uneasy place right now, you are taking control & not LBing & most of all still being very loving. Sounds like a plan to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SD & bbygrl


Happy Dance


H called me yesterday--about our son--he was all down in the dumps you could tell.

He asked if I had plans for the those two nights--I replied maybe haven't finalized anything yet.

Told him I was getting different car--selling mine and using my portion of tax refund--so it wouldn't actually cost me anything--could tell that doesn't impress him but he said I should.

I was so good you guys he started to pick at me and I didn't LB. I did calmly ask if he called to argue and he said no--I then said okay then we are not going to or I will get off the phone.

There was dead silence and then he picked up the conversation and went on. I was verp happy and upbeat-doubled my paxil--that has really helped me not obsess over this--and not LB--much more relaxed.

He was dumpy and I asked why and he replied that he has a lot to think about right now.

Yeah Baby I bet he does and he needs to keep thinking long and hard about all this--he isn't done.

He is watching our son at our house Friday and I will see him tonight when he gets clothes and stuff for our son.

Albany
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Sounds good. Just son't be doing any LB !! Hey I take Adivan, I only take it when I need it and don't have to deal w/ being tired, thats what the Paxil did to me. I call them my calm down, shut up, think about it pill!! I'm glad ya'll had a good talk and it will lead to more. You remember the monkey see, monkey do. And another one I like is You get, what you give. If you start w/ an attitude, then you will get one back. I just have to get a hold of my thoughts, when they start flipping out. I think of the worst things! And don't know why the worst is where I start from. I have managed to not to LB, with all of my worst thoughts so maybe I will feel better in a few.

,

Great, great great!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Maybe we are both starting to get the hang of the Plan A thingy!

For last 2 days I have not LB'd at all. Which is a good thing for me. Yesterday I wanted to buy a stove, & we really don't need one so we were out together & I could tell that he didn't want me to buy it even though he said "I don't care, do what you want", so instead of doing what I usually do & ignoring him I asked him to be honest with me & tell me if he did not want me to buy the stove, he said he didn't & I didn't. Sort of a POJA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
(I really did want that stove)

Just in that little matter I noticed a difference in him, I have had a tendency to run the show, control issues on my part, working on that.


Sounds like you are doing well, maybe Plan A will be easier than we thought if we keep our focus on GOD & not our circumstances!