I posted these on the "just found out" board and people recommended that I post them here as well. Sorry if I shouldn't.

"First off, my knowledge of acronyms on here is poor, so bear with me.
My story:
wife of 4 years, we have 2yr10mth twins, boy and girl, two cats a dog and a white picket fence (well, a deck that needs to be stained).
My wife started falling in love with another man 3/6 months ago. The relationship turned physical at her insistence (according to her). She did not come home the Friday night b4 fathers day (thanks honey) and spilled the beans Saturday morning. The kicker is she is pregnent (the condom broke). She still loves him (only feels passion for him, but still loves me, just no passion Grrrrrrrr)
She is not being nice. I did not kick her out (she decided against my wishs to stay at her moms) and she does not want to be around me because of all the crying I do. I have stopped most of the crying. Most.
Why do I have to let her figure it out? Why not go right to plan B? I may have screwed up the marriage, but I do not understand why I still have to worry about not hurting her when she drove a 2" drill bit into my chest and is standing there with another mans baby in her not even trying to clean up the bloody mess!
On a side note I have come to some conclusions:
I now know that I loved her more than I thought.
I now know that my family loves me more than I thought.
I have decided to work on my emotional happyness (sp?) and will come out of this a happier and better person.
But why do I have to take the high road? I believe in no God, but even the bible says an eye for an eye!!! I do not want to hurt her, but I bet it would make me feel good for a while, and I could use the break.

can this help?"

that was 1st post, here is second:

"Thanks for you advice. I especially like to hear from the former WS. My wife tells me that she does not know if she wants to stay M or not. I think she is still liying to me, the last time she spoke to OM she told me he called her, but the cell phone records tell a differant story .

I am getting pro advice, meet once a week. My WS wants the OM to be involed in the preg., i.e. doctor visits, birth prep class' all that jazz. I can see why, but then the affair does not end and I die a slow and painfull death (metaphorically speaking)

The OM wants to be involved in the preg (even left her some $ for vitiams (sp?) and started a 'baby fund') He is not married, lives with his mom and has a dead end job ... but (according to WS) has such a good future, left a job 5 yrs ago to 'find himself in CA (we are in NY state), did so, came back to NY and should be getting the job back making huge $$$.

In answer to some questions:
A (at least I think) is over sexually, but they still see each other @ work.
Many people know about the A.
She is staying at the house now, I travel for work (will be chainging soon) so we both take care of our wonderfull twins.

My problem is that I am not getting enough from her to make me believe that she is willing to try.

I do know this, I want more than (almost anything, see below) anything for my marriage to work with my wife and live happylly ever after. Or at least as happy as I can be.

I want my wife to love me and I want to love her. I sung her the Cheap Trick song 24 hrs before D-Day 'I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I am beggin you to beg for me' That is still true.

The only thing I want more then above, is for me to stop feeling pain all the time. It has been a month and I feel 20 years older.

I am just shot, I feel like a person that has been beating so much they think its the way things should be, that pain is the normal and the few shots of happy I get, I do not deserve.

Please respond with any advice. I am going to copy my two posts on preg and see what else I can get. thanks in advance for any response."

Thanks again in advance.

Welcome to the club! The club we all wish we didn't qualify for!

Everything you are thinking is nothing new, we have ALL been down that road w/ all it's twists & turns.

Buckle up buddy becuase the ride is just beginning. It's best if you just remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop.

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Seriously though--read everything you can here, especially about plan a & plan b. YOu don't have to take the 'high road' but if you don't then you are no better than your wife, really. NAd imagine the bigger mess YOU could create.

The point is to leave your wife w/ teh best impressions of you so she will want to come back when she realizes everything she would be losing.
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And on a personal note, I would get a legal separation & make sure you have your kids w/ YOU. If W wants to leave the marriage & home fine but let it be known in no uncertain terms that that is HER choice and this is what it will cost her.

Don't let her get away w/ that crap that she can uproot & destroy your kids lives in her selfish process of creating a new one! IMO
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Hope it goes well for you, hang in there, we are here for you every step of the way.

cts~

I'm a FWW w/ a most likely OC, (never did DNA).

I think the first thing you need to decide for yourself, is if you wish to remain married or not. That's the only thing you have to do.

If you make the decision to try to recover your marriage, then yes, there is a lot of work involved, but it will be because you WANT your marriage, not because somebody is forcing you.

Yes, it may seem like you are giving in, because it will be like you are doing things to woo your W back, when common sense and the world would say, "hey man, she should be the one wooing you back!"

Trust me, once she says, "yep, I'm here, fully committed and all contact with om has ceased", she will have lots of work of her own to do in the recovery of your M...but the point is, she's not there yet, is she? Your mission, if YOU choose it, is to help get her to that place.

Plan A and then if necessary Plan B is what so many people have found to be effective in getting their WS back on track. You only do Plan A for a set amount of time, and then move to Plan B only if Plan A doesn't acheive the results, NOT because you suck at Plan A. Plan B is most effective, after a stellar, nearly flawless Plan A, so as to leave her with good memories of what life with you is all about. You want her to miss her life with you, not dread it.

Read up on Plan A/Plan B on MB, if you haven't already done so. You can also find a link to an excellent Plan A thread by ark^^, that I provided to JT on, "JT: Lookie what I found", on this Preg. board. It's a must read, if you're skeptical about Plan A.

As far as your W's P goes, is there any way you can be the bio? If so, then you all don't know for certain the baby is om's. If that's the case, then there's NO reason for him to have contact w/ her regarding P issues. IMO, even if he's definitely the bio, there is still NO reason for contact if you both decide you want the M. A major sticking point for the recovery of a M, is NC with the om! This may be more difficult when an OC is involved, but it can be done. In most states, you will be considered the father because you were married to her. If he wants to contest paternity, he will have to do it through legal avenues. If you decide you want to raise the baby as your own, and do not want CS from him, I would NOT provide him DNA results, (if you do them). In other words, do NOT hand him anything. Let him do the work, if he so chooses.

This law that assumes you as the father can work to your benefit, as I just described, but it can also work against you if you decide you DON'T want to be the father. If that's the case, then you will need to contest paternity, in order to hopefully protect you from having to pay CS in case you and your W do divorce.

Right now, I would take it slow, and decide what YOU want. That's really all you have to do...then go from there, and begin doing what needs to be done according to what YOU want the final outcome of your M to be.

If you want the final outcome to be an eye for an eye, then I guess you do what you need to do to get it.

If you want your M, then do what you need to do to get it.

It's your decision to make. You can't force your wife to make the same decision, but you sure can show her how wonderful life with you would be. Show her the way home...

I wish you well in whataver path you choose. This situation sucks more than just about any other I can think of. Take good care of yourself. Do good things for you.

~ad

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 09:13 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Thanks for all the help.

I am no longer sure I want the marriage to work, if this pain is what I have to go through. I still think my best outcome would be to be happy w/ my wife. But with the OC on the way, how do I do that?

Can anyone share with me how they told other people, there family and friends, that there wife was having another mans baby? How can I live with that? I know that it doesn't matter if I am in love with her and she with me, but what about up until then? I am so stressed about the legal side of all this too. IF we stay together and work it out I told her, and I still believe I would, that I would raise the kid as my own and adopt or whatever.

I think I am being used. Does it say 'sucker' on my forehead?

I am just struggling with where I am supposed to get the strength to carry on?

I still have months of plan A to go.

I am experiencing similar to you from the female side. I pay for everything for my husband. He used my bed to have sex with OW. My shower to clean up. My water is heated by gas. I suddenly needed extra gas refills. I found out from third party about affair after she was pregnant. He rode her around in my car to doctor's appointments and whatever else. He lied about how long affair lasted. I could tell when he was in affair after discovery because he was hateful to me and did not care about sex. He told me OW was better to him meaning she cared more about him. All fog talk. He is nicer to me now. He took her home to her parents three hours away but did so behind my back telling me he was visiting his Mom. A month ago he visited OW to try and have her committed for doing drugs. He spent the night but claimed to be in the hotel alone. He still calls her and she still calls him. She just called last night and I handed him the phone. He plans to have contact with baby. Contact is not necessary. But if WS insists it should be done through third party. If I cannot get through to WS by the time the baby comes, I will implement Plan B. If that does not wake him up, I will find somebody who can appreciate me.

Genia,
Thanks for your story. I know I am not alone, but at least others are getting through. I am hurting about the contact, it must be killing you too. I want so badly to start plan B so she can see the light, but I will try plan A to the best of my ability. I hope it is the best thing. Someone told me that forgive-ing is easier then forgetting. I am not sure if I believe that, but I am going to try, because I know I won't be forgetting ANY time soon.

Stay healthy and happy, my sig line helps me alot.

Hi,

I find much support here. Yes I cried often. I would cry anywhere. In car, at work. Read Pop's thread to you. It is good. Please be careful also. I am so scared about STD's with husband cheating.